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Last month I ended my relationship with my BF of 4.7 years.

Last month I ended my...

Last month I ended my relationship with my BF of 4.7 years. It ended badly. The first 2 years of our time together was wonderful. At the time, I was still raising my youngest child, growing my career (during the day) and working a night job so that I could help support my Son through college and pay all the household expenses. My BF was so supportive during that time. Mostly we only saw each other on the weekends but he was always doing little things to make my life easier and less stressful. He had gone through a horrible divorce a couple years prior to us meeting and during the divorce lost his business, home and all his assets. He told me that his ex wife took the books for his business and bled the business dry (keeping two sets of books) and he was completely unaware until she served him with divorce papers and gave him a stack of bills for the business...after wiping out the accounts. He had no money for an attorney and ended up losing everything. That's the condensed story. His goal was to eventually take her back to court when he had the money. Unfortunately, closing his business so abruptly ruined his reputation as well as his credit and he was turned down for every job he applied for. He would tell me that prospective employers were all excited and ready to hire him....and then he'd never get a call back. I felt bad for him and just saw the good in him. He had this ability to put a positive spin on everything even with all the adversity that he had faced. I saw the two of us as two people facing our own adversities but happy in life with the strong bond that we had. I thought it was so strong, unique and special. Two years into the relationship I found out he was online actively involved on an online sexually aggressive website designed for people looking to "hook up" with others. I went onto his computer and found a hundred letters that he had written to both Men and Women talking about what he was looking for....what he wanted to do with them....and there was also references to phone calls and one actual physical meeting with a man in a nearby town. I was devastated. He apologized and said that he was down in the dumps from not having a job....and it was a game that he got caught up in. He never intended to meet anyone although the letters were not passive in any way. They were all very direct and there was never any doubt in my mind was his true intentions were. He was actively looking to hook up. Looking back now - I wished I would have let go and walked away then ....but I didn't. I truly loved this guy and although I didn't believe his lies ...I still believed we had something special and he promised he would never do it again. He told me I could look at his computer anytime and he seemed sincere. I ended getting a sales position with a company out of state and when he traveled he always stayed at the same hotel with a "Hooters" type rest right across the street. He went there every night for dinner and drinks and it bothered me fresh of the heals of the cheating. He refused to stop going and told me I had to deal with it. It was basically my problem I had to get over. Soon after, he lost that job. He didn't tell me that he was fired until two weeks after the fact. He asked me to follow him to drop off his company car and when I asked what he was going to drive he said - the company was going to pay for him to rent one. He finally owned up to the fact he was fired. Why? He told me the owner said - It just didn't feel right. He was once again unemployed and looking for work. We were still spending every weekend together but things had changed. I no longer enjoyed going out with him in public. It always seemed like any time we would go somewhere he would detach himself like we weren't really a couple. In Sept of last year he asked to move in with me. He still didn't have a job and no money to pay rent. I opened my doors even though I was beginning to have serious doubts about our future. I still loved him like no other. I thought maybe being together more would help the insecurities I had. It didn't. A few months later...his son was kicked out of college and moved in too. Everything went from bad to worse. My home became theirs and the few things that meant something to me were big issues like cleaning up after themselves, his cat litter box. When I would complain to my BF...he made light of everything as if my requests were out of line. It got to the point where he would walk away not wanting to address the issues. During the almost 11 months they lived with me they gave me $900 while I was struggling with the increased expenses and fighting depression. I was tired of the Head/Heart Conflict and felt like I was bled dry. I gave them 2 weeks to find a new place to live and I was very angry at the end making threats if they didn't return items they took when they left. I am dealing with guilt for the way things ended. Help.

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Answered in 1 hour by:
7/20/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Dear friend,

You have had a very harrowing experience where you lost not just financially, but spiritually. You were deceived, betrayed, used, and almost emotionally crushed by this man.

It is possible that he is a narcissist. The focus is on him. He operates like a con-man, with lies and deception. He wants admiration, sexual conquests, and control. Narcissists need what is called "narcissistic supply" much as a vampire needs blood.

Sometimes they will victimize a significant other in order to have control over them. You were very much in love with him, but he didn't even want to be seen in public with you.

Narcissists are sociopaths, meaning that they are not capable of feeling empathy for others. They cannot feel your pain or hurt in the same manner as a blind man cannot see in front of his face.

If you want to understand this kind of behavior, let me recommend a book for you that will give you the wisdom to never fall for a manipulator again.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

I wish you great success in recovering from this and in making peace with your son who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

You are fortunate to not have this man in your life and you will survive and thrive.

 

To that end I shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I've read about narcissistic behavior and much of it fits. It is the worst battle I've ever faced....the fight between what I knew and what I felt. He had this wonderful side and he did so many thoughtful things but ultimately at the end he threw them back at me in an attempt to paint me as a bad person and make me feel bad for kicking him out after "loving and caring for me". I just feel so horrible for kicking him out when he was jobless with no money but I just reached a breaking point and wanted everything I could never make sense of out of my life. I needed to be at peace. Thank you for the book recommendation! I appreciate your help! God Bless!

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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