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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.
It happens I suppose.
Hi, thank you for joining the chat.
No, thank you.
Could you please tell me what happened during this episode where this "lapse of judgment" was taken as the very reason for him to become this way towards you?
We were fighting and I started to talk to another guy who I claimed to be a friend and he found out. I did, in a way, cheat I guess. We've been broken up for a few months now but we're acting like a couple again and he feels comfortable with bringing me around family and admitting his feelings again. It's just a very slow process and it seems like for every step we take forward, it just brings us 5 steps back.
I see, then that's why he became this pushy about trust. Were you able to apologize and dialogue what led you to do what you did, so for you to learn from this experience, and to work on healing from it?
It's very concerning that while you have been together for a short period of time, then broke the relationship, the fights seem to have been present a lot. How far into the relationship these fights start? Was it only after the episode where you argued and you chose to talk to this male friend?
I was, but he admits that he doesn't believe me about certain things anymore. He seems stuck and I don't blame him, but I want his trust back.
No, we've argued a lot in the beginning as well. I feel I was a little more naïve then than I am now. I've certainly grown up more being with him and I've learned some things I do affect him as well.
If this was an isolated episode, but he's having this tough time coping with it, it could mean he has has trust issues already from past relationships, and this incident has triggered his fears and doubts about your honesty and fidelity no matter what you say about it.
He was cheated on in the past... That's why I'm so desperate to gain his trust back because I don't want him pushing me any further away. I know what he's done in response before, and I don't want him to do anything he'll regret.
I see, then you have not have a really long period without having fights in your relationship. How comapatible you truly feel you are based on what you have experienced so far then?
I feel we are very compatible. We're both just really stubborn and need help heal each other. I feel our pasts have scarred us deeper than we'd like to admit.
Then as i thought, he needs to work on himself, because even when your behavior triggered this new serious issue in your relationship, the issue was already there affecting his life from before you started dating, and unless eh works on healing and growing from ti, he would continue to react in irrational-impulsive ways.
How can I help?
In that case each of you need to work on yourselves individually, to resolve your personal issues, those which end leading you to create problems in your relationship, otherwise, no matter how much you may want to be and feel fine, it would not work. You got constant fights before this incident, then with it you broke up, then it is serious for sure.
The best you can do is to be fully consistent with your words and actions, showing you though concrete behaviors that you are trustworthy, that you respect, care and love him. This must include you setting and keeping healthy boundaries, and that means not enabling any form of abusive behavior by him, otherwise it would create a bigger issue.
Could you please elaborate?
It's good and acceptable for you to be open towards him, allowing him to check your mobile phone, not hiding social networks accounts from him, and more. But if you allow him to keep checking everything you do in an obsessive-controlling way, to the point of him becoming pushy, mean or disrespectful, then instead of it helping your relationship heal, it would enable more dysfunction and abuse.
You acknowledged that you made a mistake contacting tat male friend. You apologized and changed your behavior.You have been consistent with your commitment and shown him you do not hide anything and truly care about him, and about your relationship. Now he needs to do the same, he needs to take full responsibility for his feelings, words, choices and actions, and stp projecting his personal issues-fears from the past over you, literally destroying the relationship with it. His part on it does not depend on you at all, but it is n=him who needs to take full responsibility for it.
Does it make sense?
Thank you. It does. You just reminded me of a past argument and the advice feels spot on. You have no idea how relieved and happy I am right now haha. I'll be sure to mention this all to him and work on myself as well as helping him through this.
Good! You're very welcome. I am glad to know it has been this helpful.
Thank you for your trust.
Thank you for the help!