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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this challenging and frustrating situation.
can i tell u the whole situation ?
Could you please tell me more about her, her behavior before you told her about your feelings?
Sure, please go on.
well this is the whole scenario as i understand
this girl in office started looking at me and gave me signals
i ignored her and she kept coming on to me
then i started talking to her but not much
one day i showed her i liked her like emailing her and asking her phone number etc
then from the next day she started playing hard to get
then i got irritated and then the ego and power game began
her mother also works in the same office and she started behaving with me in a very nice manner
i started doubting these parents wants me to marry her or something
then this girl left this office as she got a better job
but i have feelings for her so i sent her a facebook friend request and she accepted it
then i started sending her message on facebook but no response
then i became irritated and told her on a chat that i have feelings for her
after a while shre replied she is not interested
but her mother in office seemed to be very happy and all
and from then she keeps on ignoring me and her mother keeps on behaving with me in avery good manner
after a while i stopped everything and her mother in office used to cry looking at me
i am not able to understand whats going on ?
whenver i approach her in any way she responds as she does not care
Could you please clarify why her mother cried at the office and did it while looking at you instead of keep it private?
cried means i saw frustration in her face when i stopped
too much frustration
then this girl uploaded a pic on facebook with a guy
and her mother and her friends in office started looking at my reaction and all
like observing me that i am getting frustrated or not ?
not sure what to do now
i am not in a place personally to meet this girl face to face
due to so many rejections
and i send her messages and no reply
How old is this person and what's her cultural background?
and her mother shows all the effort to show me that there is a chance ?
white girl from south africa
drinking partying etc
her mother is like 50 or something
she is 23
but a school passout only
I agree with you, her mother's behavior appears to show that. while her behaviors seems very immature and possibly manipulative too.
and she keeps on forwarding all these messages to the girls in office
i know this with the way they look at me next day in office
so its a terrible situation going on
like whatever i do it kills my reputation
and if i do nothing then her mother creates problems
You were honest and open letting her know about your feelings, after she showed interest from her own initiatives and welcoming attitude, but as soon as you decided to open up, she changed. Now the fact that she left her job there and started a new one must be taken into account too, since now she is not close to you and could have new expectations at the new place.
so what to do ?
You mean she forwarded your email messages to your female coworkers?
and sms as well
I am sorry to know that, but such is a very abusive and insensitive behavior.
the problem is her mother behaves like i am her son in law or something
Which confirms how immature and dysfunctional this person is
the problem is whenever i try to leave her or something these people so somethings to show me there is a chance
and they know i have feelings for her
so i cant
like she changes her profile pic nad after some time her mother and her friends roam around to check my face how i am doing
her mother could and will continue to behave in the way she feels it is fine for her, but you should not adjust your behavior to please or be pushed by anybody, but focus on taking good care of yourself, and it is obvious now, that this person is not only not interested but has become abusive and mean towards you, creating this very uncomfortable climate for you at your workplace
these behaviours create problems for me
and i am not able to get over her
so why her mother behaves like this
and they try to make me jealous
and do somethings to test my background
They could try to manipulate you, but it would be impossible for that to happen unless you allow it, or enable the abuse and manipulation by playing the game. This is why you need to set clear and healthy boundaries and limits, and not to follow any unhealthy patter here, otherwise you would feel even more overwhelmed, pushed and tense. They do not have power to "make you feel" this is that way, but if you allow or enable their manipulation it would continue for sure, until they change their mind about it.
and what i do after office hours
but i just want to understand what can be going on here
why this girl behaves like she does not care at all and why her mother and many other people in offce try tp push me towards her
If you do not feel comfortable nor happy at all with her behavior towards you, and the manipulation all these people have been showing in their behaviors, then I do nto see another assertive option but for you to set good boundaries and focus on taking good care of yourself instead of fueling the obsession about her.
but is there any reason why will somebody do that
first i thought these people want me to be frustrated to a limit so that i will marry her or something
because few times they have asked me in a joking way that will you marry a south african girl or not
or will ur parents accept a south african girl or not ?
i just want to know one thing that matters
that whther the girl feels about me or not
It's obvious they are being very manipulative, while she is obviously abusive when disregarding your feelings, avoiding you and then sharing private messages with all these people, that does not show she rally cares, but a very unhealthy approach that could not help you for sure. If this person could do all these things now, imagine what she would be capable of in the future if you expose yourself to her even more?
or it is just only her mother because i have agood carrer or something
i have a permanant headache which i dont seem to get rid off
what can i do about it ?
Anybody who could speculate pushing you to marry another person you barely know, and who has been obviously abusive and manipulative, would be very disrespectful,immature and even abusive; and I do not recommend anybody in your shoes to expose to that at all, unless you were willing to afford consequences like getting closer to a person who would mistreat you that way and even worse.
what to do about these feelings of jealousy and headache
My suggestion is for you to come to come to terms with reality, with the fact that this has become a very unhealthy and destructive situation, that unless you stop fueling it by playing their game, it would not end soon. but as soon as you decide to set boundaries and focus on taking good care of yourself away from it-them, you would be and feel better.
thanks a lot
Can you just please give me a possible reason what can these manners mean
why will some people behave like that
she and her mother ?
Do not stay passive, isolate or focus on this illusion, but focus on experiencing situations, activities when by yourself and around "healthy" people, in order to create and promote sense of meaning, fulfillment and joy in your life, doing what you enjoy doing, with people who show respect, caring and compatibility with your personality, values and ways of living.
Immaturity, and many times dysfunctional patterns learned in families, since both, mother and adult child present these unhealthy and manipulative behaviors.
immaturity for achieving what ?
Immaturity in their personalities and ways of doing things, leading them to manipulate and disrespect-abuse people, like they show through their behaviors
You're very welcome
i think i will end this and in a non direct way i will communicate this to them that manipulation does not affect me
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thks a lot
Just end further contact with her and limit your communication and sharing at work to what is strictly job-related, being friendly fr sure , but keeping good boundaries. You're very welcome. Please do not forget to rate support before leaving the session. Thanks and bye for now.