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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I met Jim about 1 1/2 year ago(were both in our late fifties,

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I met Jim about 1 1/2 year ago(we're both in our late fifties, divorced with grown children) at a singles' dance and the sparks flew instantly(he chased me but he knew I liked him a lot). We started dating, he was attentive and fun and asked me to be exclusive after 3 dates. I said yes as I was really into him. A couple of weeks later he started to cool down and back off. The two months we dated, he was consistently hot and cold. He owns a business and is a workaholic and drives and builds racing cars as a hobby, I seemed at the bottom of his priority list. I have a very active social life with lots of friends but wanted to spend time with my sweetie too. I never chased him, always waiting for him to call or e-mail and very seldom suggesting we get together, I'm old fashioned that way. I never knew if I would see him on the weekends or holiday weekends and even though I did not sit at home I really wanted to be with him. We did not become intimate until we had been dating a month and though things were very hot between us he had ED issues and medication did not agree with him. I told him it did not matter as I really liked him and we enjoyed ourselves very much anyways in the intimacy department. Jim's background consists of a long marriage that ended 7 years ago when his wife had an affair with his friend and left him. He said he takes part of the responsibility as he worked so much and she was lonely but I can tell this devastated him. He has not been in a serious relationship since. I asked him a few times if he needed some space or wanted to move on and he would give me a hug and say no. This went on two months in all(not long I know but I had strong feelings for him), I seemed to always be waiting to see if he wanted to see me so I told him I was moving on. He seemed upset but never tried to change my mind. We continued to see each other at the dances(he was always alone) we would say hi but never approached each other, I was with dates at times. He was always watching me and the attraction was palpable even from across the room. A month ago he approached me at the dance to talk, we ended up going for coffee, he said he knew he had not treated me fairly. Since then, he has been texting, e-mailing daily, calls at times, we have gone out for lunch twice and for coffee twice late in the evening when I finish work(at 11PM). He has never asked me out on a weekend and from what I hear, he is not dating anyone though we are both on the same internet dating site which is fine but he always seems to be online. I feel he is more comfortable pretend dating than actually dating(safer maybe?) We have not had sex and I will not until I sort out what's going on but we have been doing a lot of hot kissing. The few times we have been together he says things and acts in a way that makes me feel he cares for me(more than he ever said before and is opening up a bit more about his marriage etc...) but I don't trust what is going on. I feel he is emotionally unavailable. My question is, do I walk away now before I get more emotionally involved(I'm still dating other men but my heart is with Jim so I am unable to really connect with anyone else), do I have a talk with him now about what's going on with us, do I say nothing, continue as things are now(if so, how long before I bring up the subject and move on if he's not interested in having a real relationship). I guess deep down I'm hoping he will continue to open up more and eventually be emotionally available but then again, maybe I'm deluding myself. On his behalf he is a great dad, a wonderful son to his elderly mother and a loyal friend to his guys pals. I'm attractive, fun, kind and giving and have a lot to offer a man. Should I be patient or run for the hills? I risk a broken heart here. Thanks
Hello. It sounds as though he has a ton of emotional baggage from his past relationship as well as feeling as though he can't provide for you sexually, which is devastating to men. It definitely is more of an important part of a relationship to men more so than women to be able to provide for their partners in that way. I think he genuinely cares for you but is unable to have a functional relationship because of his own emotional difficulty and avoidance of important issues. Although he did speak to you a bit about how he felt he treated you unfairly, you both really need to have a serious conversation about what is going on and what you both expect from each other now and in the future. You should contact him and meet him to have this talk. You should put everything out on the table and be very direct with him. BY waiting for him to act in the past, he has not provided you with any input or action, so you need to have a different approach. You don't want to give up because you do have feelings for him, but at the same time, you cannot be passive You need to let go a bit of your old fashion ways for this particular individual, because he does not seem to respond to that type of behavior on your side of the equation. I would also suggest that you take some time to write down exactly how you feel on paper for your own good. You can either use these "notes" in your conversation with him or not, but it will help you get out all of your feelings and make sure you don't miss anything when you have a talk with him. Talk about everything, including the sexual part of the relationship, even if its uncomfortable. Tell him about how you feel he should initiate contact more often to make you feel like he is interested. Check in with him emotionally and see where he is and what he wants and ask him what he expects. Tell him what you expect. See if both of you can meet each others expectations to a reasonable level. At least you will then know where you stand. If you walk away, you will always wonder what would have been, should you have stuck it out, etc. and won't have any closure. If you have "the talk" and put it all on the line and give it a last big attempt and it doesn't work, then you will know in your heart that you did all you could do to make it work and it just didn't. It will be easier for you and your future.
You have tried being patient and it hasn't worked. You have to try a different approach.
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