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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Why do I feel like this about my best friend? Elvis and

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Why do I feel like this about my best friend?

Elvis and I met two years ago online. We really liked eachother, he lost interest in me as a girlfriend and we quickly became settled and happy in a platonic
Relationship. I saw other people he saw other people . Now he is getting married in October. He says it means a lot that I will be there. But it's killing me inside, I want be supportive but it hurts. I feel like I'm losing him, the only other woman he talks to other than me
Is his fiancée. We have lunch together everyday I have class. Everything became second nature. But I have struggled so much I don't want to hurt him or for him to hate me. I can't stand his fiancée even though she is really nice I feel like she is coming between us and she is taking from me. I have been there picking up the pieces from every broken heart, every rejection, when he was beating himself up about doing bad on a test. We spent so much time together I could tell when he was in a good mood and when he was lying about being in a good mood. He wears the stuff she picks out even though he hates it. He says he loves her. I don't know why it hurts so much or why it's killing me inside. How can I tell
Him the truth when I don't even know what the truth is. How am. I supposed to watch him get married to another woman. I don't know
If I can do it. I need help figure this out.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You seem to be a person who is prone to anxiety and you are having an adult form of separation anxiety in losing this friend in a certain sense. He has been a best friend without benefits but someone who has become very dear to you.

In a very real sense you are in love with him and this feels like a betrayal and a breakup.

You have become dependent on him but now are losing him to another woman, one you do not think is even suitable for him - and you may be right.

However, he has made the choice and you will have to live with it.

His marriage will limit your contact and you are starting to feel the hole in your life caused by his absence.

You feel as if you lost him to another woman, and in a real sense, you have.

You are feeling some grief over this loss and will have to endure it.

If you cannot bear to go to the wedding, then do not go. You don't want to be a morose woman at your friend's wedding.

Do your best to explain how you feel, and since you are such close friends he will understand.

I think you are finally realizing that you are very much in love with him and don't want to lose him.

If he feels the same way then maybe you two should get together. If he loves this other girl, then give him your blessings and struggle with your emotions.

If you can go to the wedding and remain brave, then go ahead. If not, stay home, give your blessings and to to re-establish this relationship on new terms based on the new reality.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I was diagnosed with anxiety years ago I take lexapro
For it. I never thought I would have anxiety about it. I think that
I am in love with him but I have a hard time
Admitting it to myself because I know he doesn't feel the same way. He keeps telling me that he thinks I want him to be his everything and I don't. Why can't I be more accepting of this other woman. She is trying I think to be nice she is friends with me on Facebook. Not exactly my choice but she says he talks about me all the time with her. He calls our friendship platonic. They haven't even bend dating a year and I feel like know so much more about him than she does. How am I supposed to move on from being in love with him. He says to me you never know it may not work out or if its meant to be with us it will be. If its true that I am in love with him then how come I can't admit it to myself? How would I explain all this to him.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Give me some more answers and advice

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue. Let me follow up on Elliott's answer and give you some more answers and advice.

You are clearly a caring and sensitive person. And this situation is not straightforward. First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating, confusing, and hurtful this situation must be for you. Why do I say frustrating?

Because you really believed, or allowed yourself to believe, that your feelings were just "friend" feelings toward Elvis. He lost interest in the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and so, as a caring and loving person, you tried to play it his way. And now you see that you were really playing it his way and not YOUR way. That you really had and have romantic feelings and desires for him and that you've been repressing them all this time. Why confusing?

Because you still feel like you should play it his way, that you should be happy to be friends, overjoyed that he's with another woman. That's what HE wants.

The problem is that this is not what YOU want. I am saying this because you need to accept what you want as important. You can't live life trying to be what he or others need for themselves. You have to live your life to fulfill your needs. You are a giving person, so I'm not concerned about you becoming selfish. If he feels that your not coming to his wedding is selfish, that's because he wants for you to be a friend only. He doesn't realize that you have romantic feelings for him and you are not in a position to tell him. You need to move on in your life and he really doesn't have a place. Yes, it's very sad. But it was sad, the beginning of sad, when he decided he wasn't interested in you being his girlfriend. You tried to not let it be sad. But it would have to be sad at some point. And now you've come to that point where you can't deny any longer that it didn't work out between you. Being friends is not YOUR interest.

The first thing is you need to recognize that you are now grieving consciously. When you thought you were friends, you just were grieving under the surface. You'll be grieving this relationship. And that is real grief. Something that was very real and precious to you ended when he said he just wanted to be friends: love is real and precious.

But even as you grieve you will soon need to switch focus from exclusively grieving (looking back at what was lost) to where you wish to head toward. And that will be to look for Mr. Right. Part of your grief will be that you thought he was Mr. Right and now you see he was someone on the way toward finding Mr. Right. So let's have this in hand for when you might need it:

Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy". You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.

That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.

Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.

Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.

These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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