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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been dating a women for almost 2 months. She is very

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I have been dating a women for almost 2 months. She is very outgoing and sociable. Well the first month of the relationship was very good. She had this high interest in me and would be very attentive. Then after the first month things began to change. She was less responsive. She would not answer her phone. I would leave a message and she would return my call much later than before. Well, we recently took a trip for her birthday. Right before our trip she seemed not interested in going. The day before we left she was suppose to be at my place to go pick up the rental vehicle, but said she thought to be at my place the following day in the morning bc on my text i wrote to be at my house at 8. She did finally get to my place like at 10:20pm. Now why would she be at my place at 8 the day of my trip if we were going to leave at 6am and still had to pick up the rental which would of taken us another 1 hr. So i got a bit upset. Well we talked it over and continue with our plans for the trip. She had a very good time and told me she liked the trip. Except one day which she got really sad and began to cry over her fiancee which had proposed to her on her birthday. They had separated 9 months ago. It was a bad break up. Well, the night before she was fine i took her out to dinner and dancing, she loved it. So the day of her bd she was very emotional, crying very much and looked very hurt. In the late afternoon after lunch she wanted to get liquor bc it made her feel better, i tried to convince her not to, but she was very persistent. Well she headed towards a liquor store that was near the restaurant we had lunch at and bought beer. We then checked in to our hotel and once we got there she began to drink and became more melancholy. Well we talked for a few hours and i gave her advice so she could feel better, but she really did not pay much attention and kept drinking. Well at 8:30pm she fell asleep and woke up at 10:10pm. She then wanted to go out like to a bar or something, I told her we should stay in bc of her condition. Well she got really upset and said it was the worst bd ever. The following morning we headed to San Diego, which she enjoyed very much, i as well. She told me she had lots of fun. The following day we were back home in the early afternoon. We took the rental back and i took her home. Well i hugged and kissed her goodbye. Later that evening she had gone to a celebration party for her sister. She then called me at 12:30am in morning saying that she had just gotten home. Her voice was slurred and i asked if she had been drinking she said yes and so what. Well she knew i did not like her to drink in public w/o me being there bc it made her look bad. Well, after i question her she told me, straight up that we should just break up bc she did not like me questioning her. Well that week she went wild, she started to hang out with her friends again and going out drinking until 2am-3am in the morning and would then call me inebriated saying she wanted to see me. I would tell to go home. Well we recently had a serious talk and decided to keep dating. She still want to go out with her friends and drink and said i should not think its bad bc we are not married, i disagree. She says i have to loosen up more and be more sociable not so uptight. She also says that i act like a 50 year old man though i am much younger. She says that my jokes are not funny. That when we are together and she is texting on her cell is bc she is bored with me. Well even though she said all those negative things and does things i don't like, i still care for her and want to be with her, she knows it bc i done many things that show it. So, is there really a future for us? What should i do different or should i continue to act the same? I know she still thinks about her fiancee very much bc she was really in love with him. She also compares me very much to him, like when i do something wrong. Well i know she has not lost interest in me bc she still texts me calls me and wants to see me, which i like. The only thing is her unstable condition and unwillingness to commit that makes me very sad. I don't know what else needs to be done. We are both in our mid thirties and think its time for us decide what we want. I still want to be with her and have a more formal relation. She wants to see me occasionally and wants to have freedom bc she does not like to be told what to do. Does this women care for me and should i invest any more time with her? or should i be patient and hope she realizes that she is not in her twenties and its time for her to settle down? Please Advice. Thank You.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment with her. She has not had time to heal from her past and that can be a very dangerous thing. You see who she is and what she likes to do. You are not going to be able to change her behavior. She has said some pretty rude things to you as far as being bored with you and that you act like you are 50. She seems to have a problem with alcohol as well. You have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship with someone like this. She may or may not change in the future, but that will be her own decision and it probably won't happen any time soon. I think at this particular point, you choices are to continue being in a less than serious and committed relationship with her where you go out occasionally, or you decide to move on and find someone more compatable with your needs and personality.
You should not change who you are for her. Be you. If she doesn't like you for you, then she is not the right person for you. I would consider talking with her about both of your expectations about the relationship, what you want, what she wants, where you both see yourselves in 2 years, 5 years, etc. and if it doesn't match up at all or you are unable to reach a reasonable compromise in order to move forward together, then you need to consider your own future.
She has not gotten over her past. This will always be an issue in your relationship until she confronts it and handles it on her own and not avoid it by drinking. This can be a volitile situation for both of you.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
well last week i had a argument with this women i've been dating. i got upset because she did not pick up when i called or responded to my text messages. i text her that she was cold blooded, to unfriend me on facebook and to find herself someone else. When she got this message she called me back right away, I was angry and told her that i was tired of her not picking up her phone calls and not responding to her text messages. I told her that just to forget it(relation) and for her to do what ever she wanted. She said fine and i hung up. Later that night she send me a text message that she was not perfect and had to improve as well me things about ourselves and to have a good life. I did not respond. Well she unfriend me on facebook and i did not hear from her for several days. Until early this morning she text me wanting to come over my house. I wanted to say no but i really missed her and said yes. Well 2 hours after she text me she called me that she was on her way, she arrived 10 minutes later. I was very happy to see her but tried not to show it, she looked very tired bc she had been out all last night. We talked about the relation and she said she wanted to continue to be friends nothing else. I text and called her today. She did not call back but responded to my text 35minutes later. She text me that she could not see me bc she was with her nephews. I text her if her daughter could take care of them so i could see her bc i was not going to be able to see her tommorrow or all next week bc i had my son. We don't see eachother when there is family because she said not to get family involved in our relation because they get attached. But the odd thing is i have all ready met her daughter, sister and nephews. I don't understand. Well she text me back that it was a bad idea she had come over this morning because she did not want me to think that she wanted to start a relationship. Well why would she of come over to my house in the first place? I really don't know what she wants. She knows i care for her and have told it to her. She just text me that she was sorry and would delete my number. I'm really hurt! I miss her and feel lonely without her. What should i do? I'm 37yrs old and life feels so empty, the grass is no longer green.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
I think that if you are looking for a serious relationship, she is not the one for that. She likes having you on her terms as a friend whenever she feels like it and doesn't want to put any more effort into it. You have to decide if you are ok with that or not and to pay the price of being her convenience just to be able to see her at all. She probably doesn't even know what she wants and expects you to just go along with her. Women are able to cut off a relationship and be "just friends" more than men can and it sounds as though this is what she is doing. When you said you cared for her, that scared her off a bit because she does not want anything serious. So you choices are to continue to be hurt by her and her distance and to just be friends, or to move on. While it may seem painful to move on right now, in the long run it may be the best thing for you. She is jerking you around and not having much care about your feelings. You have to make a difficult choice.
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