Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

How do I deal with a relative who is always asking me for money,

large amounts like 3k or...
How do I deal with a relative who is always asking me for money, large amounts like 3k or more at a time, and becomes extremely manipulative when I say no? She will escalate the emotional pressure on me to the point she actually tells me she will kill herself if I don't give her the money to pay her rent. She has done this many times in the past, she says she is borrowing money from me then never pays it back and then appears to forget she owes me. It's really upsetting to me and has completely destroyed any relationship we ever had. She has been doing this for 30 years to me, she used to do it to our grandmother, she has a small income but simply will not live within her means and when she gets a large chunk of money she buys expensive cars and things like that instead of saving.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 16 minutes by:
8/30/2013
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating and confusing this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring person. How do I know? Because this situation never happens to people who are selfish and uncaring.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Your relative is using your caring and desire to give as a weapon against you. And this is so hard because we wish to think the best of people and feel bad if we actually say that they are acting in selfish ways and using us. It's not pleasant and we want to think the best of people.

But it's important to think the best of her in what she really is: she's a person who needs to think of herself as a victim to avoid taking responsibility for herself. This is a mental health issue, a disorder. To think the best of her is to recognize your relative has a mental health issue she's not dealing with. And here's the important follow up:

You're not a professional; you're not a psychologist or therapist. You can't help her with her problem. To give her money over and over is what we call in psychology "enabling". It means in her case allowing her to continue to avoid facing her problems and to live dysfunctionally. Her manipulating is part of the disorder and to give her money under threats is enabling her.

Enabling has become a widely discussed topic on the internet. (That gives you the idea: you're not alone in facing this problem of manipulative and needy relatives--I hope that made you smile.) So do a search on enabling and become familiar with the term. It is used often in relationship to alcoholics and addicts, but that's the same concept: those addictive behaviors are enabled by bailing them out, giving them money, etc.

Therefore, you have to free yourself from that. You have to recognize that you are not responsible for her. If she is so distraught that she threatens suicide, then you need to give her the phone number of a hotline. Here is the number for the national suicide hotline:


1-800-273-8255

 

They have professionals on call at all times ready to help anyone with such thoughts. This is the way we help someone who's ill: we refer them to a doctor. And that's what you need to do as well. Here's a wonderful book you can also get on the net:


The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. This is excellent and not just for the usual enabling of alcoholism, etc.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified
Dr. Mark and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Thanks for your response. I have realized my giving in is enabling her to continue not being responsible, but it is really traumatic for me when she attacks me with all her manipulative tricks. I will check out the book you recommend and hope to learn something that will help me respond in a healthier way.
Yes, she counts on that. She counts on causing you distress so that you give in to her dysfunction. But you have to keep this firmly in your consciousness:


I am not a professional. I'm feeling distress because she has a disorder. This is a traumatic feeling because I'm in the presence of a mental, emotional disorder. I'm not a professional and I have to direct her to get to a professional.


Remember: if she was having a medical disorder, the above would be just as true, right? So this is not a make believe I'm recommending. It's the proper procedure for family to follow when there is a disorder in a relative.


All the best to you,


Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Verified
Dr. Mark and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Hi, Hermes! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
5,334 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships

Dr. Mark is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I'm having a bad day.... I actually thought it would be a
I'm having a bad day.... I actually thought it would be a long time before I reached out to you again if ever... maybe it's this time of year I don't know. I've been thinking about Darcy again... a lo… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Is it normal that when my hubby and I have a discussion I
Is it normal that when my hubby and I have a discussion I fantasize about running to my distant cousin I have known since a child and is single and I always felt a strong connection? I feel sometimes … read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Doctor
Doctoral Degree
338 satisfied customers
I need some advice on whether on not to contact my ex. We
Hello, I need some advice on whether on not to contact my ex. We broke up in Nov after a year and a half. We had some ups and downs and were also doing long distance. In the end, poor communication di… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I met my fiance' d9ughter last night after 5 years. He did
I met my fiance' d9ughter last night after 5 years. He did nit raise her but they started to have a relationship about 3 years ago. Anyway, I met her and I do not like her at all. She played as if she… read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what
Hypothetical but it happens: I see this all the time, what to do in this situation? Husband has not had sex with wife in over 10 years but keeps track of any potential romantic behavior and interferes… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I
It's been 4 days now without contact. During the night I began to realise that K will never change her mind. She broke with an email and said in it that if I cared for her I would respect her decision… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I'm really hurted actually and just looking for advices
Hello, I'm really hurted actually and just looking for advices about what to do while so confuse once I already was betrayed in my past relationship. My English is not so good I'm sorry. Well, 3 month… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST Oh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this
I ONLY WANT THERAPIST JENOh Boy Again! Wait til you hear this one.... it's back to Darcy my favorite ...So last night I stopped by a local sports bar for a beer... I've been taking a “Heart Break” and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I just got back recently with my ex girlfriend... we been
I just got back recently with my ex girlfriend... we been back together for 2 weeks now and in the middle had one serious argument. After the argument i apologized cuz it was my misjudgement. She acce… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
My husband flirts with women on FB. He will friend women
My husband flirts with women on FB. He will friend women from far away who pose sexy selfies and he comemets on their beauty and so forth. I feel this is cheating. Now there is messages going on in hi… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three
Hi. I started talking to a girl on a dating website about three weeks ago, and we've been on 2 dates so far. I REALLY like her - she's sweet, cute, fun...but last week, after our second date, I went t… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago
My boyfriend and I decided to mutually path ways 4 days ago because of his career choices and my family issues. 2 days after the pathing, he visited me at my house and we agreed that all we experienci… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
For expert: today I am arriving at his city and stay for two
For expert Martin: Hi today I am arriving at his city and stay for two weeks. I haven't contacted him since that grumpy message probably because I m not happy that he was avoiding me. Now can you give… read more
Martin
Martin
Electrical engineer
Bachelor's Degree
486 satisfied customers
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder
I was only conceived for the mental health of my elder sister who was a mistake. Is this a reasonably normal background please?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
171 satisfied customers
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me
I went though my girlfriends phone and she was watching me to see what I was going through and looking at and was wondering if that's a red flag .She said she just wanted to see what I was looking at … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
I am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship. She
i am looking for some unbiased help on my relationship … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos
My wife and I have been married 40 years. In sorting photos I noticed while organizing our old photos that she kept a number of photos (7 or 8) of an old boy friend. She dated him off and on for about… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in
Hello I am a 38-year-old male and work full-time in law-enforcement. Over five years ago I met a woman through my work and her daughter was 11 at the time. She was with somebody then so I thought noth… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x