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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
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Hello. I broke a guys heart 9 years ago when I told him he

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Hello. I broke a guy's heart 9 years ago when I told him he was nothing and had nothing going for himself. I was madly in love with him, I just let other ppl get in my head, I was just 14yrs old. He walked away and never spoke to me again. I've carried the guilt with me for years and recently (4 days ago) I tried to reach out to him via Facebook asking him to call me asap and sent him a request as well.

I wanted to see how he was doing, catch up and let him know how sorry I am and that I didn't mean what Isaid I was just pressured bc I was a suburb girl and everyone thought he was no good including his mother who would always put him down, he was from the wrong side of the tracks.

But when I got to know him I saw how intelligent he was and how much he wanted to become something in life he just wasn't in an motivating environment, nobody to motivate him. Our chemistry was so perfect. I was so in love, we were so in love, but everyone around me said, "oh you're 14 u don't know what love is and it's puppy love." Well I'm 23 now and I can honestly say it was love. I think about it and I feel it burning inside of me again. There have been very few men who've made me feel that deep gut burning love.

But anyway bringing it back to my point. I reached out to him and he never responded but he received it. About 2 weeks later at 6:45am he tries to tag my profile pic to his page but I'm asked by fb to approve it. I say no because he hasn't responded to me nor has he accepted my request. Later that night he finally writes back but he's calling me out of my name and asking me if he even knows me.

Of course he does as we have 17 mutual friends on there and I tell him who I am anyway and I add that he doesn't need to disrespect me. I then tell him that I wasn't trying to offend him or start anything so I'm gonna just leave him alone and I apologize. He reads it and he doesn't respond.

I know I hurt him really badly but I didn't think after 9 years he would still have a vendetta against me. This tells me that he must still be hurt and is showing anger cuz that's how it comes out.
So to me I'm thinking he must still cares.

All I wanted was to tell him how sorry I am and that I really did love him. I would also tell him things that he didn't know like how after he walked away I sat down for a minute and felt like I made a huge mistake and I went to go after him but he was already gone and I didn't know where he went. I waited for months for him to come back. He wouldn't answer my calls and when I did see him a few months after the incident he would not listen to me, he literally ignored me and at the time I was just trying to make small talk, figuring I would wait until my aunt wasn't around to explain to him bc she was one of the ppl who told me I shouldn't be with him.

I feel so awful and like I just gotta talk to him...I have to get this off of my chest bc all i do is think about it...idk what to do. Please give me some advice

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how distressing this situation must be for you. You are certainly a caring and loving person. Having hurt someone that much that long ago would have most people just vaguely remembering it--even though it was a very deep hurt inflicted on him. That is a real testament to who you are that you still feel so badly about having done that.

He has clearly moved on, though. We don't know if he feels the hurt still as actively as you do. We only know that you awakened the incident for him. It very well may have receded into the past for him and then you may have awakened it. And that might very well account for his behavior on FB, etc.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. It is very honorable and very beautiful of you to seek to apologize and to share why you did what you did and that you wish you hadn't done it back then. But it is not appropriate for you to write/speak about it in terms of your love for him. For two reasons: it may be too strong a connection for him now after 9 years; and he may have changed and you may not want to commit yourself to using such a connecting word between you until you know him better.

You just don't know enough about his character today and what he's like and if you, as a 23 year old with all the experiences you've had over the last 9 years, will even like who he is now after these 9 years, let alone use the word love. I am therefore concerned for you to leave that part out of your further communications.

And he may very well be shocked and overwhelmed by such expressions, just as the memories may have been shocking and overwhelming for him. It would be considerate for him to just approach him as someone from his past who wishes to catch up. Only that your catching up is more than just saying hi. You want the opportunity to let him know what happened 9 years ago.

That's fair and I would encourage you to keep making efforts. It will make you feel better and is a very nice thing to do.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your prompt and professional answer. I also thank you for your wonderful compliments:))I absolutely understand your response. I did not mean to awaken old feelings or maybe I did in a way I'm not sure. I've found myself really reviewing things I've done in life and all of life's many lessons and there were errors I made. I see this as an error that can be corrected because I'm still alive and so is he. I heard his brother had passed a couple of months ago and that really propelled me to just go for it but I thought about it for days.

I think after a few years of the incident I blocked it out of my head. I

forgot, I moved on, lived life and so forth. And then one day I was talking with my mother and we were discussing our first loves and I mentioned him and I began to tell her everything from top to bottom and Dr. Mark I awakened those feelings within myself. All of the memories, the feelings, the burning inside, the guilt, the look in his eyes when I said such awful things to me, I will never forget that look, everything just hit me again and I said to myself I've gotta make this right.I write poetry so I tried to bury myself and those thoughts into my writings but it only made me starve to communicate with him.You mentioned that much time has passed and I don't really know who he is now and if I would like that and vice versa. I thought about that which is why I feel like it's too late for us to be an "US" especially since I feel he hates my guts and still carries that vendetta against me. Like He might not think about it anymore but if someone were to mention my name or he'd see me he would probably get a bad taste in his mouth.Also you expressed concern regarding using the love expressing words. It's funny that you mention that because when I came to my mom, who is my best friend, and I told her that I wanted to find him and personally explain everything to him she expressed the same concern saying that might bring up old things and that I should just say sorry without going into those details. The way she put it was to simply let him know that i know there was some issues in the past and im sorry and leave it at

At that. It's just a hard pill to swallow:( :)

Thank you and your time was truly appreciated.

First of all, I'm a romantic, so I am not ready to say that it CAN'T happen....

Second, wow! You're 23, so you two are young. His brother can't be that old, even if he was older. That he passed away is a trauma. And a couple of months ago is a very short time ago in terms of grief for a brother when he is around your age (or any age).

It may very well have been a bit of a shock for him to deal with his past right after a big part of his past died. That's true.

But that's also a reason for you to contact him and offer your condolences and just share what you've told me: you've moved on in your life, and in talking about the past you recognized that you have an opportunity to apologize and you wanted to not let it just pass you by.

I'm a romantic. But I also meant the compliments.

All the very best to you,

Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I apologize for the format of my last message. I am communicating with you from my mobile device and it doesn't seem too compatible with my device.


Yes his brother was a victim to gun violence and he was 25 or 26 years old.


Thank you for your kind words. I like the term "romantic" but I would consider myself...hmmm...a dreamer. That is not always good either lol.


I would like to reach out to him again I just don't want any bickering to be done. I would like to talk like adults. But I fear writing him again will come across as desperation and I don't want it to read as that so I'm just hoping and praying that maybe I will run into him somewhere as I stated we have mutual friends. I'm hoping that he will be willing at that point to at least listen to what I have to say and he won't really be able to walk away.


We'll see.


Thank you:)

Don't approach it with anything to lose and it will be an adventure.

All the best to you!

Dr. Mark