Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very sad and overwhelmingly painful reality you and your children have been enduring for so long.
I am afraid that based on your brief but clear words, your husband may be an alcoholic, present other mental health and personality disorders, which next to his addiction have led to this horrible reality where you and your little children have become real victims. There is nothing that could justify domestic violence, any form of abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional, financial or physical, nothing could make it acceptable, and if he as an adult, parent and husband is unable and unwilling to even acknowledge his addiction, mental health and behavioral problems, and the abusive reality he has created undermining you and your children's lives, then it would be hopeless and unrealistic to expect any improvement in your situation.
When you mention how your fear about "leaving your comfort zone" when into this very dysfunctional and abusive reality against your personal and your children's well-being, you show how codependency could have possibly deeply undermine your ability to assess reality and take consistent actions in order to protect yourself and your children, and to end any form of enabling of further abuse.
You said you have done everything to please him but it's never been enough, and that's correct, it would never been enough, since pleasing another person these ways would never truly help, as long as the abuse, dysfunction, lack of respect and accountability do not happen to be mutual.
Codependency is an addiction, but rehabilitation is possible. counselign and psychotherapy could be very necessary as long as competently provided, but without actually taking consistent action in order to set boundaries and limits, and to make changes to end every form of abuse, counseling or any other source of help would become useless.
,That'sPrettyMuchExactlyWhatIWasThinking, Nice To Hear It From A Proffesional Though, He Likes To Turn Everything Around On Me, And Always Goes On About How Great He Is, When Really I Know Hes Very Insecure. Im Tired Of It All.
You need to get all the help you can from your "support system", namely those people close to you, from family to close friends, who happen to be healthy, assertive, caring and supportive, in order to work on your own rehabilitation process and to be able to work on rebuilding your lives without relapsing and getting back into the same self-sabotaging patterns.
Sure he does that, people with those disorders could be expert manipulators, and whenever abuse this serious is involved, anything could come from it, that's why it would be hopeless and helpless to keep pushing and fooling yourself thinking you would fix him and the whole situation, it would not happen, since it does not depend on you. You can and should only control what depends on you, which is your personal and your children's well-being, but him needs to do the same, and if he chooses not to, you could not expose yourself nor your children to further abuse and dysfunction.
You and your children need and deserve to have tranquility, respect, understanding and support, a healthy and fulfilling life, not abuse and dysfunction. Then please get necessary help from your loved ones, and commit to your rehabilitation process, from individual counseling to group therapy or at least consistency attending a support group for codependency.
Think that your children's personality and future lives are being literally shaped, and in very distorted ways by every experience they witness and have there, and that no matter how much you wish them not to suffer, as long as they continue to be exposed to this dysfunction, they would suffer the consequences in the present and future. This is why it is so important, necessary and worthy to take consistent actions and do start taking good care of yourselves.
You bet it will.
We Have One More Family Camping Trip This Weekend, Should I Go?
You're very welcome. Please be clear and remind yourself that believing you have been helping him by staying is a huge illusion, one that only enables further addiction, mental illnesses and abuse, it does anything but help him to take any chance to even behold the possibility for any change, including his rehabilitation process. You nor your children should afford the consequences for that at all.
If it would allow you to get help and share in healthy ways with people who respect, love and support you, sure, but if it would just perpetuate codependent patterns, pushing you away from what you need to do to take good care of yourself and children, then I do not think it would be convenient nor healthy.
Finally Someone Gives Me Straight Forward Advice. Very Refeshing, I Cant Thank U Enough!
Thank you for allowing yourself to be this honest and open. Now please, take consistent action and stick to it, make a scared intention to work on your own healing, and on protecting and taking good care of your children without excuse, and you all would enjoy the benefits from it.
I am glad to know it has been this helpful. Please feel free to contact me for any further support.