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I had relations with an associate of my current boyfriend,

I had sexual relations with...
I had sexual relations with an associate of my current boyfriend, after having relations with my boyfriend, but before we were officially dating. I know this is not right either way and I made a very bad life choice. My boyfriend knows that I shared a kiss with this guy, but I never said anything about the intimacy. I thought we put this issue behind us, but it has come up again. We are now getting much more serious and talking life long committment, and I'm afraid that he might eventually find out. My boyfriend has trust issues from a prior long term relationship where a girl cheated on him. I have not cheated on him and would not ever cheat on him. This was something that happened before we were actually and "item" and dating. Morally, I don't know if I should just bite the bullet and say good bye for ever, or keep pleading the fifth and two, I am afraid that this issue will never go away and that he just might pull the rug out from underneath me now or in the future because he can't get past this guy. Help, please
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
9/5/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very frustrating and unfortunate indeed. I am sorry to know you are facing this situation, but as you said, hiding it from him even longer, now that you are committing to a more formal relationship and life together, it seems necessary to be totally honest and tell him what happened, even when it could obviously risk the integrity of your relationship now and its possible future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What would happen mostly depends on his level of maturity and coping skills, they would allow him to appreciate your honesty and real commitment, without anything inconsistency with your commitment; or to react in a destructive way and choose not to trust you any longer or even to end the relationship.

Customer:

Part of me feels that we weren't dating when it happened, and I haven't asked him or require him to tell me about any of his prior "hook ups" before we started dating, and I kinda feel it isn't any business and shouldn't having any bearing on our relationship. Obviously, I am having mixed emotions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said in your question that this happened when you were not dating, but now you are saying that "part of you feels you were not dating when that happened". Could you clarify what you mean?

Customer:

Because of his prior long term relationship and him being cheated on, he does have trust issues already. But he also has a relationship with his ex because of a dog that they "share" custody over (?), that is ok with him to have, but not ok with me to have with my ex. So he is kinda playing the one way street card.

Customer:

No, sorry, we were NOT officially dating when this happened with an associate of his.

Customer:

I meant to say "part of me feels, that because we weren't dating when it happened . . . . "

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you truly believe this is the case and both of you have made this agreement that you do not need to share or talk about what happened before you started dating, then it should be fine, but in your message you show how confllcited you seem to be because of not telling him about it, right?

Customer:

Yes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if that's the case from where or why you think you feel this conflicted?

Customer:

I feel conflicted, because, even though all we had was one night together, and no actual committments, or suggestion of even dating one another, he thinks that I should have just assumed that we were gonna be dating. But about 3 weeks later when he asked me to be his girlfriend, we discussed that we were NOT gonna see any one else, that we were exclusive. So, contrary to everyone else that feels we were not bf/gf when it happened, that it is prior history that should stay prior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then if that is consistent with what you committed to with your boyfriend and feel it would not become a serious issues damaging your relationship in the future, you could keep it. My concern is that you have shown you are fearful he would find out sooner or later, and then he could tell you why you chose not to tell him about it once you were already together is you were supposed to be honest with each other. Then you would have to justify your behavior, pointing at his trust issues and past negative experiences.

Customer:

I honestly feel that this associate would take this to his grave. I know that my bf has trust issues and that there are things that need to be straightened and discussed before we commit to marriage, but in your opinion, do you feel that this is a bad thing to keep to myself since it happened prior to him actually asking me to be his gf? (my bf honestly thinks that since we had sex that one time, that I should have just assumed that we were gonna end up dating)

Customer:

I know I made a bad choice, and didn't realize all the inter-connection between all these people. Even though it happened before we were an "item", I know that my bf would not have anything to do with me if I ever told him. I really don't want to lose him, I do want to marry him, but I am afraid that he won't ever trust me because of his past gf cheating. I did not cheat on him, and I wouldn't ever, before marriage or after.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In your boyfriend's mind it could not be about assumptions but what he felt and how hiding it from him would imply not being honest. He would think if you know how he felt about it,a nd even then you chose to hide it from him, even more once you committed to a more serious relationship, he would fel betrayed. But you are the only one who knows what you want and can afford in this scenario, just assess the pros and cons, the risks you would be taking and the consequences, and choose the one that for you seems to be the best one. According to your story, it is obvious you feel there was nothing wrong in your actions, but also you know that your boyfriend does not think the same way, and this is about his trust issues, and that's why it should be addressed taking into account the way it could impact his feelings and your relationship.

Customer:

ok, thank you Rafael.

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
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