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I would like to help you with your question.
I am sorry that your daughter left abruptly and that you feeling distraught and upset.
me too thank you
I can only imagine how painful this is.
it is hard for me. it has always been hard being apart
Her sudden departure did not give you the opportunity to have a good leave-taking...one in which you could have an adult conversation about her reasons for leaving, her mental state, her plans, and so forth.
Instead...you are left with all this sadness and grief and, likely, some sense that you let her done.
yes I feel that way
There is also some betrayal on her part because you did not know that she had made plans to see her dad...is that right?
she did it suddenly yesterday
That gave you NO opportunity to prepare for her leaving!
none. I am devastated
Had she have told you what she was planning...at least you could have helped her make the move and she would have felt involved and a part of what was going on. Instead...it is as you said...like a boyfriend jilting you.
Can you tell me what you are saying to yourself? What are the words you are saying in your head?
Are you saying, "I'm a bad mother?"
Or..."I don't know how to make my kids happy?"
Or..."I'm a failure"
I see that you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified.
Until then... I am sorry that this has happened. It's important for you to know that you did NOT make this happen...your daughter made a choice and did not include you in that decision making process. Had she done that, the two of you might have been able to come up with a solution to her unhappiness that you would have felt much better about. Leaving in such an abrupt manner was a poor decision and one that she might someday regret.
I phoned her and told her she can still come back anytime. we love and support her no matter what
I am doubting myself. what did I do? how could I have been a better mother so she wasnt so unhappy with herself
I'm glad that you have told her that the door is always open. That will give her the security of knowing that you are not angry or upset.
I can understand why you are doubting yourself...that's a very natural reaction.
yes i want her to know that even if it is hard for me to have her leave
You didn't do anything. She made a choice. Her happiness is something she controls...you can contribute to it...but you can't control it.
i am working to not internalize this and take responsibility for her emotions. because i believe she needs to figure this out herself
yes I believe that - we are responsible for our own happiness
We all want our children to be happy...seeing them upset or in pain is heart breaking.
thank you for your feedback
You are welcome...
Your daughter is learning how to be an adult...
And...that process involves making good decisions, okay decisions, and sometimes poor decisions.
Hard as it might seem....she needs to experience all of those things.
That's how she will learn.
ok, that is hard for me but you are right. she needs to experience it and make the mistakes herself
So even though you want to protect her right now and make sure that she is happy, secure, and so forth...the reality is that sometimes we learn more when we make poor decisions.
I think that her leaving so abruptly is going to be a huge learning experience for her. She basically ran away from her unhappiness. She MAY think that she will find happiness with Dad...but the reality is that she is just pushing her unhappiness to the back burner...that's not going to solve it...that will only delay it.
As parents, our role is PREPARE our children for life...not PROTECT them from life.
Does that make sense to you?
sorry phone call.
yes perfect sense. thanks much for your reaffirmations!!
You are very welcome!
I reached out to my daughter with a proposal. She really wants a car at school this year (sophmore). I sent her an email (she said she didnt want to text or call) offering to pay for her flight back to CA to my home to pick up a car I just bought and take her belongings to school. If she doesnt do that, she has boxes here that she will need to ship and it will be quite expensive not to mention she wont have a car. I asked her to let me know by tomorrow so I can purchase the ticket in the 2 week discount period.
I talked to her dad who had mentioned the email and my offer to her to get a gauge on what she is thinking. He said he was surprised. She isnt too keen on the idea.
I am at a loss as to what I have done to upset her so much that she doesnt want to come back with me for a week before school and pick up a car to keep at school and to drive her belongings.
I am hurt that she wont talk to me and doesnt want to come here. Not sure how to cope. I am depressed and it affects the rest of my life. Suggestions?
thank you! Your guidance is very helpful to me.
One more thing. It doesn't appear she is going to accept my offer and wont answer my calls. I thought I would weigh all the boxes and let her know the price to ship. My next thought is what to do with her cellphone service that I pay for and what about tuition (I pay 1/2)? I feel that she should be able to communicate if she wants this additional help. Perhaps I say that in my email on the cost of shipping? When I have broached that subject recently via text (before she said not to text or call), she just dismisses it and says she doesn't care anymore she just wont go to school. Very difficult to know how to approach it to get a different reaction.