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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Okay, so here it is. I started a new job at a restaurant as

Customer Question

Okay, so here it is. I started a new job at a restaurant as a chef and im 20 years old. I met this great guy who is a server there(Hes 33). We got to talking and we went out on a date. It was great and awesome. I had the cheezy bufterflies and eveything. For the next week, we saw each other everyday. On our second date, he drove about 1 1/2 hours to see a baseball game of our favorite teams. It was an awesome suprise! I fell asleep at his house for a night and the night after, he was saying stuff like how cold he was because I wasnt there to keep him warm. He started to pick up some shifts that I worked. I teased him saying it was because of me and he just laughed (joking around). After that, we became intimate. But for some reason, we didnt see eachother for a week and we barely talked and I started to think that maybe hes using me for sex. So when i causay mentioned it, he got all quiet and said, "I was under the impression that we were getting to know each other." Made me feel better. Then i pretty much spent 2 weeks straight at his house. Altough, we both went to work and did our thing during the day, We were there at night making dinner and falling aslep til the next day. I was even joking around with him saying that I'm dating a teenage boy who loves his cars(Hes 33 and obesses with cars) Now its back to not seeing eachother and barely talking. I dont know what to think. Im not sure what he wants out of this and how to ask him without downright putting it out there. Is there a clue to what he wants? By the way, we talked one day and he said that, hes only dated 3 girls in the past 10 years ( he not the kind to sleep around) and he was never married. He also said " im looking for perfect and thats impossible to find" I dont know. I really like this guy and I just want to know if Im wasting my time or what. Just trying to figure out what he wants from this. Help?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 4 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a normal young woman and you are trying to move the relationship forward in normal ways. But he doesn't seem to be reciprocating. He's moving in starts and stops; it's rather jerky, as in unstable. And that's a bit unsettling, I can see. And for good reason. It isn't quite the normal way you'd expect from a guy in his early 30s.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. He has given you an explanation for his behavior that would explain what you're describing. I don't think you have to go looking for something more strange about him or his mental health at this point. That he hasn't had a lot of relationships for someone his age would be very natural for someone who's shy and awkward. And that's how it's been going: awkwardly. So that makes sense.

That he's looking for Miss Perfect is a bit worrisome, that's true. You would figure that by the time he got to 30 he would have realized that there is no Miss Perfect just like there isn't any Mr. Perfect! Look at your situation: you're making lots of effort to give him the benefit of the doubt; he's certainly not perfect.

So, again, I don't think you need to look for some deeper mental health problem at this point. He's a perfectionist and he is not looking for perfectionism in himself as much as in who he forms a long term relationship with. That's immature, but then he's shy. And he clearly has a lot of good qualities, because you're very attracted to him still, after all this time.

But to make it work given his personality, you're going to have to continue being both patient and upfront and open. You're going to be the one taking the lead in this relationship. So you need to ask questions when you are in doubt and not feel like you should wait for him to bring things up. You've had good success with him asking him directly and that's what you need to keep doing.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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