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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Debra I have been involved with a man over the last 6

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Hi Debra
I have been involved with a man over the last 6 months who was until recently not fully separated. I think we both became involved due to lonliness and mental attraction. WE have not had a sexual relationship. and were emotionally involved. He has had ongoing difficulties with his wife, she had found out about us via monitioring his mail. He is now saying he needs some time off, he is going through tough times because he is seperating from his 20 year marriage. I had actually told him I completely understood and that I would respect his wishes. My question is how should I handle things, I care for him deeply, but I dont know there are so many unknowns? i also dont handle non communication well, but first time have done well with this..

Deardebra : Thank you for your question. What happens when a marriage breaks up it causes a lot of emotional confusion.
Deardebra : EEven though the marriage is completely over,you still go through the emotions of a break up.
Deardebra : He is asking for time off because he needs to get his feelings in order. He knows how he feels about you, but he does not want to burden you with his separation problems. He wants you both to have a good start.
Deardebra : You want to email him just to check in to see how he is doing. You can say something like this. I know you asked to take a break but I just felt the need to see how you were doing. Its important too me to know that your ok. I care about you and I don't want to see you hurt. I am here when ever you need me.
Deardebra : This will help let him know that you are still there and you understand.
Customer: Hi debra
Deardebra : Right now he needs you in his life but doesn't want you to be placed in all the problems he is having. He is being considerate, but some times you just need someone to talk to and I feel he needs you right now even though he is pushing you away.
Customer: We have had a very good relationship with each other, how long should I wait? It's been about 7 days.. Also I am very concerned about if they do work things out I will be very torn . I feel i need some distance too. He has a seventeen your old, and I know him to be a rational, kind guy. He lives in Europe, we are bothsuccesful and older.
Deardebra : I would contact him now.
Customer: I think you are wise.. It's just a tough situation all around.
Deardebra : He needs to know that you are there, right now he will not know how you feel so you need to make it clear how you feel about him.
Deardebra : He said he wanted a break but I am sure he is just waiting to hear from you.
Customer: I will let him know, I know he has been overwhelmed. How do I handle keeping a bit if rational distance.
Deardebra : You want to check in with him now to see how he is doing. He needs to know you are still there. You want to try checking in with him once a week to see how he is doing. He is going through a tough time and will have many emotions.
Customer: I also can honestly say I want the best for him..if that means working out marriage ,, I would accept it, that's why I am so hesitant to reach out.. I too don't want to get hurt
Customer: I got it.. I will do, he said as much, hewas going through tough times and that's why he had withdrawn.
Deardebra : You want to be supportive and tell him that his happiness is very important too you and you understand this is hard for him. But one thing that people can not do is stay in a marriage they are not happy with, so you do not want him to think that you want him to stay in a marriage he does not want to be in. You want to tell him his happiness is what is important.
Customer: Ok, I also just worry about being the wedge between he and his wife.. Lots of worries. Thanks for your kind advice..yes he is very dutiful and had said to me months ago that he was unhappy, but duty important. I will try to maintain some equilibrium...
Deardebra : I feel that the marriage is over between them and also the ex also knew as well becuase she checked his e-mails, she knew soemthing was wrong with her marriage.
Customer: I had just thought we would always have a deep friendship, this was unexpected that they are seperating..
Customer: Thank you
Deardebra : I do not think he will stay in this marriage being unhappy he will move on, but he is taking his time to work out his feelings.
Customer: Yes, there has been a lot wrong, I am a doctor is I do understand,, it's still the hopes of a longstanding relationship.
Customer: Sorry for the typos, ipadi is inserting text ...
Deardebra : I think once he met you he realized that he wanted to be with you and his whole life chnaged and he did not want to waste one more second of his life being with someone he no longer loved.
Customer: I hope so, I do love him, and truly want only the best for him..
Deardebra : That what you need to tell him.
Customer: Ok, thanks very much..
Deardebra : You welcome
Deardebra : Contact him today at a time you know that is good. He will be glad you contacted him. If he does not answer right away that is ok. He might wait for the right time to talk with you or he might want to think about what to say.
Customer: Ok, I will do that.. Thank you..
Deardebra : You welcome and thank you again for your question.
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