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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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So... I met this guy when I went away to New Orleans. As soon

Customer Question

So... I met this guy when I went away to New Orleans. As soon as I saw him I was instantly attracted. We didn't hang out much down there, but that night I did see him out and we danced the whole night. We kept in touch when we got back and hit it off right away. He told me he's in an "on and off" relationship. he took me out on our first date,we had an amazing time, for the first time I felt like a lady - he was such a gentleman. We only kissed that night. Fast forward to the second week, I ask him why isn 't his off and on gf pressuring him to get married and thats when he tells me she did and that they r engaged. I was so angry, i didn't speak to him but then when he finally got a hold of me, he gave me a really heartfelt apology and said he would come over and tell me face to face. He never meant for any of this to happen but that when he met me something came over him as well. Not to mention him and his fiance r having a lot of problems, r in therapy and have thought about calling it quits plenty times. So of course I tried to resist but was unable or else I wouldn't be writing you right now. He said he did think about leaving her and jus being with me but thought it was hard because he only known me for a month, I also discouraged him on that cuz now I don't really want him either cuz of the circumstances. She could be me one day. He does know that he wants nothing with me sexually once he gets married, he wants to do allof that the right way. We have been intimate several times and now i'm realizing that he's actually getting married sooner than I thought. So I told him that's it, no more. So we r jus friends now, i don't see him, etc. But we still talk and he's already askin if we can hang out but in social settings with friends and stuff. We have already told each other we love each other, its the type of thing that if he were single we probably would have been married 6 months from now, thats how strong the chemistry is, its not something either of us could control. We both have said, minus the circumstance, he is the man i been looking for all my life and i am the woman he's been looking for. advice?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

It seems that you have put yourself in a situation with a less than open and honest man. This affair will lead only to your heartbreak and pain.

This was something you actually could control but chose not to because you wanted to enjoy the pleasure of the moment.

Is he really the man you have been looking for all of your life? A man who will cheat and lie on his fiancee?

He loves her enough to marry her and if you were really the woman he has been looking for all of HIS life then he has found you and would marry YOU, and not lose you.

He wants to get married and continue the affair afterwards. He asks if he can hang out with you in social settings, after he gets married, but he just wants to continue the affair.

You are enjoying yourself a great deal, but you are going to be hurt and his wife-to-be is going to be hurt, and so will any other women he is seeing as well.

You did ask for advice. I urge you to end this affair right away. Try to see the situation realistically and project a bit into the future.

The longer you wait, the more pain it will be for YOU. He is using you, and his fiancee and does not really care about the possibility of causing great pain to others. He is probably a narcissist and loves the attention - and, is not capable of feeling empathy for others.

Need some help breaking this off? It's not divorce, but it is splitting.

Try this book:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW JD and Randi Kreger

I wish you courage and strength and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,