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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello, Im a 35 year old newlywed who is very sexually frustrated.

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Hello, I'm a 35 year old newlywed who is very sexually frustrated. I know that my husband loves me but the sex part of our relationship is missing - we're lucky if we have if once a month. It's always me that is pestering him for sex which makes me feel unwanted and not desired. He blames it on his job (it's very tiring) and I can empathise with that, but surely there is something that can be done to boost energy levels?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

When there is an issue with sexual desire, the first step is to rule out anything physical that could be wrong. Talk to your husband about seeing his doctor to rule out any reason why he would not desire sex. It could possibly be a testosterone issue or ED and the doctor can provide ways for him to increase his hormone level so his desire comes back. It is possible that your husband does have a physical issue and either is fearful of addressing it or feels embarrassed to do so.

However, if there is no physical issue found, then your husband's issue is most likely emotional. Possible reasons for a lack of sexual desire are depression, anxiety, certain medications, stress or trauma of some sort. To find out why your husband does not desire sex, it would be helpful for him to have an evaluation by a mental health therapist. The therapist can do an evaluation to determine if there is an emotional reason and if so, what to do about it. Therapy can be very effective with addressing sexual issues.

In the meanwhile, talk to your husband about how you feel. Do not ask him for sex but instead just talk. Tell him that you are feeling unwanted and ask him what he feels is going on (besides his job). See if he is willing to talk to you about other possible reasons. Also, talk to him about other ways he can show you affection until the issue around his sexuality can be resolved. Find ways to be closer and show your love for one another. This may trigger his sexual desire and help him connect with you.

Also, ask him if it is possible if both of you try. Take it one step at a time. Learn as much as you can about rekindling sexuality. Here are some resources to help you:

Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage by Laurie Watson

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

The more you know, the more tools you have to help your marriage.

I hope this has helped you,

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