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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I dated this guy for about 2 years and then we broke up.....right

Customer Question

I dated this guy for about 2 years and then we broke up.....right after breaking up we still continued what seemed to me to be a relationship but not official. During this time he fell in love with someone else unbeknownst to me. Soon I found out everything and was very upset. He said his apologies and we soon became intimate again. At the same time to girl which he fell in love with stopped talking to him. He later stated to me that he wanted to be with her and that he was going to make efforts to move forward with her. Once again I wads upset and disappointed. I loved him and I gave my all to our friendship/relationship. He never gained a response from this other girl so we became intimate once more. One day I saw the girl kissing another guy I figured this was her new boyfriend. As a good friend I told my ex that the girl he loved now has a boyfriend...I hoped that it would open his eyes. I've always had his back no matter what and I've always been there for him despite what hurt he has caused me. The very same day that I delivered the news to him he tells me that he no longer wants to be intimate with me. I was quite sad because here I am hoping that we could finally get the chance to start over fresh in a relationship but it was quite the oppsite. I'm wondering what to do now. I have made attempts to try to find someone but just didn't have very much luck with it. Should I still remain friends with him and have his back? Is it really worth my time and energy? Or should I just let hom go completely which is hard for me because I don't have many friends or a social life for that matter. He was pretty much my closest friend. Would letting him go completely make him think twice about things? Or would it distance us even more? I just don't know what to tell him or how to handle this. 5 almost 6 years is a long time to have built a relationship/friendship with someone...what should I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help. Not only have I see this situation arise with so many couples, but I have been there myself. Being a therapist does not guarantee being with a stable person or being able to make a relationship work.

You have been betrayed and your hopes have been crushed on several occasions. You have allowed yourself to be used and thrown away a number of times. Your friendship has been one-sided and you have enabled it.

When we love someone unconditionally, the conditions can sometimes become intolerably painful, as they have in your long term relationship.

You brought him bad news about his girlfriend kissing her new man, and he "shot the messenger" - in a sense blaming you instead of her.

I believe that you need to gather all of your strength and courage and break free from this man. It is better to be alone than to be in a painful situation which is worse than loneliness. Being with someone who doesn't love you is the loneliest feeling in the world.

You need someone who will treasure you and love your faithfulness and dedication. You are truly an excellent woman and desirable friend and partner. Someone will recognize you for who you are and will be a real faithful partner to you. You can't make that happen, but is can and probably will.

Right now your relationship is dysfunctional and has no future. If you leave him you will either free your life, or make him see what a fool he has been. I believe that distancing yourself from him will bring you the best results for happiness whether it leads to a permanent end, or to a breakthrough realization of your true worth to him.

The only way that you can gain control of your life is to take control of the situation. You will feel more powerful, more in control of your life, have more self-esteem, and will gain his respect.

I wish you great success in resolving this unhappy situation in your very best long-term interest, and to that end I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So, what exactly should tell him? I don't want an arguement to arise.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear friend,

It takes two to argue and one to walk away from arguments.

If you do not want to continue as a temporary backup in his life and you are done with being thrown under the bus while he pursues other women then simply tell him that you love him but you are done being thrown aside for another woman and told when you can or can't be intimate with him.

Tell him that your would rather be alone than treated like this anymore. Tell me not to contact you any more if that is what you want. If you continue on the present course, you will always be someone on the side and never the main attraction.

Speak you mind in few words and be prepared to carry out what you say. Yes it is sad, but you can have a better life.

You deserve it , but you must be strong, and must act decisively.

Warm regards,


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