Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating, confusing, and hurtful this situation must be for you. Why do I say frustrating?
Because you know deep in your heart that you did not do anything that deserved any of this type of treatment. Why confusing?
Because that is not how it's supposed to work, right? You make pancakes in the morning and then are accused of not caring about him at all. Something doesn't quite make sense in all of his behavior. But he seems so certain that he's right.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. That he's so certain that his needs, no matter how small, should be at the top of your mind (like getting him a drink when you get one for you), is indeed a warning bell. I can't tell you whether he is truly narcissistic, meaning clinically narcissistic, or whether he is just extremely self centered. But your description tries SO hard to justify him. I can tell you this is indeed not normal, nor is it the way love is supposed to work.
You are correct. And you need to get back to trusting your own self. This is my concern here. Narcissists get the other person so wrapped up in their needs, self, etc. that you begin to lose the sense of yourself as an equal with equal needs and equal right to receive attention and caring from the other person. He may not be a narcissist, but he has this type of behavior pattern. And therefore, I'm so glad that you are not in his sphere of influence. This is not a healthy way for you to proceed in your life. Love needs to be a sharing of caring each for the other; love is thinking the best of the other person. Love isn't like how he was behaving.
Now, really this is where my answer would end practically. You know what I think: I would be concerned for your future if you would live together. But emotionally we need to help you move on in your life.
The first thing is you will need to recognize that you will also now be grieving. You'll be grieving this relationship. And that is real grief. Something that was very real and precious to you will have died: love is real and precious.To you. That's because you are a giving person. And so you gave of yourself.
But even as you grieve you will soon need to switch focus from exclusively grieving (looking back at what was lost) to where you wish to head toward. And that will be to look for Mr. Right. Part of your grief will be that you thought he was Mr. Right and now you see he was someone on the way toward finding Mr. Right. So let's have this in hand for when you might need it:
Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy". You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.
That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.
Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.
Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.
These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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