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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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6 years in a relationship I think I need to get out. I met

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6 years in a relationship I think I need to get out.

I met my GF 7 years ago at work, she was married at that time. She's younger than me (currently 29 and I am 36) but that was never a problem. We had issues of trust created by me from the very beginning, I get that, I was very immature and did things that were not the best.

I had some incline of what I wanted in life and apparently it lined up with hers. She is very insecure, she mentioned in several instances that I cheated on her, of course, I never actually had physical contact with another woman (even though I have made some stupid choices in life that seems that I cheated on her) so she doesn't trust me, that happened over 5 years ago. I proposed marriage trying to fix things and we were going to get married but decided that we were not ready (she decided to do that first then after a deep review I decided that it was a good decision). We have coasted through life since then, she always complained that I promised marriage and kids, she always brings the past, every day. I can remember one month that she backed out with the constant complaining towards me, that was nice but after that it was every single day... She has a lot of anger and I have broke up with her a few times. The problem is that every time I break up with her she start threating me with cutting herself and being slightly suicidal. A few days ago I had to stop her by telling her that we will be good and to forget that I broke up with her as long as she doesn't do any harm to herself. This can't be good to myself, I am not trying to be selfish here but I hate myself right now. I hate coming home from work because I know what I have waiting for me. I was going to the gym after work just to clear things on my mind and she made it as I was cheating on her with someone or that I wanted to be fit so I'll find someone else. I mean, she is a good woman but this is being really hard for me. A month ago I even thought that I was having a heart attack because she did not wanted to leave me alone (I think it was more like a panic attack but felt straight in the heart).
What should I do?? She suggested to see a therapist so we are meeting with one tomorrow but honestly, I am onboard with whatever but I don't think fixing this will help me. I don't need anyone to fix this relationship but don't know how to approach this with the counselor. Any ideas? Any suggestions? I really need some help!
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Based on your description, it sounds like your girlfriend has issues with trust and with self harm, possibly due to borderline personality disorder (self harm is a symptom). While it is hard to know for sure why she is acting out like she is, it seems that she is using your few mistakes in the past as a reason to control you into being with her, going against what you feel about the relationship. Also, she is using threats of self harm to make you feel responsible for her emotions, never a good sign in a relationship. Using guilt and responsibility for another person's emotional stability is not a good foundation for a open and loving relationship.

It is a good idea to see the therapist. When you do go, you need to be honest about your feelings. You can tell the therapist what has happened between you and include everything you have said here today. The therapist needs to know this because it may be that it is your girlfriend's emotional issues that are causing the relationship to fail or it could be something else. Knowing all the facts will help the therapist help the both of you. Seeing a therapist is also worth trying because if you do decide to leave, you want to know you tried everything you could to make a go of the relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you Kate! I will! I have a question though, I do not want to give the wrong impression to the counselor that by going to see him I would like to fix the relationship. It is probably a misconception of mine, I've never been to one but I don't want him to fix it (or by fix it is to determine that it's best to be apart?) I hate to not be willing to try but I've tried and tried and this is past to the point of no return (I think?)

It is perfectly fine to go and say you are not there to fix things but to talk everything out so you can part in a better way. Therapists are ok hearing that and can help with that as well.

Kate
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