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Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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Im currently in a relationship with a girl that Ive

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I'm currently in a lesbian relationship with a girl that I've been seeing for almost a year. She has a close friendship with a girl that she used to sleep with which I am having difficulty coming to terms with. The situation makes me very uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust my girlfriend not to cross a line with this former lover.. it's more so to do with how hard I find to think about her being so intimate with another person. And having this girl around is kind of like a slap in the face.. I am constantly reminded of it. At this point, I am unsure of what to do.. I don't know if asking her to discontinue the friendship is really fair. But I also don't feel that her completely disregarding my feelings is fair either.
Hello, I have been practicing couples therapy for 20 years with both straight and gay and lesbian couples. I certainly understand your feeling very uncomfortable with your gf's continuing her relationship with her former lover. Continuing to try to tolerate this situation without expressing your feelings to your gf is very unhealthy, both for you and for your relationship with her. I think it would be very helpful if you sat down with her and had a conversation about this other woman. You can do so in a calm, non-threatening manner by using a 3 Step Model. Step 1) Tell her that you understand how she feels where she is coming from (this could be that you are trying to understand but cannot) Step 2) Tell her how you are feeling, where you are coming from. Express all of you emotions: hurt, fear, sadness, anger (the in your face part). Step 3) Ask for what you want, need to happen. (You could first ask that the two of you have an honest talk about how this woman is effecting your relationship. And if you need to, you have every right to ask her to stop seeing this other person. It may be that your gf does not realize that you are troubled by her continuing to see this other woman as a friend. You know, the foundation of any truly healthy, emotionally intimate relationship is being honest with our feelings. I hope this is helpful; chat back if you have questions. I wish the two of you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX Eleanor
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Eleanor,


Thank you for your response. I will certainly give that a try.. I have previously discussed this issue with her and she knows how I feel about it. She has been fairly insensitive to my feelings and has minimized them by telling me that I'm being jealous.

I am sorry to hear that she has been insensitive to your feelings. Of course you are jealous, who wouldn't be?! Maybe you need to own your jealousy when you talk with her again. Ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed. I hope the 3 Steps help, good luck, Eleanor
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Eleanor,

I tried what you recommended but my gf refused.. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel like my feelings don't matter to my partner.
Hello again, I am very sorry to hear of your gf's response; I know it is very hurtful to feel that your feelings do not matter to the one you love. Unfortunately, you are now faced with a very difficult decision. Either you accept this other woman in your lives along with your gf's insensitivity to your feelings or you tell her that unless she ends the relationship, you cannot stay with her, and have to be ready to follow through and leave. There is no right or wrong decision, only the one that feels right for you. I would take a little time before making your decision; it does not have to be today. You deserve a partner who is respectful of your feelings, Eleanor