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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my ex and i just moved toward divorce. I still love her and

Customer Question

my ex and i just moved toward divorce. I still love her and she now has a new boyfriend and said she has moved on and can't talk to me because she is scared and fearful of my reactions. I think she still loves me and we have a 7 year old boy - I have told her my feelings to try again but she says we r done.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You are in a very dire situation and you understand that there are so many things that are not working in your favor.

I do not doubt that she still have love for you, and you share a son which adds to the bond that you have had with her for years.

Something went terribly wrong and she does not want to be with you.

For some reason she is scared of "your reactions". I assume that this means she is afraid that you will physically hurt her, but you did not say. I am trying to interpret what that means.

You must reassure you that she has nothing to fear from you and that you need to communicate because you share a son.

The situation is more complicated because she has a boyfriend and has evidently made a bond with him. Women often wait to make the final separation when they get someone else and are no longer afraid to leave the old relationship.

The situation has evidently reached the legal stage leading up to divorce. That does not mean that things cannot be turned around, but she is already at the edge of the cliff and feels that she will be able to make a soft landing.

The has told you, perhaps repeatedly, that you are done, that she has given up trying.

You have one small hope. It is rather late to try this, but if you can find a marriage and family therapist and tell her you would like her to go to the therapist with you, allegedly to talk about child custody and support, you might get her in the door and then you might have a chance to change things around with the help of a skilled professional.

You understand that this relationship has been unravelling for a long time and your chances are not great to save it. They are not impossible, however, and you might be able to come back from the precipice.

You can find some licensed M & F therapists (LMFT) near you by searching on: and entering your city and state. Look them over carefully.

I wish you success and I shall keep you and your family in my prayers for reunification.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

No i was never about physical abuse - she says " she does not know how to talk to me and is not open for therapy. We separated in Feb 2011 and after 6 months we reunited on her initiative. We had a year good together while living in seperate homes. Then it started unwinding and in April she said I still love you our sexual chemisrty is great but I feel we are different. I treated her to everything and delivered dinners and breakfast and we spent some family time. But she sat on the fence for so long and the harder I tried the more the distance grew. Our son wants us together and I have expressed my deep devotion and want of I just have contact? Or do I try to have a warm friendly relationship?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Wayne,

Thanks for getting back to me. You have painted a much clearer picture of your relationship, and I am glad to know that she is not concerned about your physical reactions. If she says that she is scared and fearful of your reactions then this means that she has already "made up her mind" and is afraid that you will use ration, logic, and love to talk her out of it.

That means that you have the power to change her mind, and she is afraid to change the status quo.

Not knowing her history, I could only begin to guess why she is like this. Often this is a sign of previous abandonment, neglect, or abuse, even as a child. Having this fear, or very low self-esteem, or being in a state of severe depression may be the key to her behavior.

I see now that you are an exceptionally good man and father, and your are doing the right thing in trying to stop this train wreck.

I would try to have a warm friendly relationship if possible. The boyfriend is acting the part of a homewrecker but you are probably best to leave him out of this. If he was gone this would help, but trying to get rid of him would probably make things worse.

If things more even closer to divorce you might try for custodial parenthood, which might make her back off and reconsider.

You will always have a bond with her, and even if it goes to divorce does not mean that your life together is over. I believe that SHE needs therapy but you cannot tell her that. You can only use the most powerful tool that you can - unconditional love.

My prayers are with you, brother.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

All your first paragraphs are dead on - the major issue was her father. He is very wealthy and from Ky. She moved here in 2004 and we soon married after 6 years of long distance and a previous quich marriage on her part in 2003 - "she could not live without me. I have two boys from first that I have custody of.


After our son was born in 2005, she wanted a bigger house. Her father was very controlling of her by giving her money and telling her how to use it she she did not work and I provided. He bough us a house after she complained (somewhat understandably that our house was too small) He bought us a 1.5 million home and told me This is her house, don't paint the walls, don't bring your dogs , don't sell your house cause I'll throw u out if I don't like what is going on.


The house for 4 years while we stayed in mine. But the house was calling and he was pressuring. I obviously was moving there with out rageous conditions and wa wedge formed as my wife(Chrissy) never sttod on my side and refused to talk to her dad about my trepiditions. She finally oved there in 2011 the initial separation. I explained the histroy consequential to tha. Over the last tow years she would say "I don't know how to bridge the gap betws you two" She acknowledged that her and I were in a rock and hard place and was immobilized by it. I begged her to talk to her or I would and she would always stone wall it. "You're going to give hima heart attack" Eventualyl it eroded recently and she said that and other factors contributed such as my moods. I explained that I was running into the barbed wire fenc you sitting on and could not reach you to simply put our family first. I was immersed in frustration. She always said I can't talk to you becasue you are so good with words and l always come out on top.


My MO is shutdown and not speak to her out of self preservation. But I try and remind her of the beauty we had in bond and love and sex.





Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Wayne,

Now you reveal more.

She tells you that she cannot bear to hear you because you speak the truth but her mind is already made up. She has the power of her father's money behind her and his notion that she can do what she wants.]

I understand now why you shut down. You can contact with her but do not attempt to use your intellectual intelligence and incisive words to change her mind. She will resist you.

Instead, use your emotional intelligence: kindness, body language, love for your son - to win her over.

She has her father inside of her, and perhaps his dominating personality as well. If you cannot move her then you will have to let her go because she already has the inertia and may be impossible to stop.

If you continue to give her your all without provoking her then you will never have any self-recriminations, knowing you have gone all the way doing the right things.

Yes, it is very sad, but if you do not succeed, there will be life and happiness in the future. There always seems to be, for everyone.

I hope you succeed and know you will do your best.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So final reply for me and I appreciate your help.


Is less more in contact? Obviously just keeping to the communication for our son. You are right she alwats says she cant talk because she can't listen to me and know that I make sense and communicate so well. You r right she shuts down.


Is it time to truly move on? I felt like she took everything I had to give and gave minimal while fence sitting.


My last correspondance to her was that I only want to remember the beauty in our relationship and let go of all else and that I hope one day she has an epiphany.


Do know if anything else needs to be said as far as us?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Wayne,

Sorry for taking so long. A line of clients were subsequently ahead of you.

You said it beautfully. I am very sad for this potential outcome. She just MAY have that epiphany. God willing she will.

You will be seeing her because of your son. Be quietly friendly but stay aloof. Let he determine the conversations. Don't challenge her when you don't agree. Sometimes when the other person doesn't respond we can hear the inappropriateness of what we have just said.

Pray for a breakthrough. You have my prayers as well.

I wish you the best successes possible.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I greatly approeciate your advice my gut tells me u r right on all.


FYI she has been in therapy for years one therapist to another. I tried to enlighten her but it did not work. Almost as if she was unreachable from my words.


I assume by your advice no more texts and remain distant and cordial when face to face for our son and good night phone calls. While I deeply love her I lost a lot of respect and "liking" of her allowing this happen while straddling - DOes she really know the truth and why I was frustrated and moody from her constant fickleness? One last response and I will wish you well and seek u in the future. You are excellent and honest with great acumen

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Wayne,

Yes. I agree. Keep it cordial but distant. If she needs you she will seek you out. She cannot hear what she does not want to hear. That is denial and he denies what you clearly see. You are the messenger shot.

Either she does not know your frustration and cannot see it, or she is a narcissist and creates your moods through her fickleness, in order to control you. I can't tell from here, but you seem to be healing aleady because you now see her in a different light and lost respect and affection for her. This is a healing process that will allow you to get through this is the apparent inevitable termination goes through.

Best to you, my friend.


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