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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I found out a year and a half ago that my husband of 24 years

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I found out a year and a half ago that my husband of 24 years had cheated on me with 3 different women.....once 12 yrs ago...once 4 years ago and last time a year and a half ago. The last one he was planning on leaving me for, and she left her boyfriend for my husband....but he changed his mind and decided to stay with me. We decided to go to marriage counseling and we did for a while, but my husband works away more than 8 months of the year and it was too hard to get appointments. besides you can't work on a marriage when you are not in the same place. I stayed because I love him, we are very compatible (i did not have a clue that he was unfaithful) and we have a very healthy sex life. He still doesn't know why he cheated, we are fighting all the time and i don't know what to do next. Should I just leave him?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like it is very difficult for you and your husband to work on your marriage. You cannot work on it, as you said, if you are always apart. As with any marriage that goes through infidelity, you need to spend time working on rebuilding trust between you, and that is hard to do if you are apart.

You can try two things. One, ask your husband to find another job that is closer to you so you can work on your marriage. That may seem like a tall order, but your marriage is more important than his job. If it is at all possible, try that option first.

If not, you can try going to counseling on your own for the support and to decide what you want to do about your marriage. You may also want to try going to counseling separately. Though that is not as effective, it might be worth trying.

It helps to learn more about infidelity and how it affects your marriage. You could share your findings with your husband or have him read the same materials and talk to you about it. But either way, he needs to accept responsibility for what he has done and do his best to make amends, even if that requires sacrifice on his part to do it. If he cannot do that, you might need to consider a separation at the very least, if not divorce.

Try to get as much support as you can on line, through friends and family and if you attend church, your pastor.

Here are some resources to help you:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

I hope this has helped you,
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.


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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Kate.....All the answers you have given me we have already tried. I have been going to counceling on my own for more than a year. He has went on his own as well, he also went to some SAnonymous group sessions, but work gets in the way. My husband is a Wind turbine Supervisor for a company and he has to go where the windmills are being put up. We live in a low employment area and we have 2 children just finishing university and college and one just starting university so for those reasons he has to work. I have sent him many many websites on cheating and fixing marriages after cheating and he read a few of them but he says they are too painful. He feels really guilty, I think he is trying to work on things, but I can't bring myself to trust him and I can't bring myself to leave. I almost left him about 8 months ago and I backed out in the end.

Although I cannot outright recommend divorce for ethical reasons, it sounds like you have tried everything you can to fix the marriage. You can talk it over with your husband and see where both of you feel the marriage is going. Also talk to your counselor about your choices. But if you feel you cannot bring yourself to trust your husband, it may be that a prolonged separation (where you and he live apart, especially when he is home) or considering divorce might be your only options. At this point, there are a lot of factors keeping you both apart and if you do not feel happy, you have to consider what you need to change that.

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Kate....Are you freakin' kidding me!! I know it's a difficult situation, but jeez....24 years and 3 kids later, it's gotta be worth fighting for. I'm 45 yrs old...starting over. I could have gotten that advice for free.

I am sorry that my answers were not helpful to you. I will opt out and let other experts help you.


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