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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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Hello me and my bf have been dating 3 months we see each other

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Hello me and my bf have been dating 3 months we see each other every weekend. And we live 2 hours away from each other. My told the other week he has to leave for 6 month cuz of a job. He said he would still see me every month. Me and my bf have been getting along great but the last few weeks. I told him wanted to spend as much time as possible together before he left. My boyfriend has a lot of friends and he is straight forward kind of guy. He won't do it unless he wants to or feels like. He told me he wants to also have a guy weekend before he leaves for 6 months. I told him that was okay with me thy he wanted that but now he has been very distant with me cuz we have been fighting. He use to kiss me hug me hold my hand and every all the time and now he doesn't. Also I he just rolls over in the bed now when I spend the night when he use to cuddle with me. I told him he hasn't shown me any affection and I told him it bothered he hasn't cuddle with me. He says its cuz he doesn't feel like it. This is just not making me happy i am an emotional person and affection and cuddling makes me happy and when I don't get it. It makes me feel like he doesn't want me. And so Im unhappy. And I don't know what to do to get things back the way they were. Has he lost interest in me? He says he wants to be with me and e cares about me. And that he has been stress and doesn't feel like being affection. I just feel unwanted what should I do. Leave him or try and make things work. I need answers

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.

Customer: Okay thank you
Customer: Do you think this the right guy for me or do I need to move on
Customer: Anyone there
Ask Eleanor :

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so unwanted by your bf. Long distance relationship can be very emotionally stressful. Living 2 hours away from one another and only being together on the weekend is hard enough, now that he will be going away for 6 months and you will only see one another once a month, it will be very difficult to maintain emotional and physical intimacy. Sometimes this can happen even before a person actually leaves. And I think this is what is happening with your bf, emotionally he is already distancing himself from you. He may truly be stressed about going away to work; stress can make someone withdraw from those they love. Some people even have to get angry with the person they love, so that they can leave. So, I am sure he is struggling internally. The troubling thing is that he is not sharing his feelings with you and speaks to you harshly. I would try asking him to tell you how he is feeling about the two of you being apart and about having to go away to work. Try to draw him out and understand what he is feeling. Just because his behavior towards you has changed, it does not necessarily mean that he has stopped caring for you. I know it hurts to feel ignored, neglected, but I would not leave him right now if you truly care for him. You will know if and when the time comes to end things with him. I hope this helps. Chat back if you have any questions, Eleanor

Customer: I just wanted to say thank for the advice. We have only been together a few month but I really wanna be with him and he tells me he wants to be with me for the long haul. And he is great guy just this weekend has been very hard on him. He is the kind of guy that likes money and also he is thinking a lot about his future and how he going to get through school. Just right now he does not have a good job and needs one becuz his parents won't pay for his school. How he had a talk with his grandparents and there going to help him with school and he has found another job in his home town so he is not moving away now. He told me last night that he was sorry for being an asshole too me. I feel a lot better now about that. I'm still wondering what I should think about his guy time. He told me every now and then he wants a guy weekend. I told him that was okay I just wanna make sure he is not going behind my back with another girl becuz we are 2 hours apart. What should I do about this guy time that he is asking for. Should I let him have guy weekends. And should he have any restrictions on what he can and can't do on guy weekends. Also he has also had guy time during the week. There has been many days during the week he has hung out with his guys. So he has been able to spend time with them. I just don't wanna make him spend time with me if he doesn't wanna spend time with me. I want him to want to see me all the time if possible. I love spending time with him. He told me he is a independent person
Ask Eleanor :

Hello again, good to hear back from you. I am pleased that your bf does not have to move further away after all and that he apologized. It does sound like he has been under an extreme amount of stress recently, so good that the two of you could talk about it. As he has planned to spend a weekend with his friends, it is understandable that he wants to do so, but I certainly understand your concerns. I suggest that you talk with him and tell him honestly of your concerns. Tell him that you really understand him wanting to go ahead with his guy weekend, but that thinking about it causes you to worry a bit about the weekend including other women. Then ask him if he can do anything to reassure you, make you feel better. Hopefully he will and you can trust him and be okay with him spending this time with his friends. I would suggest that you plan something special that weekend so that you are not sitting home worrying about what he is doing. Go out with friends yourself, visit family, have a day of pampering, just do something you enjoy that you would not be able to do if you were spending the weekend with him. I hope this help with the guy weekend question. Let me know if you need anything further. I wish you and your bf all the best, XXXXX XXXXX Eleanor

Customer: I just feel the reason he is wanting a guy weekend is becuz he is getting bored of me and doesn't want to see. When he use to want to come up every weekend to see me. Why does now he has to have a guy weekend. I just
Customer: This guy weekend makes me feel like like he is bored of me and doesn't wanna see me. Before are fight he use to want to see me every weekend. Also during the week there are days he doesn't work on those days he doesn't work he goes and hangs out with a guy friend doing what ever. Shouldn't that count as guy time becuz he is not seeing me and he is not working he is hanging out with a guy. He use to want to spend all his time with me now he doesn't. It just hurts. Why is he getting this way. Is he getting bored of me. I feel like he doesn't want me as bad as he didn't before. I always want to spend time with him and I like just seeing my friends during the week. Cuz I really wanna see him on the weekend. I just don't know what to think
Ask Eleanor :

Hello again, I know it hurts to not have as much attention, spend as much time with your bf as you did before. But the difficult truth is that you cannot control what your bf does; and you cannot get inside his mind to understand why, without asking him. You need to tell him how you feel and ask him why he is spending less time with you; the two of you need to have a long talk. Until you do, you will continue to feel confused. I would talk to him about this in person and in public (i.e. out for coffee, dinner) because you are less likely to get angry with one another than when you are alone. Don't be afraid to tell him that you are feeling hurt and need reassuring that he still cares for you. I hope it goes well, take care, Patricia

Customer: Okay thank you very much. I think I've figured every thing we both need to be happy in this relationship. We are talk and work things out to make us both happy. Thank you for all your help
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