I’m not even sure where to begin. Having been alone with my thoughts for a few days now, I was hoping to have a better grasp on what I want to say. The greatest conclusion that I have reached was just that, poor communication. We’ve spent the last 4 ½ months speaking via text, or through intoxicated minds for 80% of the time. Speaking in ways that are so subjective to the other party, so open for interpretation filtered through our own egos that I truly believe that was our downfall. It feels like you and I should be the poster children of how not to communicate effectively, how to leave the other one confused, hurt, and in my case even more broken. And I am fully aware that I, even though I can talk for hours, can cover every most superficial topic as to avoid that true communication between two souls.
Without said communication, I really have no idea what you are thinking. I’m no mind reader and neither are you. So, in fact we are both walking around thinking that we know what the other one is thinking when in fact we have no idea. My interpretation of what has been happening, is that neither of us, being as damaged from our pasts as we are, can handle the aspects of what we are feeling. I feel very deeply about you, yet I have always stood there too afraid to let you know. Having done so would have made me more vulnerable, which is something I protect myself against all of the time. Truth be told though, I was and still am vulnerable, because simply not telling you my feelings didn't shield me from the vulnerability. It only made my actions less interpretable to you as you never knew what I was thinking, and vice versa.
We could chalk it up to that we just aren’t compatible. That would be the easy way to get free from this, but I don’t really think that is true. I believe that we are compatible in many ways, some ways may need to be worked on, but that seems really minor. I think the key here is the word ‘work.’ When two people desire to be involved with each other, it takes work. It takes effort on both sides and that is not always an easy task. The intensity of feelings that I have for you naturally calls for progression of the relationship. Neither of us has let that happen. We continue to act in this casual manner, but yet our emotions grow, and the way we treat each other doesn’t. We obviously have needs and things that we need from one another, yet we never communicated those things. The parts of my personality or actions that drove you away, that drove you crazy, were never verbalized; therefore I was completely unable to make the changes that you needed. I had my interpretation of what you expect from me, but yet never really knew what you needed from me. Part of a healthy relationship is making some changes to suit the other, and doing so just because you adore the other person. We never set up any boundaries. We expected them from each other, but never communicated them to make them clear.
These are some of my thoughts about the demise of what we had going. But again, without a dialogue there really is no way to tell. I’ve assumed so many things along our path, and probably wrong assumptions at that, but here I am again, assuming. Now you have closed this book, and walked away. Your silence is deafening. I want to ask for some talk before I go. I guess I’m just hoping that we learn something from all of this.
I will leave you with these words though: I did fall for you, heavily. I do love you, and I missed my chance to ever say it in a venue of our relationship where it would have had an impact. I didn’t know how to and I was terrified of admitting it. Now I am, and it is too late. It is so cliché to say so, but love sometimes is not enough. We never added the effort, the big one, the communication effort to our dynamic. It is truly sad, almost tragic that adults of our age still have no idea on how to work an interpersonal relationship. Maybe I am just naïve in believing that you felt the same way about me. Maybe so, but deep down I am a hopeless romantic, okay, sometimes just hopeless, but romantic nonetheless. I know we had our times, our times when things seemed really bad, but it never was that bad. I have seen people overcome much larger hurdles in making things work, but again, we never communicated and just left things unsaid, and in the end it killed us. I certainly feel like I love you enough to have tried, but it seems that it was not reciprocated.
I really hope that one day you find the girl of your dreams and I'm sorry I wasn't her. Good luck. Stay golden.
I love you,
p.s. A response, even should it be, “f**k off and die,” would be nice. We could at least communicate in the end.