Hi Dr. Paige. Im resending the letter and was hoping you could look it over again and that if you still think its a good idea to send. I changed a few things but not much. If so, I'll send it our during the middle of the week, and that will have been 2 weeks with no contact. Thanks!
I hope this letter finds you well. I have never written a letter like this, so I hope my thoughts and feelings come through clearly. Please know that I send this with only the best intentions for both of us. Some are long, some are short. I haven't been the best at expressing my feelings, but I think I deserve to say these things and they deserve to be read.
I know I am far from perfect and the mistakes I've made are my own and no one else's. There are many things I wish I’d said or times I expressed my feelings to you. I cannot go back in time and change anything. I can only learn from them and be a better man.
I am deeply sorry for not including your mother and brother when we ordered food and in all the other things we did. I know how important they both are to you and I am embarrassed. They are as important to you as my mother and sister are to me. I can only hope to make them as much a part of me and us as they deserve.
Through all of this, I was saddened that we never sat down together to talk. I wish you would have included me in your thoughts and we could have talked about how to improve our problems, and turn our weaknesses into strengths. It might sound silly, but I was excited at this idea because I thought it would be really great for us. I still hope we have the chance to say this is what we’re going to do and this is how we’re going to do it. I hope you will consider this letter a first step.
When we got back together last summer, I thought long and hard before we did, but I still didn’t know what I’d do when we got together. When you asked if I wanted to give it another shot, I had no idea what I was going to say. Right before I said anything, I thought....but I love her. For better or worse, I realized then that I’d go through anything for you.
You had said you were afraid of what the future might be like if the same things continued. I want us to face our problems and our fears together. I want us to work together, compromise and meet each other halfway. And I am afraid too, of a lot of things. I am afraid of a life without you. I am afraid that the vision I had of finally meeting your family in the Dominican Republic will never come true. I want to see where you used to play as a kid. I want to meet your Grandfather because I know how much he means to you and your whole family, and I was devastated that I didn’t get to this summer. There are a lot of things I’m afraid of, but I must live like I’m not afraid. I can no longer let it hold me back from the life I want to live and share with you.
Over the summer when I came down with Bells Palsy I had nothing but time and my thoughts. While you were away, all the silliness of everyday life disappeared and I thought only of us. I thought of us laughing and crying together, through the good times and the bad. I thought about what our kids would be like, where would live, how we would grow old together. I thought about how we would pick each other up when the other falls and how we would be the man and woman everyone else wanted to be.
While you were away, I thought we could get a place together. Or I would get my own place and then you’d be able to stay whenever you wanted. I began looking at apartments in Tarrytown and Irvington, since that would still be close to our families and our jobs. I pictured you cleaning the place like crazy while listening to Spanish music. I had planned on asking you when we went to Las Vegas. When you said those dates wouldn’t work, I thought even better! I would you tell you on our 3 year anniversary. I know I have not been the most romantic guy, but I thought this would be.
I honestly don't know if I will ever see you or hear from you again. If you no longer want me in your life, I will understand and I will wish you all the best and happiness in the future. But I will ask you only this...that if this is the end, that it is permanent and final in every way. I know it was never your intention, but I feel as if my emotions and my feelings have been played with. No matter where I would be in my life, I would always be wondering ‘what if’ I didn't send this and this is why I have written to you. I will not think ‘maybe I'll hear from her at some point? Maybe she'll want to get together and talk things through?’ It's either a final goodbye or a new hello. If it is the end, I will accept it and walk away forever. If it is a new beginning, I will see it with new eyes and an open heart. But from this point in my life, I must move on and forward, with or without you.
If the memories we have of each other are only in the past, I will look back on them fondly ***** ***** If we are to make new memories in the future together, I will proudly stand next to you through every one of them.
I opened the door for you on our first date and I hope this opens a new door now.
The moment we met I knew how hard it was to make you laugh. You never fake it and the laugh has to be earned. Whenever I made you laugh I felt so proud because I knew whatever I said or did must have been really funny. So I'll leave you with another laugh and the promise of many more...
The other day I was at the acupuncturist. She took out all the needles and I was on my way. I stopped to buy a cup of coffee and noticed the guy behind the counter was staring at me. Weird, I thought. So I leave and I’m walking and I come to a stop light. Out of the corner of my eye I see a lady looking back and forth at me. So I’m thinking, do I have something on my face? As I’m getting to my car, I see a man and woman walking their dog, and they are staring me down like I stole something. I’m like, ok, what the hell is going on? I get into the car, look into the mirror, and see one huge, enormous needle still sticking out of my neck! That could only happen to me, right?