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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My fiance is very jealous of my friendship with my best friend.

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My fiance' is very jealous of my friendship with my best friend. Tonight, she had called to tell me that the mother of an old high school friend of ours had passed away. While I was on the phone with her, he beeped in, I answered when I saw it was him to tell him that I needed to call him back. He said ok and seemed fine about it but now hasn't returned any of my phone calls or texts. He is currently away for work until tomorrow. It's like he is punishing me for choosing to finish my conversation with her over talking to him.

On top of that he has taken my phone on two occasions (that I know of either because he told me he did or because I caught him looking through my phone) to look through my text messages when he is drunk and then tries to say that he has 'caught' me (doing exactly what he has never been able to express however) when I know there is absolutely no way he has possibly read anything inappropriate. After we argue for awhile he then says, he knows that I am faithful to him and would never do anything to hurt him. But he is particularly jealous of an old guy friend from 10 years ago who lives over 1000 miles away from us. This guy was never a boyfriend but merely a very good friend and he claims that there is no way that this guy doesn't have "a thing" for me. But the truth is I barely even talk to this old friend, he and I were in a band together for 3 years and we were strictly friends and never romantically involved. He recently came to town and my boyfriend claimed that it eased his fears to have met him in person. But clearly it did not because he exploded on me when this friend commented on my Facebook that he missed me. This same friend recently had a mild heart attack and I truly think he is simply reaching out to those that he feels close to. His parents died years ago, he has no siblings and so he is very much alone. The bottomline is that my fiance' is a great guy in so many ways but I fear his jealous, possessive and clingy nature may not be what I am able to deal with. I love him, I am good at communicating and would certainly love to make this work but I don't know what else to do to make him trust me and get over his insecurities. I should also mention he doesn't have any friends of his own that he can call up and go out with so it's very stressful for me to have independence in this unstable relationship. Should I try to help or run away screaming?!
Hello. Your fiance needs to work on his insecurities on his own. It is not your responsibility to convince him of anything. I would recommend that yu do not marry him until he gets this issue straightened out because I guarantee you that it will never stop, only get worse. He should never take your phone, punish you for talking to a friend or any of the other immature things you say he has done. This is a major red flag and could lead to worse behaviors in the future. It's a shame that the counselor did not work out, but perhaps alcohol is an influential factor in his behavior as well. It isn't for me to say, you only mentioned his drunkenness one time, but it should also be in the back of your head that this is also a potential problem.
When you say " what can I do to help his insecurities?" the answer is nothing. YOU can't do anything. This is HIS problem. You should not have to adjust your lifestyle for him if you are doing nothing wrong. I would hold off on any wedding plans for now until you determine if he is capable of having a mature relationship, as he is not acting like it right now. This can be a very dangerous road to go down and I'm glad you do have some weariness about it, as it is warranted. You should be able to maintain some level of independence in a relationship, it is healthy. Be who you are and perhaps look for a different counselor to try again. I always recommend finding a male counselor when it is the man having the issues because a lot of times people feel it is a battle of the sexes in the counseling room. Having a man be able to talk to him, he will have more respect for him and what he has to say instead of feeling as if 2 women are ganging up on him.
You should not run away screaming if you do love him, but you can't be jumping through all of his hoops either. Put this on him, tell him he needs to fix it or else you need to move on. Stand your ground. Tell him you will support him to the point of him finding help, but you will not live like this wondering what he will accuse you of next. Be careful and be yourself.
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