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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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This woman has begun texting me again after a month of silence.

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This woman has begun texting me again after a month of silence. Friendly cheerful etc.Now I haven't heard from her in a few days. The last text she sent,I was somewhat abrupt because I think she is just feeling echoes. What is she thinking

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : People often back away out of fear of getting hurt.
Dear XXXXX : They think that blocking their feelings is better then just opening up and expressing how they feel.
Dear XXXXX : It sounds like she has realized that she wants you in her life.
Dear XXXXX : Even though it has been a month of her not contacting you I feel that she has gave things some thought and she misses you. She wants you to be a part of her life again. Now it been a few days and you have not heard from her. She might be hoping you contact her of she does not know what to say when she calls again.
Dear XXXXX : i am due she wants to contact you again but does not know how you feel.
Dear XXXXX : Her backing out of the reception was her being nervous. I think she felt like she could not handle being in that type of setting with a lot of people, so she decided not to go. Then she asked you how it was to see if you had a good time and to see if you were ok with her not going. She wanted to see if you were upset.
Dear XXXXX : I feel she is someone that does not express her true feelings. Instead of just telling you she was not going, she should have gone into detail about not going. She should have said I get nervous around a lot of people. She might have said she really wanted to go but she just could not handle it. She needs to tell you why. She needs to explain why it's been a month.
Dear XXXXX : It all sounds like she is nervous and doesn't know how to act almost like her feelings for you are all new.
Dear XXXXX : I think she needs to be guided in what is the right thing to do. I would contact her today by text telling her you just were checking in to see how she is doing.
Dear XXXXX : This will open the door for her to communicate and feel comfortable.
Dear XXXXX : You want her to know that you loved hearing from her a few days again.
Dear XXXXX : She needs to know that she can contact you any time because you like hearing from her.
Dear XXXXX : You want to text her also that it was nice hearing from you.

That's nice to hear but I called her as well and she texted me back.She still refuses to engage me on a personal level via phone and I wouldn't even know how to start a conversation.She did say it would be nice to see me but once again she has ignored me completely I have given this woman all her space and not interfered in her life.there are still issues like clothes and money which she refuses to address.I just wonder if this is best left alone for a little while.i want this woman back but I think it has to be on her.She is unbelievably stubborn

Dear XXXXX : She seems like nervousness to start a relationship.
Dear XXXXX : She wants to keep her distance but be friendly and communicate a little because she misses you.
Dear XXXXX : I would start again slow and see where things lead. It seems she wants this relationship on her own terms.
Dear XXXXX : She wants to text and that is it right now. Some times people do not like to talk on the phone because they are afraid to say the wrong thing. With texting she can think about what she wants to say.

I have taken the high road in all of this.She knows how I feel and I think I know how she feels.I have no problem with the the way she wants the relationship ,I just want her to open the door a little and not pressure her.She even texted me that her young daughter saw me(I have no idea where) and said how good I looked.????

Dear XXXXX : That was very nice of her to tell you that, it sounds like she is trying to drop hints that she wants to start again but does not know where to begin.
Dear XXXXX : It is very obvious she wants to take things slow.

neither do

Dear XXXXX : She needs to because I feel the faster things go the more she will back away.
Dear XXXXX : I think you both need to keep communicating.
Dear XXXXX : This is how she will get more comfortable with the relationship.

understood but I don't know where to start assume I will hear from her again ,I just need to let her be comfortable with her decision to connect. in your experience do u think she will reach out again.I am very confused.

Dear XXXXX : It sounds like she wants you in her life and she is trying but testing to see if you are still interested. It took a lot for her to contact you after a month. She did not know how you would react. She now knows you received her contact well and she has a second chance. Often times when people let time pass they get to nervous to contact again. She took the risk because she cares about you. I see this working and I do feel she will contact you again. But I feel you should also text her just ask her about her day let her know you are there.
Dear XXXXX : You want to reach out just like she is and just text to see how she is doing. See how her day is going. Just little things to show you care.
Dear XXXXX : This will create a bond and a strong relationship.

lol.i will wait for her to text and take your advice from there.I am pretty beaten up right now and don't have the courage to be rejected. trying to get healthy .Wish me

Dear XXXXX : Just take things slow and when she text make sure you tell her you are happy to hear from her. This way she will keep texting because she knows you want to hear from get.
Dear XXXXX : *her
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your question. Often times when people communicate everyday the person gets use to hearing from the person they begin to look forward to the person. Then if the person stops the person begins to wonder why the person didn't text and they wait for them to text. I feel that you should develop a pattern. If you didn't want to text everyday you could text let's say every Wednesday asking how she is doing. She will answer and it is just a nice gesture you asking her how she is doing. Wednesday is in the middle of the week and its a good day to check in. Over time of you texting she will look forward to talking with you. She will think that is great to be able to talk about her day. You want to recreate a connection. People get closer by communication, by being there for each other. The more you are there in her life the more emotions and feeling develop.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

It happened again. after the nice texting she actually showed up.We had a great conversation and I was being polite. Started to discuss the relationship but she said that door was closed which pissed me off as I am wondering why the texting and the visit.hurt all over again. sent her a letter as closure and to leave me alone. sends me back a letter how sad and lonely she is and she was missing me which is why she dropped in. like an idiot I told her I wanted the same things. She then proceed to send me a one line email.saying she has to get on with her and she was sorry. also found out she has been seeing someone since the break up. What the hell am I dealing with here. and of course we are back to lockdown on communication. she contacts me whenever she feels like it. Tell me this is the last time this person comes near me.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Any insight

She is torn on her feelings. When she showed up I feel shred came yo see if there was anything left. She wanted to see how she felt about you. She knew she missed you. Which shows me she is not over the relationship. But she is also saying things I feel she doesn't mean like saying that door is closed. I think she was looking for your reaction. It is almost like she does not want you to know how much she does care about you. She wants to be in control of the relationship. But she should not be saying that door is closed when it clearly is not. It seems like she is searching to see if you and her can have a relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Well it seems like the door is closed again and I have to get on with my life.I can not wait to see if she will contact me again because I am doing unhealthy things.And I would have no idea what to say to her the next time anyway!

You need closure to this relationship. She is constantly sending you mix messages. She contacts you out of nowhere, decides to see you and then acts like she doesn't want to have a relationship. But if the feelings were not there she would have never contacted you. So what she is saying is giving you mixed signals. You need more from her, she needs to be honest with you. I think she was trying to figure out if you still had feelings for her.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

will she contact me again and if so what should I say?

I think she will contact you again. When she does contact you, you want to just be yourself. Be kind and friendly and tell her it is nice to hear from her. She is sending all these mix messages. Contacting you after so much time it was because she missed you and wanted to talk. She wanted to see you again because she wanted to see what was left in the relationship. But I think she needs time to sort things out. I think she is trying to give the impression that she is not interested but she really is interested. I would just take your time and get to know each other again. You could even text her and ask her how she is doing and how was her day.