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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
sorry for a long letter
Hello. I am sorry t know about this very painful situation,please let me reread it to better understand it.
Please hold on
This is very sad and frustrating.
Your story shows how much you risked because of this relationship, how much he pushed you n dhow much you allowed him to get you deeper and faster into so many changes.
he only pushed me because it a part of his personality, to have a very definite plan
Most times it is never wise to get into a serious relationship wile still into another one, even less to rush things they way you did. But then you got pregnant, you both wanted it and you got very depressed, and that just overwhelmed you even more, and that could easily explain your poor coping and emotional reactions.
i am exactly the opposite - i am scared of definite immediate plans
But that is a deficiency when the person disregards XXXXX XXXXX all the other factors involved, and the requirements to actually build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, bypassing time and phases would never lead to a good place for sure.
i have a very strong personality but i hate to upset anyone, so i tent to agree. i did not want to loose him so i allowed him to push me - although i knew he loved me
I think yous tendency to agree, to please people could be a core issue, around codependency, which has led you to self-sabotage this much fueling this while painful situation
Without setting good, healthy and clear boundaries and limits in a relationship, there is no way to make it evolve well, because mutual respect, understanding and support are essential, and by pushing one partner, or pleasing the other while betraying yourself, your core needs what you truly wanted, there's no way for it to evolve well.
i knew that i needed more time and compressing all the dating, proposal, moving to a new place and having a baby into 6 months time was too much. i know that. but a hint at all those feeling only upset him, because he felt otherwise. he tried to be helpful and understanding. but he never properly trusted me and i have a tendency to keep things to myself - not on purpose, i was always this way. people did not talk in my family
When you got pregnant and then knew the baby was not well, you were already very depressed and out of it you were not able to cope, you did not willingly want to hurt him, you were suffering a lot
i try to find a way to explain what happened to him - why i took some time off, why i did not allow him to take care of me and went to my parents
i feel extremely guilty for the loss of this baby, i did not take propper care of myself at the time
I see, then while he continued to push you more and more like a teenager, you were repressing more and more everything affecting you, and that's why you got depressed, then the trauma of your pregnancy just triggered everything else.
You were suffering and required that support, I do not think you did worn by looking for their support when feeling this overwhelmed, but he does not seem to have necessary insight to even understand it.
i thought about that. i thought a divorce was a huge enough event to give it some time, because we have a child etc.. but for him things are more straight forward
he wanted to be the person who would support me, not anyone else. that offended him most in his own words. and i wanted to recover and i hate to burden others with my problems
I would never call his personality and behavioral traits healthy nor assertive, but impulsive, pushy, and unrealistic, uncaring, since disregarding your feelings, your needs and expectations, and when those core aspects are missing , there is no way a person could play a healthy role in another person's life.
i suffered a great deal. he did too. he mourns the loss of the baby. he thought i aborted it
i know we are both very sore from the experence. i will never blame him because i love him. i just wanted for us to start again - slower, without any definite plans yet.
If he does not even have the capacity, willingness and trust about you and your feelings, caring and actions, it is obvious his impulsivity and lack of insight have been undermining his role in the relationship from the very beginning.
he is definitely impulsive - i am the opposite, i absorb everything and try not to be confrontational
i know that he emmidiately offered me everything - marriage, love, his heart
i was not ready to plunge into all these so soon - but i was scared to loose him, he insisted on a sooner time frame
Absolutely, and that shows how much you care about him and your relationship, but it seems that it is not reciprocal. he did not listen nor respected your core needs and expectations from the beginning, and he has kept that pattern to the present, then I see that expecting something better from him seems hopeless, once he is not taking accountability for his own choices and actions, nor even recognize where he was wrong
he does know that he was pushy, he is sorry for that. but i don't think he sees what i came through and he cannot forgive me my behaviour.
That's why I said he shows personality and behavioral traits of a very immature, impulsive person, who doe snot have very good insight about reality and from there appears unable to be empathic so to respect your feelings and needs, to become truly supportive and understanding.
do you think truly supportive differs from the person who truly wants to help but does it in him own way?
i know he wanted to help - he did everything he could to keep me and our baby
i know he loves me - but he is not generous with his soul - he tries to show me what i have lost as if to punish me - it feels this way.
Unhappily reality is showing you through his actions much more about the quality of his feelings towards you. people could use words about love and promises many things, but it is through their concrete actions that you really know how real, healthy, mature and responsible are his feelings, commitment, caring about you and real willingness to work on himself to deserve you and a life together, and after this painful episode he is already showing so much , and it is not something easy to behold for anybody in your shoes, but it is consistent with his impulsiveness and poor maturity.
i can be called secretive by nature and that offended him to the bottom of his heart - but i could not change myself overnight
his impulsiveness is something that i could never deal with other than being calm
That would be, if you want to call if love, very unhealthy and selfish love, love that does not respect you, your individuality, your needs, your reality, but one that pushes his ego over you no matter what.
we never argues
it did feel that he wanted to take me no matter what - baby felt to be one of the instruments to get us into a family
but maybe i am wrong
That's why your communication never evolved enough, nor the mutual trust and intimacy, because you are so different, I would say even incompatible in the way you address life, and he's show unwillingness to even acknowledge his own faults here, how much they have shaped everything that happened.
What you know for sure is that he is not there right now, that regardless of all the sacrifices, and pain you have faced, now he chooses not to be there, showing the nature of hos love and commitment
i kknow he tried many things to remedy this situation - me slipping away, he was very pro-active. i am grateful for his love and attention but i need a shoulder to cry on and he seems to be trying to shield himself, protecting himself from further pain. i understand that. we both are single noe - we both separated from our spouses. i don't blame him for anything - just want to try to find words to explain that i need him and why i 'run' away
Here you have been very clear, direct, honest and open, and as long as you happen to be the same while communicating with him, there would be no better approach for you to take, and everything else depends on him. If he chooses to continue disregarding your pain, and all your efforts for healing and growing together, because of his personal problems, then there would be nothing more for you to do about it, but to focus on your one healing, to learn from this very painful, even traumatic experience, for you not to expose to any form of manipulation , to being used in any way by anybody.
what i felt was best described as cornered
Now you do have to take good care of yourself,, be very objective and proactive, otherwise you would end self-sabotaging again undermining your own rehabilitation. While you take good care of yourself, you would be able to better assess relality and see with more clarity the nature and impact of this person in your life in the past an din the present too.
Does it make sense?
Please, remember that I am here to support you, and I am willing to assist you as possible. It is clear to em that you need professional counseling support yo work on your own healing, for effectively coping with this situation, to get stronger and wiser from it.
I hope you could reflect on it and take consistent action getting the support you need and deserve from a good psychotherapist, and from your support system, those healthy and caring people from your family and close friends willing to support you.