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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have a question. My wife and I have been together for 5 years

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I have a question. My wife and I have been together for 5 years married for 3/5. Last month I happened to find a bunch of highly inappropriate text messages between her and another man as well as group messages with women in her office and that other man. I questioned her about it and she told me all of those messages came from a joke between all of the parties involved. I also confronted the other man involved in those messages and he also stated that it came from a nome between all 4 of the parties. I have then asked the male involved to no longer text my wife unless it has something to do with work and is in a professional manner. He had apologized for what had taken place and stated that he never had any other intentions other than doing this in a joking manner. I also confronted my wife about my feelings and stated that I was worried about this and stated that I had nothing to worry about and also stated that she would no engage in those conversations with the male as well as the other women anymore. Since then I have asked my wife about random numbers that she has had in her phone or text inappropriate content was in any of those messages. She has opened up her social media account, email accounts as well as her cell phone. The first last 2 years of our marriage I have not been the best of husband during that time. She stated that she had no intentions of cheating on me at all and stated that she loved me to much to do so. We also have a 2 year old child together. Obviously I'm still heartbroken over the text messages I seen...there were not pics being sent back and forth. The issue that I am having is that even though I trust and believe my wife I still find myself going through her email, social media and our phone usage to see who she is sending and receiving txt messages/phone calls from and I have asked about a unfamiliar number she always tells me who it is and will show me the text message if applicable. But I feel like i have my guard up and that she still has to rebuild the trust that was lost. I feel that I'm just watching her way to much. Is this normal? Our relationship/marriage has taken a complete 180 for the better. I told her that I can forgive her but it will take time to forget. Is there Anything i can do to speed that up?
Hello. You and your wife both have handled this situation in the best way possible. It is normal for you to be on your guard but I think maybe you are going a bit too far with continuing to look at all of her things. I do agree that she does need to rebuild the trust and by allowing you to see everything, she is doing exactly that. The problem you will face is that she will feel TOO intruded upon and while you can most likely trust her and she probably would never consider cheating on you, by over reacting and continuing to act this way, you might drive her further away eventually, when she feels that enough is enough. It has only been a month. You need to give this some time. I know you said you want to speed this up, but you honestly can't. You just need to let it play out emotionally. A month is not that long and your goal should be to start backing off of the privacy things. You might want to set a goal of not checking emails after a certain time, and then maybe her social networking and finally stop checking her texts. Or you might want to set a goal where you only ask her about it once a month, then once every 3 months, etc.. whatever you think works for you. Give both of you some time with this. I know you don't want to wait through it, but unfortunately, you are going to have to. Be patient. Be patient with her and yourself. Be happy you have a loving, caring wife and child and try to rebuild a day at a time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Ok, you have made me feel much better about all of this. I understand that I need to back off and that's why I reached out. Along those lines, both us work in medicine. My full time job is 80 miles away from our home. I usually work anywhere from 5-6 days straight without seeing my family. I think that makes it much harder especially when I am trying to rebuild our bond together. Then my mind gets all of these crazy ideas in it, and I know it shouldn't but I swear I think about the issues that we have had at least once/day. And yes, my wife has done a great job with helping me recover from this. In my previous message when I stated that I wasn't the best husband for the last 2 years I should have specified on what I had meant. Basically I have not been there for her emotionally or physically. I think I had pushed her away a bit. I didn't want to be touched, I would get snappy with her when she would talk to me or basically ignore her..I now know that I shouldn't have done any of those things. I've asked her about this and she states that she felt that I was distant during that time and she was trying to adjust to how I had become. Now I am the one who wants to spend every minute together and show my emotions and be touched. She now on the other hand is still in the adjustment mode and states that it is now going to take time for her to get back to the way she was before I basically had blocked her out. I just wished I would have realized what I had before it got to this point.

You are both dealing with very common marriage issues. The fact that you can discuss these things and both admit where your strengths and weaknesses are as individuals and as a couple is vital and I'm glad to hear that. I know that to be in your shoes and seeing it from your point of view, these things can seem devastating, but in my experience, you are way ahead of the game. Overall, I would say you have a very strong marriage and you both need to build on this foundation by not looking at the past, but only the future. I know that is easier said than done, but it's something you both need to work on. You have some insecurities with yourself, probably based on the first few years of your marriage. You need to learn to let that go. Let the past go. You admit you weren't the best husband in the past, but you can be in the future, starting now. While it isn't realistic to "start over" in a relationship, because of course there are always memories and experiences, you can both do your best to act on the concept of from now on, lets do our best to be the best for each other. Try not to let the past dictate your present or future. Keep showing your emotions and keep wanting to be touched. She will adjust and she should meet you half way. Have some patience with each other. You both sound like you have a good marriage. Be confident and go from there.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you!!!