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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Crack my Relationship CODE Might need Sex therapist? my boyfriend

Customer Question

Crack my Relationship CODE Might need Sex therapist?
my boyfriend and I have our unique "tennis match". This is my observation from what happened last weekend.
I have a hard time sharing my feelings. I feel as if he doesnt listen. I get nervous when I cant share. I get clingy when I see him distancing. He distances I get clingier and dont share with him my fears concerns etc. THen when I go to share Its such a stressful situation that he gets agrivated. He stonewalls. Then it builds until he wants to break up says he isnt attracted to me, its not ment to be... I get upset. I then share what I really mean. THen I go near him and touch him I become "soft". Then He responds in a softer way.Before you know it we are upstairs making love. 2 hours later....Then he shares what he likes. I feel calm am able to share my feelings and then we decide we need to be more open and feel comfortable.
Is there a way to make this less intense? Like no break up in between. This who thing is an example of 1 day. This may happen months apart. I am in therapy he is also doing self improvement. This was a break thought moment as we were able to share our needs finally. One of our issues is lack of intimacy. He wants me to Receive. Enjoy myself not be mechanical. He wants me to be more in my body. Can you help me disifer this?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with your concern.

You have a big communication problem with this man and you should be working on your issues together under therapy.

You have intimacy and trust issues for reasons unknown to me. Perhaps it had to do with abandonment, neglect or abuse when you were a child.

Perhaps your intimacy problems are with this man in particular.

He may not really be interested in what is going on in your life. You sense that he does not listen. Like many of us, you have a need to be emotionally intimate and intellectually intimate and that is really more important to to accomplish before you can be physically intimate with someone.

They love you by listening and caring what is going on inside you and in our day-to-day life. When you sense he doesn't care then you naturally freeze up when it comes to physical intimacy. He senses it and feels that he is failing to arouse you, which he is, but he is really first failing to arouse you emotionally and spiritually by his lack of regard for you.

When he does not get what he wants then he becomes very abusive to you and fills you with so much anguish that he breaks you. You become "soft". Then he can have his way with you.

It is not even about sex or love. It is about control.

I don't know much about him but he may very well be a narcissists (i.e. have Narcissistic Personality Disorder) in which he likes to dominate, control and be looked up to while he has no real empathy for others. He can play at empathy but your feelings may never touch him one bit. He cannot perceive them much as a blind mind can't see what is in front of his eyes.

I don't know if this relationship will ever improve.

I don't know your past history either, but I imagine that a man who loved you deeply and cared about how you felt and what you had to say would open you wide open and you would have no intimacy or communications with such a man.

You need someone who treasures you, who would NEVER tell you he isn't attracted to you. That is a way to smash someone's feelings and self-confidence.

Learn more about narcissists through this wonderful book:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson


I may be mistaken by not having all the facts, but from what you have told me I believe that I may have cracked the code.


I shall keep you in my prayers.


Warm regards,



Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
this guy always tries to answer he assumes alot and perjects
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i appreciate your willingness to want to answer this question however I dont feel we click. I have posted before and you answered at the time and I felt the same then as I do now. I feel with your answers you tend to add more of your own speculation or feelings vs I have had others who gave me alot of information without adding their own opinions. I feel you must care about people to an extent to do what you do and im sure there are others out there that would benefit from your work however I dont feel we are a good match. your answers always cause anxiety in me and they dont have solutions. I have had others answers questions and I feel relieved and good just after one answer. they are sticking to answering the questions giving non bias answers. no opinions. Be well

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Lisa,

Thank you so much for your very kind and thougtful reply to me after you relisted the question. It shows you to be a very good and decent person.

Yes, I did speculate, using the information that you gave me, and trying to elicit a response. I did not mean to cause you anxiety, and perhaps some of your anxiety comes from the nature of your less than perfect relationship.

I understand that on the physical/sexual level, it is fantastic and very fulfilling to you. This is important and makes a strong bond between you.

I was concerned that he says hurtful things to you and I believe that I gave you excellent detailed advice.

I see that one of the questions I answered yesterday was about personality disorders.

Here is information about NPD - the diagnostic criteria:

It may or may not apply to your partner.


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder


A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

In any event, I wish you peace and harmony in your life.

Warm regards,


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

the reason I posted on the personality disorders was becuase of what you said and honestly both he and I have 1 or 2 traits and so does everyone else I know.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Lisa,

We all have imperfect personalities and negative traits. A personality disorder is diagnosed when a person meets the criteria by posessing a set amount of these criteria, as indicated in the psychiatric diagnostic manual which we all use.

Why are you being treated? And what self-help issues is your partner working on?

Warm regards,