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One day my exhusband is saying that we had a bad marriage,the

next day he says he...
One day my exhusband is saying that we had a bad marriage,the next day he says he loves me.The following day he said that it would be very hard for our child to share us eith someone alse.What does
he want or mean by that?
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Answered in 20 minutes by:
8/14/2013
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hello. One thing to realize as far as the difference between men and women is that men very rarely have a secret meaning behind things they say. They tend to be more direct and in the moment than women are. He is probably still dealing with some of the emotional issues that remain from the divorce, regardless of how long ago the divorce happened or the nature of which it did happen. I would say that it is possible for him to still have loving feelings for you AND think that you had a bad marriage. There are many factors in a marriage other than love. You can love someone and still not be able to communicate with them or get along with them on some major subjects. As far as saying it would be hard for your child to "share", I would say he is just mulling over the possibilities of you or he meeting someone else and the child having to deal with a stranger entering into their life. Of course these things can work out quite well, or it could be a complete disaster depending on how the adults involved handle the entire scenario. I think your ex is having some unresolved issues with the divorce that he has to work out on his own. I'm guessing this is an entirely new situation for him to learn how to sort out and he isn't certain how to deal with the multitude of emotions he is feeling one day after the next. Even if he was the one who might have initiated the divorce or was at fault in some way, those emotions can be dramatic for anyone involved. I think also by saying it would be difficult for the child to share, he is showing a little insecurity with the thought of you being with someone else. He may just be using your child as a mask for his own jealousy of that thought.
Getting a divorce can be liberating for some, an emotional catastrophe for others and everything in between. He is just finding his way through all of this. Try not to take things too serious that he says.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
We were divorced 1 year ago and I filed for divorce because he was loud and could not control his anger.Today he also asked me how he l looks.I told him that it doesnot matter to me, but he looks okey.He also said if I like how he looks,someone will like it too.I

I also told him that I miss the man I married not ehen he was loud in the marriage.He sais,he is the same
He said, I changed him.I told him people change themselves.He aldo said I will not have any other man.So,to continue with my previous questio e
what shoul I do,ignore him or hoe I can get him back?
I would be concerned with the fact that he said you will not have another man. Is this a control issue with him? Men who are loud and have anger control issues who also say that their wives changed them are a bit of a red flag to deal with. I would be very weary if I were you about him. I think you divorced him for a reason and those reasons still exist. I don't think you should ignore him, when you have a child involved, but I also wouldn't be thinking about taking him back at this time. It does not sound as though he is interested in becoming a better person. You need to just worry about being able to be a friend to him and be on good terms for the sake of your child and that fact only. You need to be a strong, independent person right now and be able to handle yourself. He is having a hard time with all of this, but it is not your responsibility to make sure his feelings are appeased and he is happy. That is not your problem anymore. Just work on having a mutual level relationship where you can talk to each other but leave it at that. Eventually, the feelings on both sides will change and you can better evaluate what is going on with him, but for right now, just concentrate on yourself and your own goals and your child.
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Dr. Paige, Psychologist
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Yesterday my exhusband and I took our daughter to den tist. My ex seemed to be very happy that I went with them in a car.He said that I am his dear guest and was very nice.At the doctor, he was telling me that he is scared to byhimself in his apartment.He said that if he is not feeling good or dies noone will find out.He mentioned that our daughter at times does not pick up or I am una ailable.I told him that he can always leave a message.Then,he was mentionig how some restaurants are not that great and he could take me to better ones.Meanwhile, he was showing me different pictures and showed me that there is the dating s address on his face book page.Later,that day as we drove back he,he said said that other families spend time together .I am confused what is he trying to do,what does he want?
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I wrote a did not get a response back,how soon should I expect it ?
Hello. I think he is telling you the truth about being lonely, but he most likely isn't willing to change the controlling behavior which lead you to leave him in the first place. I think he is wanting you to still be close to him, perhaps to he can keep an eye on you and what you do. If he is feeling badly about how things turned out and he wants to change for you, then let him work for it and show you that he can be a better man. You need to not worry so much about what HE wants as what you want. Are you happier without him? Are you learning to live your live without him controlling you? I think it would be way too soon for you to consider taking him back on any level other than casual dating. If that's what you want to do with him, that's fine, but you need to give him a lot of time to prove to you what he is looking for.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I do miss him. What about him showing me that he had the link to dating site:match.com. Why is he doing it?
He is trying to get you jealous, that's all.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Yesterday my exhusband had a birtday.So my daughter and I bought him a present.Later,his parents drove her to his house.She spent the night there.Today my ex brought her back and was calling me his dear and
asked me to kiss him as part of birtday present.I said,it is not appropriate because we are divorced.He said that I bought him a present because I care,I said that I respect him because he is my daughter's father.So, he
also wanted to hug me,I told him to stop.I said that don't want to be treated as peace if meat only.In conversation I also said that I have to lo
look good and take care of myself.I said, Iam not going to be along.After
he left,he was calling me,but I did not pick up.So,he called my daugter and U haf to talk yo him.He said that he was offended when I said he deanot treat me nicely.He asked how I want to be treated.He said he wooriesbout me and wishes someone I date would know me as well
What is he trying to tell me,Did he get nervous when I said I don't want to along.What should I tell him or do?will it help not to pick up phone?
He is having some serious issues with the divorce and seems to be in denial about it all. I would try your best to keep communication with him to a minimum and only when dealing with your daughter. Explain to him that he needs to understand that this is his new life now and he needs to move on. I don't know if you have any official or legal agreements with your daughter and his part of custody, but I would keep contact to a minimum or not at all until he can act appropriately.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Today my ex came and asked me why I am not attending singles nights at different places.I asked him if he had any luck. He said he never went because he is busy working.He also said that women now are only interested in money.I told him that not all,that I would care about person.Then we had a conversation.He told me thathe feefls feeflonlely I said I feel lonely to.So,I told him that I offered him a few times already for us to work things out.I told him I am not a doll that he can play and put in the box.He said he loves and respects me,but he drrroes not see us together.I said then it was the last conversation related to the topic of us working things out.I told him that I will start actively searching right now.I also said tbat I am going on date tomorrow ,which is true.He sais that he talked to couple of women and they were not interested when heard that he had a child.I told him that thouse are all excuses,if he wanted to find time to date,he would.I also asked a about dating sites that he is on.He said he does not use them.And he can't date because he is busy working or spending time with our daughter.He had tears in his eyes when I told hi
that I eill date and will not be along.I am trying to understand what does he want? Is he ready to move on? Whatd does he want fromdme I do me?What should I do? Our daughter was also upset to hear about my tomorrows date.
He is not ready to move on. He may or may not actually think that women are only interested in money, he probably just said that to get your reaction. What he wants from you is for you to come back to him. You need to remember your marriage and how he treated you and the reasons for the divorce. Ask yourself if you would ever take him back, what would have to change in order for that to happen. What if he got help for his anger management? Would you consider working things out with him? You need to make a decision on what YOU want. If he did want to work on things, is this something you would be open to? If the answer is yes, that is the path you need to go down. If the answer is no, then you need to shut the door on him so you both are able to move on.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I started going to psychologist and he went there with me once . I wanted to work things out,and still willing to do that.He said that he dowsnot need a psychologist.What should I do?I am willing to work on our relationship.But he said that he loves me,but does not see us together.When I told him that I am going to date there were tears in his eys.He then was calling me.When he says he does not see us together,does he really mean it,what does he want?Pkus on the top if it his mother has a big negative influence on him.What should or can I do in this situation?
YOu need to understand that he is not your responsibility. YOU are. YOU have to make a decision and then stick with it. He has to learn to live with your decision, end of story. The one thing you said that he said is very concerning to me, his attitude about that he did not want to see you with anyone else. He still sees you as a possession. HIS possession. In my opinion, I think you need to cut all ties with him that does not directly involve your daughter. Don't let his tears and emotions effect you. He is hoping to get to you in some way. You need to remain strong and think for yourself and your daughter and not him. He is not your problem. His problems are not yours anymore. YOu need to make a decision for your future and what is best for you and your daughter and stick with it. I think you need to not talk with him, do any activities or events with him which do not involve your child and him doing what a father needs to do to be responsible.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Yes,I only talk yo him about things that are related to our daugter.When he says he doesnot see us together does he really mean it?Could there be a possibility that he will see a psychologist?
If he wants to work things out and if he wants anything bad enough, he will do what it takes to make it happen. If that's what you really want, make sure he knows your stance that he must get some level of help before you would think about dating him again.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
But he says he does not see us together,what does he mean ?When he said he does not want to see psychologist,what can change his mind?
I think he is just saying that to get a reaction from you. I think he is saying he knows you won't take him back because he is unwilling to put in the work. If you stand your ground and don't speak with him and it makes him want to be with you enough, he will seek help.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
My ex asked me to tell him how my tomorrows date will go.Should I tell him that it is not his buisness?Will it make him jelous? Could it help him to want me even more? What should I tell my daughter about the date because she may report back to my ex
Is it a good idea to see other people,will it make him be willong to seek help from psychologist?
I would say to tell him it isn't his business, but with your daughter being a potential news bringer, I would keep it neutral and with as little details as possible. It also depends how the date actually goes. Even if it's bad and the guy ends up being someone you don't want to see again, I would just say it went good and you haven't decided if you will see him again or not and leave it at that. If he is a great guy, things click and you want to see him again, I would all so say the date went well and you may see him again. Just keep it simple.
It can be good to see other people if that is what you want to do. Some people like to be alone for a long time after a divorce to "reset" and get to know themselves better. Some people kind dating fun, while others loathe the idea of it. You need to do what makes you happy.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I don't really want to date anyone,but I wan my ex to get jelous.Will he get scared that he may lose me,might it help him to be willing to work on our relationship?Is it a good idea not to pick the phone when he calls me?But then he calls my daughter and askes her to give me the phone
You need to explain to your daughter the situation and that you don't want to talk with him. She should tell him this when he calls.
Your idea of making him jealous and forcing him into getting help MAY work, it may not. It depends on the individual. The important things are for you and your daughter to stay safe first of all, (you had said he has some control/anger issues that you want to make sure are not getting to the point where it could be dangerous) and that you are happy, or at least doing things to progress your state of happiness. If you do decide to give your ex a second chance, remember that there are all levels of relationships and you don't need to jump right back into things the way they were. If you want to go on dates with him for awhile, that is probably the best thing you can do. I certainly would keep things slow and at a minimum, IF that is the path you will eventually take with him. even if he doesn't get help from a professional, he can take some steps on his own to change his behavior.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Can you please clatify what should I tell my daughter why I don't want to talk to my ex?How much time should I give it? How can I transition into spending time with him?Is it o'key that I told him when he calls me to leave a message for thr reason of his call and only then I will decide whether to him back or not?
I can't remember if you had said how old your daughter was. If she is 14 or older, I would tell her that you are trying to move on with your life and that he has been acting badly towards you and you think that he also needs to move on with your life. YOu know your daughter and I do not, so you should be able to find something appropriate to tell her based on her age and personality.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Before I went on the date my ex sent me a quote"If you really love somebody,you have to be prepared to set them free.Is he trying for me to feel guilty?
I think so. He probably means that he wants you go see what is out there for dating prospects, hoping you will come back to him. I think he still has the attitude that there is no one better for you than him. The part you should be concerned about is that I think he thinks he treated you very well and he doesn't have a full understanding how his control and anger issues effected you.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I agree 100%.He thinks that he treated me very well.I was trying to tell and remind him how he was screaming,was in a bad mood most of the time ,every little problem or issue was a big deal.How should I mahe him understand that part of the problem was his inability to deal with problems?He did not know how to handle our daughter(she is 12on now)I apologized to him that I was not always right at times I was disrespectful. But how can understand that he has issues ad well?
All you can really do is tell him. If he is in denial, there isn't much you can do about that. It's not your responsibility anymore. It's his. He needs to either understand reality or not. He seems to have difficulty facing things as they really are and you can't have any control over that. You shouldn't stress yourself worrying about things you can't control. YOu are free from that now.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
My ex will come over tomorrow to spend time with our daught er.How should I act around him ? There is parents night tomorrow in my daughters school,is it ok for my ex and I drive together because wr kund of discussed it before? What if he calls me tomorrow during the day to atell me that he is pi cking up our child from school,should I answer phone or no?
You should act in a way which makes you feel comfortable and confident. If you want to drive with him to parents night, then do it, if you don't want to, then don't. If he is calling about your child, you should talk to him about anything related to her that effects her.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
How would I differentiate between my ex's phone calls about our daughter and just phone calls to me?If I am not picking up the phone when he is calling?What should I tell him why I am not talking to him ?
You need to tell him exactly that you will speak with him about issues involving your daughter and have a normal conversation with him, but you will not talk about anything which makes you uncomfortable, such as subjects involving your relationship. Explain to him that you want to move on and he needs to move on and unless he is open to getting some help for the issues which caused the divorce, that you will not be open to any kind of reconciliation as far as the relationship is concerned.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
My ex came today to spend time with our daughter.However,he seemed to want to spend time with meHe kept on asking about my date and I told him that it should not concern him at all.I told him that since in that quote he "set me free,I should take advantage of my freedom.He kept on repeating more than 7 times that he is the best and I will not find anyone better.I told him that it is his eishful thinking.Every time my phone was ringing,he kept on asking who it eas.How should I act around him?Should I not pick the ohone when he calls me? Should I let him know somehow to make him realize that he is losing me? What should I do?
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
My ex came today to spend time with our daughter. Howe ver,he seemed to want to spend time with me.He kept on asking about the date that I had on Sunday.I told him that it should not concer him at all.I said that since in the quote"he set me free" I should take advantage of my freedom.Then he kept on repeating more rhan 7 times
that he is the best and I will not find anyone better than him.He said I can go on 5chto different dates and see that everyone only wants 1 thing.I told
him that it is a wishful thinking.Every time my phone was ringing he kept on asking who it was.What should I do,not to pick up phone when he calls?Should I make him realize somehow that he is losing me?What should I do?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Basically,according to legal arrangement he sees her 2to time s a week and he follows the given s chedule.He never comes on different days.When he comes,he is respectful.How long might it take for him to realize that he needs me even more and be open to see a psychologist?Do tou think it is possible?Are there other options?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
What if I will not pick the phone and keep converstatons only about our daughter? Might he change with time or no? What if he sees that I have my life and moving on,may there is be any chance for us to have a right start? What do you think does he want us to be together?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Hello.I had a question about my ex husband's mom.He is the only child who mostly spend or probably li ved with his grandmother until he wad 6-7.His mom was always busy and spend no time with him.She eas and still is very cold,jugemental.She always imposes her opinionsShe has a huge influence on my ex.Can his attitudes have something to do with his personality and how he acts? His mom hates me becausr I have my own mind
.Can I do anything on this situation?How if possible for him to distant himself from her?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
So,I really want to follow your advice.To clarify,I will concentrate on the following:not talking to him on the phone unless it a concerns our daughter,when he comes I should leave right away?When he askd questions that are not his buiseness, I should ignore them or tell hi
it is not hi s buiseness?When he comes,I should not have any conversations,or how should I act? I am just trying to understand it better,so I can implement it.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
If I will follow what you suggested is there s chance for him to change and seek help?What do you think, how long might it take?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Is it a good thing that my ex has not been calling on my phone for 3 days? Does it mean that he is thinking about what is happening ot buying time? Or there is something alse on his mind?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
But he called our daughter e
yesterday.So,you think that he has no plan in mind?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
When he comes tomorrow, should I leave the house right away,hoe should I act?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
No,I don't feel threatened by him at all.I was just asking how to act around him because I don't want to give him impression that I need or miss him. What do you think?Should I pick the phone when he is eith our daughter and calling me?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Before coming he called me,but I did not pick the phone.Then he called our daughter and asked to talk to me.It was about weather snd sticker on the car.I told him that he could of told me that when he came.He was nice when he came.Then I asked if he could pay half for our daughter's dance class.He said to tell my boyfriend to pay gor it.I said thversation is over snd I am not discussing it with him.Did I do thr right thing?Does he feel jelaus? How should I act when he brings her back?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Might this situation make him change,or be afraid of losing me? I still love him.

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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
What will make him change?
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
What specifically wil make him change,if anything?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
During the day yesterday my ex spend the day with our daughter,they went to carnival.Later,she wanted to stay there for the evening concert.I drove there.My ex came out and helped meto park car.It was very crowed and I ask for help He was happy to help,but asked why my boyfriend is not parking my car.I ignored him completelyThen,we walked where my. daughter was waiting
.He walked me there and said that day I spend eith one man with the other.I ignored him completely.He then told me to be careful because we were passing by lots of cars.He asked me to hold his hand.I justed touched it and pulled away.Then we got to where our daughter was sitting,he stayed couple of minutes and left.I did not talk to him about anything,only daughter related.Today he called,Ihe feeli.g did not pick phone.Is he scared of losing me? Or is he just been jelaus? How should I act now?
.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
So,when he calls,I shouldn't pick up the phone?When he asks why what should I tell him?
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I have a question about my daughter.She is very smart,but has extremely strong persanality and likes things her way.She is 12very and the only child.She is selfish and likes to be entartained and she is used to getting her way.I do talk to her about helping others
She loves to help in school community loves pets but at home she does not do much and most of time expects of getting what she want.How would I talk to her or what eould I do for her to be more considerate of my needs and helpfull as well? I tried praising her,but it only works for a short while
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
What do you suggest I do and how would I help my daughter?
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
What do you suggest I do and how do I help my daughter?
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Can I continue with dr.Paige only? She is great.
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Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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