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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years now and I absolutely love him, however things were not pretty in the beginning. He was 21 when we first starting dating (I was only 18), so he would go out to clubs and parties and ignore me all the time. He was a virgin (so he says), so I took his virginity. I guess you could say we were more "friends with benefits" in the beginning, although I loved him.... he just didn't love me back. I know he talked to different girls and he won't admit to anything, even though I saw signs of emotional affairs on social media websites.

Last year, everything changed after a rough break-up of not seeing eachother for a month, we got back together. Back in May of 2012, we have seen each other everyday.

We are fine now, and we see each other everyday and everyone knows we're dating... and we plan on getting married. I just can't help but to dwell on the past, and that annoys him so much. I already yelled at him about it, so I don't want to keep bringing it up... I just feel like he's still hiding things. I am now twenty and a half years old and he is twenty-three. I love him dearly, but when I'm alone I can't help but to feel depressed about our past we had.



****I am a girl, I don't know how to change that

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like you felt very hurt by the break up that occurred between you and your boyfriend. When something like that occurs, it can break your trust and set you apart from your partner. You are going from being together as a couple to opposing sides. When you come back together, all the feelings you had from the break up can stay with you.

Talking to your boyfriend is good. It helps keep the communication open between you. The fact that he gets upset means he either doesn't want to deal with his emotions about what happened, or he doesn't know how.

Instead of talking about what happened between you when you broke up, try to focus on what happened as a result. Was your trust broken? Did he say something in particular that bothered you and hurt you? What did that bring up for you? Once you know how the break up hurt you, you can work on fixing what is wrong.

For example, if trust is an issue (as it is in most break ups), then you can work on relearning to trust again. Here are some resources to get you started:

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele

Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.

If you feel at any time that you both get stuck and cannot resolve this, consider therapy even for a short time. It can help you work through your issues enough so you can finish working through it on your own.

I hope this has helped you,

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any other questions, please let me know.

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
I am sorry that you were so unhappy with my answer. Is there anything I can do to get you the answer you are looking for?