I have written off sexual attraction to my now husband since
our first kiss over 11...
I have written off sexual attraction to my now husband since our first kiss over 11 years ago, believing strongly that relationships between people who respect each other and are largely compatible will develop into something more important than physical desire.
At the time I was 21, recently (at the time I believed temporarily) dropped out from university and struggling with a difficult and aggressive divorce between parents with an emotionally volatile relationship, who ultimately took 6 years to finally divorce while sharing the marital home while my father conducted a secret affair - this resulted in a son we found out about 18 months after he was born.
With hindsight I feel I was looking for emotional support and stability and this presented itself in the form of a slightly older man who is and was a wonderful, caring and kind person.
In the back of my mind I think I believed the relationship would be only temporary, as dispite his wonderful qualities there has never been sexual attraction or a feeling of chemistry on my part.
I would feel terribly guilty about this while convincing myself that maybe this is what real, true love is infact built upon.
The idea of growing old with someone like him seemed like the more mature way of building a secure and fulfilling relationship, where 'silly' teenage attractions for someone on a physical level would grow over time through a deeper, more emotional connection.
I am not naive, I do not believe that any relationship can sustain the (often destructive) physical infatuation experienced at the start and often between lovers with a low level of actual compatibility, but my concerns now, 11 years later, are that I am generally unfulfilled and unhappy within my marriage as a whole.
We added many (again naive and hopefully optimistic these would help deepen the relationship to a level the physical side would finally develop) events to our lives 5 years ago which unfortunately have revealed a general level of incompatibility where our life styles and wants are concerned:
After two years of his asking me, I agreed to his requests to try and start a family as he strongly believed (and I wanted to believe) that it would be a wonderful and life long adventure. Because at that time our lives and drivers were muh more similar, I truly believed he was the love of my life but that sex didn't matter in the long run - it would come like I had heard from so many older couples and a very small group of friends who have contact with people in arranged marriages.
We decided to relocate to his home country of Norway (from a UK city) but the job he wanted was based in an extremely rural area near his large family on the West Coast. Our discussions over the previous years were to relocate to a city so the transition would not be so hard, but unforeseen circumstances with his employers meant we moved with considerably less capital than expected so mutually decided the best route would be to locate to a cheaper rural location near his parents and siblings.
That was five years ago, in that time we have experienced many stressors such as my leaving my career and excellent job to move to Norway during my maternity period, our wedding in London shortly before we left, moving in with a parent in law for 10 months while we had our beautiful daughter, finding and renovating our first home while caring for a 6 month old, learning a new language, realizing the loss of family friends and my usual support network during such a key time, developing what I now consider to have been post natal depression, which in turn resulted in a negative transition in the dynamic of the relationship between my husband and I; he believes in tough love and (has admitted since was a bad thing to do) would tell me I had changed from an ambitious, capable and very social person who could do anything to one he was actually disappointed in, struggling to cook meals, shower and take care of our baby. I found the whole experience to be somewhat traumatic and had periods of feeling like Inwasn't properly awake, unable to focus and constantly feeling I was failing at all the wonderful opportunities and support for a new life I had been given by my husband (and his very loving and supportive family).
I have been very lucky and most of our friends (not all, some have voiced concerns for me including my immediate family) believe we are 'living the dream'.
Despite a hectic return to work once my daughter was nearly 2, which involved a 150km daily commute, followed by my giving up the contract to try to help what I believed at the time was long term depression causing a lack of libido and continued disinterest in sex, even kissing my husband, resulting in 8 months of unemployment - I now have a good, well paid job and am flourishing finally. I have had to admit to my husband I do not want any more children and that I am concerned I do not love him in the right way. We have a great family but am I wrong to