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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I am having trouble accepting my GFs sexual past. She is a

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I am having trouble accepting my GF's sexual past. She is a wonderful lady (31) and I love her (7 months together, Known each other 14 months)...She told me she lost her virginity at 19 when a friend of a friend entered her while she was asleep at a friend's house, she told no one. She was gang raped by 4 men a few months later, she then entered a relationship where it ended with her being raped again and beaten...all of this in the same year. Since then she took on relationships where she says she was never in love but but cared for her lovers. She felt she needed to have sex to feel normal, and never felt in love. Her last relationship before me was a five year one where she says she never loved him but still had sex. In our relationship we have constant sex which she says she has never done and that she does love me.
She often doesn't notice when she drops comments about her past lovers and has recently shared details about the rapes. Now I am a mess and I can't have sex with her because I feel angry about the images in my head, and wonder why she has never told anyone and why she has been raped so many times. I am having trouble getting images out of my head of her meeting men in hotels and trying positions with her old boyfriends.
At our first sexual encounter she looked at me and said "OOOH! I see you are not as long as other guys but a little wider!" I almost ran out when she did this....I have only had sex with one other woman and it wasn't that great of a time. How do I regain my sanity....?
Hello. You are going to have to have an honest conversation with her about these things and how it makes you feel. Explain to her how you can't get these images out of your head and you feel sorry for her past, are happy that she feels comfortable enough with you to share thee intimate details of her past, but you are having a difficult time coping. You need to be open and honest with her about this. All of these incidences are very serious and should not be taXXXXX XXXXXghtly by you or by her. I would also highly recommend counseling for her especially, but couples therapy for both of you to try to learn what is the best way getting through this together. She should not expect you to just accept these things and just be normal in an every day relationship. She should realize how serious her past is and how it effects her present and future, especially the person she is with.
Be honest. It's the only way you can face all of these realities. She should be understanding of your concerns.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

we have had the conversation....I told her I needed to process this...and we have stopped having sex because the emotions are powerful in my head.

She said she felt like I was judging her for having sex with other men and that she had tried counseling but felt it was better to move-on with life and put it in her past....and not talk about or remember it. She thinks its not that serious. How do I introduce couples therapy?

You have every right to have time to process this and take the time you need. It's ok that this isn't ok with you and don't feel bad that it isn't easy for you to accept. While I agree that it is best for her put put it in her past, I don't agree with that she should try not to talk about it or remember it. That is how we succeed in facing it and moving on. It is very serious. For her to think otherwise is a bit of a concern.
I would first do a little bit of research in your local area to see what is available to you for couples therapy. Look online for references and opinions of others. I would suggest that you find a female counselor, as your girlfriend might be more comfortable and open. I would ask your girlfriend if she would please go with you to one session and see how she feels about it. Don't pressure her for a long term commitment for it right now. Just explain to her how you feel about her and that you want to do this for YOU, but want her there to support you and the relationship. That way, she won't feel like it's all about her.
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