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Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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How to give space in a relationship without being afraid of

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How to give space in a relationship without being afraid of rejection

It is your fear and no one can control your feelings except you; in other words, no one can MAKE you feel a certain way. If you are feeling rejected, those feelings are coming from inside of you. It may indicate that you have some self-esteem problems, but I do not know. Making space in a relationship usually means giving it some time to develop, cool off or whatever is needed because it is space that is indicated. So, not so many phone calls, texts or other communications for a week or so or maybe longer ... that is to be determined by the circumstances. I would need more information to be more specific. Just keep in mind if there has been any abuse or violence involved, you may need to make a lot of space and time and maybe consider that the relationship is not suited to you. Remember the old saying, "There are lots of fish in the sea" and if the person does not want to be with you, you can get over it and move on. It is not about you. It is about them and their reasons.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr. Tom,

Thank you for the reply, I had sent this to a specific expert who has been working with me on this situation so i am not sure why you got this message. Anyhow, no there is no violence no abuse.

Okay, thanks for letting me know. I did not see the particular expert you were addressing; sorry for the intrusion.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

It's ok I appreciate your answer. I have a hard time with space because my boyriend is so self contained, avoidant, distancer and im more anxious, persuer. I am working on breaking this dance/habit that is why im here. I am currently seeing a therapist and he is good. I just like to get additional help from others like i am right now. Are you good at disifering the distancer/persuer relationship?

It is good that you have a therapist ... sometimes we need ongoing help to navigate our way through difficult relationships. Listen to your therapist. For my part, I think it wise to first deal with your anxiety ... that you can control. You cannot control him (or anybody else for that matter). Best antidote for anxiety is to breathe deeply and relax and do not think too much. When we think too much our imaginations can run wild. Do your best to not put labels on him or yourself. Both of you are who you are and cannot be reduced to labels. Reframe the situation. He sounds like a quiet guy, maybe a little intimidated by emotion, but I do not know. Discuss this with your therapist. Let your therapist know about my reply for the sake of transparency. If I can be of any more help, just let me know; that is why I do this.
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