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I have read books on trial separations that both party agrees

on an a set of...
I have read books on trial separations that both party agrees on an a set of rules and then a time to get back together..I forgot the name of the book...has this worked in your opinion
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7/29/2013
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
The name of the book could be. Should I Stay or Go; How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.

I do believe this can work, but there are many issues here going on within your marriage and I believe before you try this, that you both get into therpay together and him into treatment for his alcoholism. I do not believe that just having space in the marriage will allow these issues to be looked at, worked on and healed. You both need some additional support to get help with these issues.

Forgiving yourself for your infidelity....use it as a way to understand your feelings of loneliness and desire. Let me know if you have had therapy together and separately and also if you have gone to any al anon support groups for yourself.
TherapistJen
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Let me know if you have had therapy together and separately and also if you have gone to any al anon support groups for yourself.


 


Myself....I have talked to Coach Bob Lance and Ursula Mentjes as well as Margorie Geiser. With Ursula I was at a her seminar and at noon my husband showed up with crazy eyes telling Ursula and loud enough for group about my infidelety...he actually had the babysitter lie to me get me in the house and snuck into the back of my SUV and quietly stayed there until noon ( aXXXXXto boot) and Ursula had mentored with a marriage and family counselor in the building of our 3 day seminar and had her have an emergency session with us....


Been so embarrassed never went back to another event with Ursula and I really liked her systems!


After a Tony Robbins event I attended I got bold enough to venture off sort of speak and "change my life" but just needed more guidance on how I did it....if you know what I mean.....for long time I was such a "terrible person for doing what I did...but he has had this behavior since 1992 or 1994 not sure exactly the 1st year....but myself 2008 I started seeking out someone....a few people in mind that might be a good replacement..(crazy time is all I can call it, it was my logic at the time...not now) so the search went on with the internet to look for some one that had a crush on me in my school years and I found that person...we started talking...on the phone....a few internet messages...mainly phone calls and reminising...hubby saw a few texts of the two of us talking about eventually meeting.


He went overboard.....all the years I never told a single friend about his infidelity and he felt the right to call my family my grandma friends that I was having an affair....I had not even seen or met with this man yet that I found online....but he told the world what i did and took off to mexico..while he was gone he took my cell phone and keys so I would not have them....my logic again crazy time was to beg him to come back via text and voice messages I activated another phone,my sister came to comfort me, she let me borrow her car I went looking for him at his family's house then, Crazy thought..hell i thought everyone already thinks I am guilty so I called this man and said I really want to see him...it was father's day, he only about 15 minutes from where i went to look for my husband at his brother's house, the man was at a friend's bbq with his son and was so excited even after 20+ of not seeing me invited me to his friends BBQ and that was the 1st time I saw him...me and my hubby dont even have mutual friends and there I was with this guy at a BBQ for father's day....


this is all behind us sort of...but just last month I found a cell phone...in hubby's room as he lay asleep drunk and passed out... I looked at it and let it go since our relationship had been going so smooth......I ignored the phone....me and my fairy tale did not want to be disturbed


I discussed his drunkness.... he said he knows he needs help plz buy him books...he thought i knew about the "phone" hence the women" I did not I just let it go got him 3 books he really seemd to like one being break the chain it has blue beads on the cover...so all was well everyday he would thank me for the books...blah blah blah they really helped and I was "happy, choosing to be "happy!" then our friend and veteran boarder/ handyman/ groundskeeper asked me for some books and I look in hubby's work trailer. wallah phone and condom package right on the shelf...one condom missing....I never go into the trailer...but he hid them supposedly never to use the phone again...apologized profusely said he thought that's why i got him the books....not sure how much more drama i am going to accept or allow. before I wake up, I choose to be happy in my sick fairy tale i cannot be sad...but each time i say never again and again happens... I guess if he was a "jerk" or mean or a bad father it would be easy.....but it seems so complicated...for almost 17 years that this has been going on none of my friends or family knew my pain...that feeling for being cheated on...I remember a each morning i would awake before or with hubby at dawn and prepare his lunch his oatmeal or hot coffee etc..se him off to work...prepare myself for the day...my daycare kids arrived....it was a cold morning...I went to warm up the car only to find a sweet scent of perfume..overpowering my senses of my already fragile state of 7 months pregnant and going over every inch of the front and back seat and finding the corner edge of a a condom package...going into the house trying hold myself together...as kids are finishing up their cereal or whatever their breakfast for the moring happened to be....rounding them all up making sure shoes where tied jackets on....and piling into the car...as we did every morning,,,but this morning the drive was unbearable as much as I wanted to talk to my kids...making sure I prepared them for a good day all I could do was make sure they where warm and comfortable as we drove and the sweet smell of perfumed heightened my senses and only quiet tears fills my eyes and no sound or words could part from my lips....those are my memories dear coach...I have photo albums filled with them...I am smiling in fotos and he is off in another world ....how could i be so blind....why does he say he wants to stay together my memories are painful where his are different....i wanted to believe...I am sure my story is one sided...but I have many one sided stories just like this.....if I show u his letters they are beautiful....his apologies are graceful...but now he says if I want him to leave he will....in fact he was about to quietly leave last night...he actually did.....but i said in a text i need a cup of coffee to stay awake for studying for my exam and help with the kids....and he brought me a coffee....from starbucks although a convenience store coffee would have sufficed


there is about 20yrs of stories...my own infidelity was in 2008 then thru the separation i kept seeing that other man until I came to conclusion he was NOT the kind of man for me....But if he had been I wonder if I would have just stayed, he has called a few times but I am not interested in anything but seeing if this can be fixed...even if it can't be fixed i really would love to be alone and focus on the kids...I believe with all my fairy tale heart that there is a good man inside my husband...I see it....I want to give it a BIG LAST FINAL shot....and then I really know and feel that I am DONE once and for all and I really think he knows it....but this final shot has to be thru therapy....it may take a while but as long as it is continuous I will stay in the game sort of speak.....oh gosh I am too tired to read thru my novel and correct it...for that I apologize.... I need to start with my day...


Thank you...just writing this morning felt good...but also makes me want to call this thing called a relationship over remebering all the hurt times

I need to say how moved I am by your emotions.....Writing is cathartic and I can see how it is for you as well. I hear your hurt, your pain, your anguish and also your desire. You are very clear on your fantasy around the marriage, but I do hear the desire to still work on it. The only way is couples therapy!

 

On a separate note....have you thought about writing this novel? May sound a bit crazy, but you emote and write beautifully and that may be just what you need to see it all clearly. You can write it under a pseudonym and self publish it and maybe even help some others along the way to find themselves, as you find yourself.

 

I am here whenever you need.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

thx so kindly for your response, r u allowed to recommend a counselor? We are willing to drive anywhere in So Cal


Sealed I would not know how to go about writing...just have many journals from years past...nothing recent as it hurts too much to write and when I write the more angry ~ish I get at how ridiculous and lack of better words stupid i have been to allow all this for so many many years....but I do love people and if u think my story would inspire or somehow help someone....I don't know how, but even a single person,and not sure how but relying on your expertise...I would be willing to give it a shot to somehow somewhere help someone....if my writing could do that :-)

I will be back in my office in a bit and will write more then. In the meantime provide me with your zip code so I Can begin a search for a therapist for you.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

91709

XXXXX XXXXX is a marriage and family therapist and specializes in many of the issues you are facing. You can find her here. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=95504&sid=1375127660.3726_15591&zipcode=91709&spec=296&tr=ResultsName&trow=3&ttot=41

 

And one more. Dr. Robert Puff. I am giving you a male and a female to choose from. I would call both and see how you feel. http://www.doctorpuff.com/

 

In terms of you writing, I want you to know how moved I was. My first desire would be for you to get things set for yourself and then we can always talk about your writing....most important....if you think you cannot write, that is not the case. You write beautifully. You can also find me at:

https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/147

 

My name is XXXXX XXXXX well and it works in conjunction with this platform here. You can learn more about it here. http://bit.ly/1ackvjC

 

I do want you both to get into therapy there but wanted to provide my info if you need that extra support. Thank you for the wonderful ratings as well. I appreciate it.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I think I like Dr. Puff..although Anderson is in my area, do u know either one of them personally?

I don't know either one of them personally. I do believe a call to both of them to get a feel for the connection is a great way to go. Either way, the goal is to get in, so it is up to you how you feel. Go with your instinct! :-)
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I just want to double check you received a bonus I apologize it is so small...but I had asked another question and wanted to make sure bonus went to u..funny the rep must have been in the Philipines she was calling you JenK with a "k" sound when I am sure K is your initial and Jen is short for your full name...it was funny....Jenk...LOL May I call you Jenk just kidding!


Talk to you soon.... I will get back to you in a few days. I like working with you. Were u familiar with the coaches I mentioned? Bob Lancer or Ursula Mentjes? Marjorie is a doll, I wanted to do coaching with her but opted for specialized coaching in my field with Joe Stumpf with By Referral Only.


I am a Realtor ShahlaSells and I am a preferred agent on Movoto and need to add to my Zillow with testimonials....and linked in


I have 3 sons and need to clean up my online presenee with branding etc.


My youngest is 8 now so it frees my time except he has been asking me since kindergarten to home school him....I am on the fence...how I would love to spend that time with him....it is odd sometimes he cries out of the blue telling me he doesnt want me to die...I love to write more...but I need to study for my exam tmw.....contractor's license....I just want to be happy and surround myself with happy positive people...I tell me kids at least inside these walls we can feel happy no need to fight hurt feelings there can be enough of that outside but inside our home and together time we work on being nice and kind to our family....I am the oldest and my brother and sister are only 2 years apart and 11 and 13 yrs apart from me...My mom would let them literally beat each other but I was moved out by then living in Atlanta then back to Cali. anyhow I never wanted my children to grow up resentful of each other...sometimes my oldest tries to dicipline his brothers...I dont mind if it is gentle...but when anger comes across I immediately nip it in the BUTT....okay...sorry I guess I havent journaled in many years,,,and using u as an outlet...but I want to become a better person...and it is nice u seem to believe in me as I have recenty started to believe in myself again and take charge in my career and becoming successful and trusted and trying to bring ethics back into a seemingly ethic~less profession...I went to a meeting and Real estate agents were way down there right above lawyers of people to trust...LOL


Have a great evening!


 

That is funny about the Jenk. Thanks for a great laugh. I did receive the bonus and I appreciate it very much as well as our work together. you are a delight to work with as well. I am here when you need or on etherapi as I mentioned above with the link to find me there.

I do believe in you and your capabilities. I am not familiar with those coaches you mention...there are many of us out there. :-) I am interested to hear if you get into couples therapy and how it all goes. You are a great Mom to your kids and it is also important that you care for you and focus on you, your business, your life...all of you. I am here to help you do that!
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

thx


My excuse of the week....


We are focusing on getting $$ together because our sale date for our home is August 9th and hoping by them our loan modification goes thru


LOL


BUT life is full of excuses....I think we need to change our word from "excuse" to "reason" please chime in :-) with other words :-)


The reason we are taking these 2 hours out of our week or month is to seek the help we need to make sure we can cope properly whether or not our house goes to auction or or not.


So thru what ever adversity we can show our kids, life happens we did as much as we could and see what good comes out of our life challenges.


To tell u a little about myself that might sound different than most my friends....I NEVER talk about my menstrual cycle...the whole cramps thing may be true but if any pain onsets I mentally just...HMMM I don't know how to explain it, I guess if u want to know I need to what for the the next one....actually it would be something now I am curious about and something that I do but never thought about how or if someone else would be interested....LOL maybe my last rant was a hormonal thing...hmm anyways unless my doctor asks me about it....normally except now that I am thinking/writing about it I don't like to discuss it. i really believe in a hollistic approach...I think that's why I liked Dr. Puff our magic counselor..LOL poor guy has probably heard it all with his name...bless his heart and he still keeps it...I won't forget it least.... Curious to see what the Christian approach is...sometimes when Christian is the 1st thing out of the mouth u wanna run....I like to see Christian behavior or Godly behavior more than I like it preached...but I guess it need to be thrown out there if u are searching for it, u know where to look....


2. other things I don't like to talk with friends about is hubby's problems, it's his battle his "secret" sort to speak I feel like if that was my best friend and she was having a tummy tuck I don't need to shout it out to the world,


or if she was women so openly talk negatively about their partners...call them bad names, I don't get it. or don't think it's right


3. In movies women talk about bedroom talk...I have a friend that seems to want to talk about it...I just change the subject...or listen for a minute, but notice she seems to want to take turns sort of speak...my next door neighbor complains all the time...her hubby never wants to "%$#@" and she uses that word or sometimes she says "sex", she sometimes asks me if I have that problem, I just look at her, shake my head...I am sure I have some kind of look on my face ;-/ Sealed so I change the subject...once she even said "I am so horny I could jump on u Shahla" OOOKAAAY I just laughed...she I think gets I really don't want to talk about it with her....


For all those years I kept queit about my hubby...then when I did my "thing" I opened up to a few friends about it...no details as I told u..just what I did so in all fairness I explained what I had been going thru since 1990's to present...so I told both sides as much....as I could....I have lost 2 friends that can not forgive my husband......there are alot of details they could not comprehend....even like I said..the more I think about it the more I cannot believe I stayed. I think I am scared of therapy because it might be the final end to this saga...u might be knowing me well enough that I might say....that I just may think it is a grand finale to this 20 year saga....and the new joy and new beginning togther finally pays off...I am strong enough that what ever happens I am ready....I don't know how it will end, I just want to enjoy each minute of the ride as much as possible...I want to cherish each moment like a bite of the most delicious cherry, because in a moments time anything can change....we drive...we walk...freak accidents happens that I try not to think about, but with children flashes happen all the time...boys were outside having a great time playing swords with PVC pipe and I imagine terrible things...so I tell them to plz becareful of their eyes...Jennifer? How can u teach people these things? Are they teachable? Some people that fight or complain all the time...I have chosen to distance myself form these types of people...but I love them all just the same and I only want to be around people similiar to myself, but the more let's see, gracefull in age LOL I become the more I notice ( and a few very dear friend especially one says there arent too many people like us around...she says like me in particular but she is similiar to me....It sounds very conceited, but I don't mean it like that cuz I truly care and love people...just I only chose to be around people that are positive......and I feel guilty about that for some reason....is it that weird?...........I totally only wanted to tell u thank u! I need to be somewhere at 8am..it's an hour away......and here I am...hair dripping wet from the shower....another novel...LOL not what I intended.......i am going to be blocked soon...and I will understand...Have a great one!!!!!!!!!!!


I am excited today I will get the pictures photogropher took of my listing....right now it is plain..I will send it to u...I know u are not in the area..but so u can see the difference that pictures make! I will send both together...I better scadadle is that a word? hummm LOL


 

Thanks for the smiles and the laughs. I gotta tell you....I hear a woman who is so wonderful and screaming to be seen, known and heard! I see you and I want you to blossom. Keep that real estate going as that is part of taking care of you.

No excuses or reasons...each time you come up with one I want you to think to yourself that you are giving up a part of yourself when you do that. You deserve to live....just figure out what that means for you!!!

I am sure you have scadaddled by now.....I am here when you need.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,687
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Today I wanted to start by connecting with a few people I have not talked to but are special...so I wrote the following email to a very sweet past client:

Hey there you awesome gal! We are well overdue for a coffee so sorry have not kept in touch, life gets so busy and sometimes we forget to reach out to those special people and just say HI!!

Sometimes even at home with all the running around I just need to sit with the kids and play a game of connect four or color a picture, listen to a knock knock joke...life keeps moving and it is totally up to us to decide to live well enough to just STOP and smell the flowers! As cliche' as that may seem!

Take care!!

Oops is there any way to edit some past comments? or replies with my 1st name in it? My 1st name isnt too common and one has (myfirstname)SELLS which is my website, not sure how justAnswer search engine works

I think everything is public which is posted, or how does that work? :-)

Thanks JenK LOL

I giggle to myself everytime I see your name and remember the lady pronouncing it hee hee

Have a great one!

Today is a funeral of a long time family friends daughter, she was only 22 yrs old...they were laughing and joking just 3 hours before she left for work and had an anurism (NO SPELL CHECK)??the dad continues to work and I went to visit him...and I cried and he comforts me hugging me telling me plz dont cry its part of life....I know he is devastated ed but my point was to make him feel better....

Work is unique it's my cousins factory warehouse for lunch my dad brought greens from the garden with feta cheese walnuts and bread...I brought some rice and apple stew that my friend made turkish /persian dish usually made with quince. My dad also cubed some tomatoes and onions cucmbers and squeezed fressh lime and brought some chicken he grilled and 2 different rices..LOL it was a feast in the break room along with 2 avocodos and limes...so the family friend feels more at home talking persian with my cousin dad and another fellow than I guess at home where all the memories are...his wife is hispanic catholic and everyone from what i hear is giving him a hard time he doesnt want to go to the wake and I asked a friend if the have wakes in Iran and she said no NEVER so my poor family friend him and his wife have been having marriage trouble from what my mom said...my mom also works with dad and everyone

Well "oops I did it again...off subject as always...I did not plan on discussing that subject...I need to prep for the day its 544am now and need to send out follow up emails and figure out the best way to use a VA, virtual assistant and see if I wanna go that route and let go of some of the reigns! sort of speak...

Question what is the best way if u have had experience for an unorganized person to become organized...A gift that I was not blessed or born with but want it to become a part of me!

I had read the paper tiger a while back and not sure if that worked for me or if I need to revisit it again...

One thing I think I really want to try is a nice leather calendar that I physically write in...my partner keeps insisting I change my whole system of emails to outlook and totally do it online...Not sure if that's for me..she forgets alot of appointments I would love to have things penciled in amd would not mind paper and online....

okay my quick shout turned into 15 minutes of writing and thinking out loud on paper Have a great one "Jenk"...LOL

Just kidding Coach Jen, I hope u have an awesome day, shouting out to my favorite expert!

~note to self

STOP AND SMELL THE FLOWERS LISTEN TO SILLY KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, BUY A CHILDRENS JOKE BOOK AND REPEAT FUNNY JOKES TO YOUR KIDS! COLOR SOME PAGES.....JUST LISTEN AND HOLD THEM CLOSE...FOR JUST HOURS AWAY...WE COULD BE LOOKING AT THEM FOR THE LAST MOMENT ~ LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND UNPREDICTABLE SO JUST ENJOY

~note to self and to all just a reminder

okay scaddadling

Dear skedaddler,

I love the email to your past client. very warm but also important is that you are tapping into the part of you that enjoys connection with others and are reaching out to get it. Proud of that!

 

I am sorry to hear of your friends daughter. Very sad and tragic and yes that is also a great reminder to smell the roses. Okay so how is this for a silly knock knock?

Knock Knock

 

Who's there?

 

Aardvark

 

Aardvark who?

 

Aardvark a hundred miles for you to smile!

 

Okay so now back to answering some of your questions. Yes this is public so things can be seen. You can always write to customer service and ask that your question be locked for privacy reasons. If you then need to chat with me again, you would begin by asking a new question and writing for CoachJenK only at the beginning of your question so that it comes to me. This thread would be closed so you would need to start again. Make sense?

 

My personal belief about organization is that the more we focus on 'I need to be organized, the less likely it happens.' Pick a system that works for you and if it is a leather date book, then go with that. That is a great start. None of us are perfect so give yourself some slack here...

 

you are doing great and enjoy a day of skedaddling~

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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