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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5824
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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So heres the deal. I met this guy 3 weeks ago, he was all

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So here's the deal. I met this guy 3 weeks ago, he was all over me. Texting and calling all the time...a true gentleman. I let him do all the initiating. We slept together the 2nd week, which is something I never do but I did it. Anyways, after that he was still around all the time wanting to see me and be with me. Two days ago, we went out, he slept over and hung out till afternoon. I suddenly noticed a change while hanging out but didn't ask him about it, just felt him pulling back. I didn't hear from him till the following late afternoon. He texted me, "How was your day?". I texted him back about 2 hours later saying I had an excellent day and asked how his day was. He wrote write back and said he was at a sports tryout. I wished him luck and that was it. Today he texted me again saying "Hey" and I responded, "Hi there". He texted me back an hour later saying, "What's up?" , I responded, that was heading to the gym soon and asked how he was. Now I haven't heard back again.

I've been mirroring his actions but I keep wondering if I should ask him if he's ok? Is he testing me? Is this a slow brush off but keeping contact to see if I'm still there? I'm generally not very good at "the game" and can't tell if I should just be cool and keep doing what I am doing or reach out to him in case something is bothering him and I'm being insensitive.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling about this relationship. It can be very hard to know why a person changes their interaction with you, especially after things seem to be going so well at first.

It sounds like their could be one of three things going on here. One, he is pulling back because he fears that he was too intense in the beginning and does not want to show how much he likes being around you. Sometimes in relationships the first few weeks are very intense. Then the person has a chance to think about how they are reacting and they feel embarrassed or don't want to give the wrong impression so they pull back and try to act like they are not that interested when in fact they are.

Another possibility is that his friends learned of his feelings for you, maybe because he seemed preoccupied, was away a lot (with you) or he told them. They could have made a big deal of it, teasing him and making him feel bad. That might cause a guy to pull back just to show he is still cool and is able to handle being in love.

He could also be pulling back because he fears commitment. As soon as your relationship passed the initial excitement, he might have been frightened by his feelings for you and pulled back out of fear. Commitment issues are common, especially if someone grew up in a broken home or with trauma in their past. People fear getting attached because they don't want to get hurt if the relationship does not work out.

At this point, you have gone along with anything he has wanted to do. You have not crowded him or done anything he has not wanted to do. But this is your relationship as well and you have shared intimacy with this guy. So you are within your rights to ask about his feelings and to know where he stands in the relationship. It is not too much just to ask.

Start by telling him you would like to see him again. Set up a time for something casual like take out or just getting together. Use that time to tell him that you enjoyed your time together and you would like to see each other more often. See how he reacts. Another option is to just directly ask him how he feels about your relationship. Either way, he should be able to give you an answer so you know how to proceed.

I hope this has helped you,
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.


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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yeah you have a point but I've been in this position before with the disappearing man (who I didn't sleep with) and approached and asked him and it seemed to make it worse, suddenly I felt like I appeared needy (which I really not) and I'm concerned about making the wrong move again and have it backfire. My friends are telling my I don't know how to play the game and I'm supposed to be more aloof and keep them guessing. I'm recently divorced with a man I was with for a total 9 years/4 of those married and I'm way out of practice.

You can certainly try being more aloof. But that does leave you in his control. He gets to decide how your relationship goes and you give all your power to him. Basically, you have to live with not knowing if you are in a relationship, if he is just playing a game or if he is serious. That is a tough way to be with someone.

And if he is not playing a game but thinks you are, that is confusing for both of you.

If just asking a man if he is interested makes him run away, something is wrong anyway. No man who is going to be good in a long term relationship and who is someone you can trust runs away over a question about how he feels.

What choice you make depends on your comfort level. But communication in the beginning of a relationship tells you if this will be a healthy relationship or not. If he runs at the first inquiry about how he feels, it probably would not have been a good relationship for you.

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