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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello,I have a question .I have been divorced gor a year,but

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Hello,I have a question .I have been divorced gor a year,but both my rx and I have feelings for each other.However,I filed for divorce becaus he was loud,screaming and in the bad mood a lot of times.He does not see what he did wrong.I offered him go see psychologist.He went once only.Now he keeps on calling me.Should I pick the phone? How can he realize that he needs to change?
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Dear friend,

Your ex wants to get back with you but is not willing to change or do what it takes to try to get help. He might not be able to change. He may have a difficult to treat personality disorder, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder, which can make a person act like that.

Answering the phone will just allow him to play on your emotions and get you back into the situation you had before.

If all he can do is call persistently, then I would advise against giving him ANY encouragement.

You cannot make him change. If he does not see it himself, then he cannot begin to seek help or if he does begin, cannot stay with the therapy.

You have worked so hard to be free of him because of the way he was and you already gave up and got the divorce.

It is not a good idea to go backwards. If he had changed and became a new man there might be hope.

Right now, even picking up the phone would be a bad mistake, for once you opened the door a crack he would be back inside, and despite your love for him, it would be as it was before.

I wish you great courage and the wisdom to save yourself from further hardship and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So,I should not pick the phone?What about when he calls. our daughter and asks to talk to me? How can he change,does it usually take s long time?
Dear friend,

You can probably block his number. You can ask your daughter not to answer his calls and if she does to tell him that you are not taking his calls.

If he has an anger management problem whether caused by a personality disorder or something else, he will not change if he does not get any therapy, and their is no guarantee that he will change even if he gets therapy.

If you want to keep on trying with this man, if that is what you want to do, then do it and see what happens. It is not my recommendation, but you know your situation best and know what you want.

If you need to try again then you should do it for it seems that this is what you want to do. You may regret it if you don't, and if it doesn't work then know you have tried.

I hope that he has had a change of heart and is able to control his anger. Give him a chance if that is what you want, but don't get married again, at least not for a while. If he has truly changed then you will reap the benefits. If not then you will find it easier to get closure.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
If I were to give him a chance should I still ignore his phone calls for a while?However on the other hand he says he does not ser us together and at the same time,my ex says he loves me.What does he want ? What do you think is the best thing to do?
Dear friend,

If you are going to give him a chance then you would have to take his phone calls.

When he says he does not see you together, then believe him. He may not always tell the truth but believe that. This means the relationship will go nowhere.

When he says that he loves you, that means he wants to control you and take advantage of you.

If you really love somebody then you are always kind to them and never raise your voice or make them feel bad. You nurture and protect them. He just wants to have power over you.

If you were my sister, and in a spiritual sense you are, then I would tell you straight up - leave sleeping dogs lie. Don't answer his calls, and don't let him back in. You can find someone better than him.

There are plenty of decent men out there who would never bully you and treat you as you should be treated: as a precious person.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

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