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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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So... I went away to new orleans and met a few different guys.

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So... I went away to new orleans and met a few different guys. However on the morning of my birthday July 5th we heard a lot of noise outside of our hotel room 1919 and so I went outside jokingly telling these guys to be quiet and thats when I met this one particular guy who was staying in 1926. As soon as I saw him something registered in my brain as if this is the guy i was meant to be with. I was so attracted to him, I ran back to my room and told all my friends about him. We didn't hang out much down there, but that night I did see him out and we danced the night away. In fact when I saw him he was actually dancing with another girl but as soon as he saw me, turned around and danced with me for the rest of the night. When I got back to NY, I text him that I arrived safe and he responded sayin he wish I would have said bye and glad I made it safe. Turns out he's from NY as well. Long story short we hit it off right away, spoke every single day for hours, all through work, after work, b4 goin to bed and said good mornin every morning. But something told me he may have a girlfriend because he always disappeared a little at the late night hours. In any case the first time we spoke on the phone he asked me my situation and i told him i was single, then i asked him his, he said he's in an "on and off" relationship. So that friday, he took me out on our first date,we had an amazing time, for the first time I felt like a lady - he picked me up from my house, he was such a gentleman, he even happened to meet some of my family by accident that night and they loved him. We only kissed that night. Fast forward to the second week, I ask him why isn 't his off and on gf pressuring him to get married and thats when he tells me she did and that they r engaged. I was so angry, i didn't speak to him but then when he finally got a hold of me, he gave me a really heartfelt apology and said he would come over and tell me face to face. He never meant for any of this to happen but that when he met me something came over him as well. Not to mention him and his fiance r having a lot of problems, r in therapy and have thought about calling it quits plenty times. So of course I tried to resist but was unable or else I wouldn't be writing you right now. He said he did think about leaving her and jus being with me but thought it was hard because he only known me for a month, I also discouraged him on that cuz now I don't really want him either cuz of the circumstances. She could be me one day. He does know that he wants nothing with me sexually once he gets married, he wants to do allof that the right way. We have been intimate several times and now i'm realizing that he's actually getting married sooner than I thought. So I told him that's it, no more. So we r jus friends now, i don't see him, etc. But we still talk and he's already askin if we can hang out but in social settings with friends and stuff. We have already told each other we love each other, its the type of thing that if he were single we probably would have been married 6 months from now, thats how strong the chemistry is, its not something either of us could control. We both have said, minus the circumstance, he is the man i been looking for all my life and i am the woman he's been looking for. I dont know.. please help.. what do you guys think?
Hello. If he is getting married, than you definitely need to let go. If you have this chemistry and you are the woman he has been looking for, then he would choose to be with you. He isn't. He has already cheated on his fiancee which shows you what kind of man he really is. If he was with you, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? I know that seems impossible, but cheaters generally repeat their behavior eventually.
I know it hurts to let go, but the honorable thing to do is to let go of a married man. If he wants to continue to talk to you, he is still being unfaithful. You need to let him be with his soon to be wife. I wouldn't recommend hanging out with him in social settings. I think it would make things worse for both of you and could be too tempting.
As hard as it is, you need to just let him go.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I pay $15 a month , just thought it was too short an answer for my paragraphs. I understand that people cheat, but it doesn't make them always a cheater. That myth is being busted nowadays. I have been in his position years ago where i was in a long term relationship and we had that gray area of together, not together, not happy and I did step out or cheat atleast I felt that way despite us being not all the way together. I learned from it and went on to another long term relationship and never even thought twice about cheating again even though i had plenty of opportunity and temptation. People are people, we make mistakes but we r doing the right thing of letting it go. Your right he didn't choose me, but would you advise that? Like you said, I don't want him either right now cuz of the circumstance and he is aware of that. He has said he would be willing to work with me if that ever came around, give me his phone for a year, anything (he suggested that). So thanks for you response but I was just expecting more esp since I been paying $15 a month and have yet to ask anything in the past few months.

I'm sorry you didn't like my answer, I'm not certain what else to say. You kind of answered your own question. I didn't say for sure all cheaters will always be cheaters, but they CAN and DO repeat habits sometimes. YOu met this guy on vacation and everything happened very quickly. I believe some of it was probably because he was having problems with his girlfriend, so he was more open to feelings for someone else. That is the pattern that happens. I don't know what the problems are in their relationship, but there are two sides to every story and perhaps he doesn't want to work through the problems with her, therefore it's easier to find someone new. I'm saying that is a possibility. YOu have to understand in this forum, all we have to go by is what you write and we are not mind readers, I just have to guess. If he is the kind of person who would rather start anew than to work on things, this is the kind of pattern that follows people.
If you have already decided not to see him and to let go, then your question is answered. I would tell him that if he ever leaves his wife, you will be willing to talk to him about a relationship but not before then.
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IN my opinion, if you stick around and wait for him in a way, I think there would be more damage than if you walked away completely. I have seen this exact scenario many times in my career. The person getting married says or even promises the other person that they will eventually leave their spouse for them, please wait for me, I'm in a loveless marriage, etc.. and it very rarely actually happens. The person feels angry ad bitter that they have wasted years of their lives waiting for someone who had no intentions of being with them in the first place. The circumstances which you met him and the haste that everything took afterwords is my concern. Again, I feel you have answered your own question in a sense and you seem to know exactly what's going on. You asked for an opinion on the situation and I'm saying I agree with you that you do need to let go, which it seems you are doing. Your only uncertainly sounded to me is if you should hang out with him in a social, friends only situation and I had stated I didn't think that would be a good idea because it would eat at you and bother both of you eventually, even if at first it seemed to work out fairly well. If his wife ever found out about you both and she knew that you were remaining friends, that would be an entire situation neither of you would enjoy being in.