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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Im not sure if Im in the right place or not but here goes: Im

Customer Question

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place or not but here goes:
I'm having a serious mental breakdown, and the stress feels overwhelming.

I started seeing this girl that was in my previous work back in august 2012 when she was house sitting, the very first encounter was to say the least intimate. I haven't been in a relationship before and when I told her that she was all over me, I wasn't sure what happened. We started hanging out more in the months later, as far as I know I thought she was single and had my expectations that we were dating. Fast forward to February, I've been seeing texts in her phone from another person that was in the building (I know because he was the training officer) the entire time that I was with her. Until I saw a text from the same guy that says "I love you" and that he has made plans for then on February 14. Before that day, I told her, its either him or me, unfortunately she chose me. She didn't tell me anything, even after that day we didn't really talk about it as much. I also realized as well that she just got out from a 5 year relationship, so maybe she's not ready for another serious relationship?
Fast forward to April, she started texting more and more to a guy that is apparently currently siting beside her, where I used to sit (I left the company in December). Emails, chat, texts, it was all over her phone and when I asked about him, she just said that they're "friends". I later realized that on the only day that I didn't see her that she cheated on me with the same guy and they were emailing each other at work and in her personal email how "hot" it was and how they would like to do it differently next time.
I broke down when I saw the series of emails, for the first time in my life I actually cared enough about someone.
Such a naive person I am, I still went through this relationship because maybe there's something else left in there to save. Even though that happened, they were still emailing, texting each other for at least the month later. I forgave her for what happened but its so hard to trust her and its really killing me inside. I haven't felt stress like this before where I feel paranoid to the point that I have to know everything about what she's doing. To make matters worse, I moved in with her just so that I can keep a close look.

I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I just feel like sometimes I don't want to go back to what my life what before her.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. She definitely does not seem like she is ready for a committed relationship with anyone. Moving in with her has probably made things worse for you because you can't live with someone you don't trust and you obviously don't trust her for good reason. She hasn't given you much of a reason to trust her or to think that she will change.
You can't move in because you want to "keep a closer look" you just can't. You move in because you and the person you are in a relationship are in love and have true feelings for each other. Moving in for any other reason will make the relationship doomed from the start.
This relationship has not started well and it will take a lot to repair it if you have a chance. You both HAVE to be on the same page, have the same goals and you MUST let go of the mistrust. You can't check her email, phone texts, calls, anything. This must stop.
While you might not want to go back to your life before her, she has made your life miserable, even if you don't want to admit it. You are living in a world of mistrust and paranoia. Is this what you want?
If she is disregarding your feelings, she certainly is not the person for you. Everything you describe is a completely dysfunctional relationship.
What you need to do is have a talk with her and ask her what she wants. Ask her what she expects from a relationship and if she is ready and wanting a committed relationship. If the answer is no, you can't force her into anything. If you ask her is she still wants to see other people and she says yes, there isn't anything you can do about this, it is her choice. You need to move out and move on. You need to find out her intentions and take them for what she says. Don't think you can alter them in any way. You both have to decide you want to make this work and be with each other and ONLY with each other. If she does agree to this and she only wants to see you, then you must stop checking her personal email and phone. You need to let go and trust her 100%. It's all or nothing. You need to completely let go of the mistrust. This relationship is in complete disarray. Make sure you are both on the same page. That is the key.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.