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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I started a relationship with a man last October, who was separated

Customer Question

I started a relationship with a man last October, who was separated and finalizing his divorce. After his ex found out he had moved on, she blamed me for their divorce and have told their children that he was cheating, even though she was the one who filed for divorce in 2011. After trying to salvage the marriage, he moved out in June 2012. We began spending time together in October 2012. Which is quite fast, being that he just moved out in June of the same year, but that is what happened. At the time, I did not realize how long it would take to finalize the divorce. I also didn't understand that for the children, he had just moved out four months before we began spending time together.

Their mother tells the children, that we are having an affair despite the fact that they live separately. So, now their daughters refuse to spend time with their father. They have told him that if he broke it off with me they would spend time with him.

Now that we are at this point and the divorce was just finalized. How can we continue the relationship and be fair to the children. We have talked about the weeks he has the children, I stay in my own place for one year. So, they do not feel as though they are being forced to get to know me or include me or my son. After that first year, we would like to start to plan activities for all of us to be included. I know it is a work in progress and will take much time. But, we do not know what else to do. If I am around, they refuse to spend time with their father. They say that I ruined their lives.

Already Tried:
I have tried to help their father with planning dinner and spending time together. But, when they find out I am involved they just close off completely, even if I am not there. Even if I just help make dinner and leave or help pick out a gift for them with him, they do not want to be a part of it. We have been able to spend time with his youngest daughter 6 years old for a couple hours, but that stopped to. Everything has backfired. They now say horrible things about me.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

The ex-wife has certainly backed you into a corner. She has poisoned her children's minds and is actually trying to ruin HIS life and yours.

You must find another party to intercede and meet with your boyfriend and the girls.

Such a person could be: a family counselor, a priest, a wise family member (his mother or aunt) with whom they are close), or other close friend that they can trust.

They can be talked to and shown that their father did nothing wrong, and that it is their mother who has ended the marriage. They can be made to understand that it was their father who was abandoned and hurt very badly and did not want to end the marriage.

It must be emphasized that sometimes marriages break up and that they have to continue to love their moms and dads.

You should not have to hide your love for each other and sneak about as if you are cheating. For now you have either to do that, or limit or terminate the relationship (bad idea) or work with the children to change their attitudes.

Let me recommend some books for the girls that may also help. They are recommended by professionals and you can get them by mail from the UK.

It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce (Lansky, Vicki... by Vicki Lansky and Jane Prince



Two Homes by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton

Help Your Children Cope With Your Divorce: A Relate Guide by Paula Hall


I Don't Want to Talk About It: A Story of Divorce for Young Children by Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney



Como Crecer Por el Divorcio: Guia Practica Para Sobreponerse A un Divorcio = Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke


Nina Tiene Dos Hogares by MSc, LMHC, Danielle Jacobs




Vendiendo Fuera de lo Acostumbrado: Ideas Creativas Para Ayudarle a Hacer Mas Ventas by Bob Boog and Roxana Boog


I hope that this helps and I shall keep all of you in my prayers for a sensible solution to this problem.


Warm regards,