Dear Rachael, I have decided not to wait for you to compose your version, because when I started working on it, I discovered more and more complexities. I now realize that you should have my version of your letter in advance, so that you can ask a Brit solicitor online a few of the key questions arising from my approach, and then let him or her take your inquiry further from there. Here's my key question for a solicitor: If your baby's father (I've assumed it's a boy, because a boy would probably have more appeal for his father) swears out and signs an affadavit stating that he BELIEVES he is the baby's father, could he then be held responsible for something some years hence, IF the child is in the UK and needs legal or financial assistance, AND IF the father does not want to accept any responsibilities and therefore argues that he was MISTAKEN about his possible paternity when he signed the affadavit? Would subsequently disputing the veracity of the affadavit enable him to dodge any and all paternal responsibilities without jeopardizing the child's British citizenship and passport?
Now here's my version of the letter, quite a long one.
I mentioned in our last conversation on the phone that I was expecting to be graduated in July, and the arrangements for granting my degree are rapidly approaching completion. After rethinking what you said about needing time before coming to any agreement, I now realize that it's time to come to an agreement now, this month, before the time remaining before my departure gets too short.
[Notice that I'm not giving away WHEN you're going to leave, because I don't want to telegraph him how long he needs to leave the country for this time. I think you should also ask online if you can legally compel the guy to take a DNA test by arriving at his door with a policeman and a court order. You need to know how much power you have if he tries to lie his way out of accepting responsibility, and you know whether there's any chance or not that anyone else could be the father.]
I assume that you don't want to set yourself up for any future financial responsibilities regarding our child or any obligation to meet him face to face or to make or maintain any distant contact unless you should choose to do so voluntarily at a later date. For my part, I do not wish to compel you to accept any responsibility or obligation against your will, because for me to leave this country with an adversarial relationship to you could damage cooperation between us, however minimal it may be, and thus also add unwanted difficulties to our child's future.
These are my highest priorities: 1. to establish an agreement between us that allows you to acknowledge to yourself, to those close to you that know about our child and to me (but not in any other public way) that you may have unintentionally fathered a child, so that you can maintain the respect you want for yourself vis-à-vis all those people who matter to you; 2. to obtain British citizenship and a British passport for our son, so that he is eligible for all the benefits that are rightfully his,. This requires that he was born in the UK and that you either submit a DNA test jointly with our child or submit a legal affadavit that you believe you are the child's father-because your affadavit can substitute for a DNA test to allow a British passport to be issued under the discretion of the passport service; 3. to allow me to give my permission for a husband that I may eventually have to fully adopt my son without requiring your permission, though I do promise I will inform you of that if it should happen; and 4. to increase the likelihood that you would be receptive and respectful if and when our son should desire to contact or even meet you to satisfy his curiosity and settle the meaning to him of having been the accidental son of a British citizen.
I want to make it clear to you that I do not want to trap you in any way to become either publicly, legally or financially responsible for our child. For that reason I have gotten the advice of a British solicitor that the UKBA would exercise its discretion to grant the infant a British passport on the basis of an affadavit from you in lieu of a DNA test. It seems to me that if there were no DNA test, the chances of some question of public, legal or financial responsibility for the boy coming up in this country are very slim. However, it would be wisest for us to meet together with a solicitor, so that we could work out an agreement that would guarantee to you what you want and to me what I want, as well as promising our son the best protection for his future that British citizenship can offer under the present circumstances-namely that we do not have a relationship. I hope you'll consult with a solicitor on your own, so that we're both well prepared to negotiate and sign an agreement that satisfies you and me and provides the best that we can for our son. Then we can part ways again, perhaps even for the last time, with each of us being proud that we have done the best we can by each other and for the child we did not intend to conceive but are taking the best measures we can to shepherd towards a respectable future with confidence in himself, because both of his parents wanted that for him.
[I expect you'll want to discuss many parts of this.]