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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5810
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Im 24. Back in February I started a seeing a guy named Hobie

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I'm 24. Back in February I started a seeing a guy named Hobie who happened to be my best friend Andrew's cousin (Hobie and Andrew are as close as brothers). I told Hobie from the beginning that I wasn't interested in just a sexual relationship. We started going on dates and did have sex. Things were fine, until it became apparent that it truly bothered Andrew, so in June when Hobie was going to be away for two months we decided to stop things because Hobie wasn't okay with how much it was bothering Andrew. I understood to an extent and we decided to be friends. At the end of the summer Hobie decided that Andrew would have to take a back seat because he wanted to try with me. But, by this time, I had committed to moving in October to Buffalo ( which is 6 hours away ). I told him, because we have a policy of being totally up front and honest with each other. (We are good friends regardless of all this) And he said that, yet again we are attracted to each other but just happen to be going in different directions to the same end goal. He is not the type for technology, he lives out in new jersey where it takes him 45 mins to get to a grocery store. Needless to say communication is sporadic, always has been, so that is nothing abnormal to me. We have seen each other twice since he has been home. Once we met up for a night away for his birthday, slept together, hung out, had dinner all of that. The other was a camping trip with his extended family, we were just as we always had been, and also slept together then (sex, as we have countless times). I guess I am a month away from leaving, and it seems that now all we talk about is sex. I don't know if I am making excuses for this guy and he isn't interested in me, except for sex, or if he just is as scared of the distance (as his last girlfriend cheated on him while he was stationed in japan when he was in the military) and truly meant what he says, just wrong timing... again. My friends all automatically think the worst and I don't trust their opinions not being biased. I love him, I know I do. I just am not sure what to do, or if I should just leave it alone and be friends while I am away and let the chance of him finding someone else while I am gone happen. I feel like a lost 16 year old girl, it's a bit ridiculous. Normally I am good about this stuff and can think rationally and mature about these things. I believe it is all coming from the fact that I know I love him, hate the idea of him with anyone else, and since he isn't forthcoming with his feelings and thoughts unless asked and guarded with being vulnerable I don't know what he thinks and start to believe that maybe he is just like every other guy and has no interest in me. It seems that all the normal rules for guys doesnt apply here. Guess I just need an outsiders opinion. Sorry this is so long. It's a bit of a babble but I need an unbiased opinion. Say something to him or not? Not that it would make a difference.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like Hobie is interested in you from what you have described. Given what your relationship has been through already with distance issues and his cousin interfering, it would have been easy for him (or you) to walk away and have good reason to do so. But he seems to continue to be interested in being with you, regardless of the circumstances.

It may help you to sit down with him and talk this out. You both know your situation and understand that it is hard to be together. See if it is possible for you to continue your relationship by changing some things between you. For one, ask Hobie if he is willing to try with technology to contact you a bit more often. It is not hard to work with Skype or a similar program and once he gets used to it, it would make your relationship easier. Second, talk to Hobie about what goals you both have for your relationship. Where is it going? What end goal do you have? What does he feel needs to happen next? Without knowing his feelings about it, it is hard to determine if he is committed enough to continue the relationship.

Also, is it possible for him to move to where you are going to be? You may want to introduce the idea to see what he says. It might not be possible now, but it could be in the near future.

And make plans on when you will see each other. It might be possible to visit each other, taking turns so it is not stressful on either of you exclusively.

You may also want to tell Hobie your fears about him being with you only for the sex. It always helps in a relationship to be as honest and open as you can be. That lets the other person respond and you can typically gauge where they are with what you are bringing up. For example, if Hobie would hesitate when you talk about other relationships or your fear about his interest only being sex, that tells you that he is not sure or he might be untruthful with you. But if he addresses it right away, you may be able to see that he is being honest with you.

See how your new arrangement goes and talk about it again after you get settled to see what might need changed. It is not easy to have a long distance relationship, but it is possible with some work and good communication.

I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Kate,


I really appreciate the advice you gave me. I thought long and hard about it and something just isn't right. I couldn't bring myself to say anything or ask him to do that. I think I know in my heart that he isn't where I would need him to be for a realtionship. I also think that he has trust issues from his first and last girlfriend cheating on him while he was stationed overseas in Japan.


I don't think that I want to be the girl he gets over those issues with or experiements getting over them with. I want him, I do. I hate the idea of him with anyone else, but I also know that he needs to go out and experience life a bit more. He isn't ready to settle and he told me from the beginning that he doesn't do distance. So I won't ask it of him.


I love him. With every fiber of my being, which is a joy and a curse. But, they say if you love something you have to let it go... right? I guess, I also need to do some of my own exploring. Get settled with what I want from my career and from myself as a human being. Kind of learn more about me.


I think my only thought now is do I tell him I love him? Is that selfish to do? I don't even think he loves me back. He is so protective of any type of vulnerability, which is understandable. I know he has it in him to be loving, affectionate and vulnerable given time, because he has the most loving family. Yet, I don't think he is mentally ready to take that leap. And I won't settle for having less than all of him. So, my question is now, I won't see him before I move this week. Can I write him a short letter telling him that I am in love with him?


I feel like I should tell him for my own peace of mind, because not every day is guaranteed and I don't want to ever say I didn't take the chance to say what I needed too. I want him to know that someone else loves him, is proud of him and believes in him aside from his family. I want him to continue being friends with me. But I also don't want him to think that this means I am asking anything from him, because I am not. I hope he loves me, I know he likes me and is interested in me but I don't think he is there yet mentally to love and be vulnerable like that.


I am just not sure what to do. Oh, silly young love! I feel like I am in high school asking such things.

I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Or, if you choose, you can start a new question page. Thanks!

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Of course, I rated your first answer with an excellent when you first answered! You were extremely helpful, I apprecaited that.



Thank you!

If you feel prepared to accept any answer he gives, it is certainly a good idea to tell him how you feel. Unless you feel it would be too difficult to accept no response or a negative response from him, then letting him know what you feel not only helps you take that chance, but it also allows you to move on if things do not work out. There is, of course, a great chance that it will work out, given time and his ability to work through his issues.

The last thing you want to do is let it go if you feel strongly about your feelings for him. You may not get what you want by telling him (or you might get what you want!), but never trying means that you will always have to live with "I wonder what would have happened if....". And regrets leave a lot to the imagination and also can cause you to feel that you suffered a loss, which can take a lot of time to work through. So writing him the letter is a good idea, even if you feel he might not be ready to hear it.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I am ready to accept whatever happens, even if it is no response. I mean it's a part of life, but you are right I don't want regrets. This I would regret.


I guess my biggest worry is that telling him through a letter is a cop-out. I would rather have told him in person but that isn't an option and through a text or phone call seems so silly or makes it seem unimportant. Though, I am not sure a letter is any better of an alternative.

A letter is a good option. It allows him time to read it over and think about his reaction. Plus a letter is very personal. It gives you a chance to put your feelings into words the way you want them to come across. Although a phone call is a close second, it might take him by surprise and he might react in a way that he doesn't want to. And a text, while good for every day communication, is not the same for very personal expression. However, a letter is perfect.


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