I've been back from the trip for about a week and due to all of your help, I thought I'd give you update. Unfortunately, the trip did not go as I had originally hoped. We got along just fine, though it was clear from the outset, she did not see this trip as a way to reconnect. Though we had a lot of great times, she was also very rude and snotty towards me for absolutely no reason. We didn't hold hands once, she didn't ask for any pictures taken together or anything. But this trip was more of an adventure than a vacation, and for two people looking to reconnect, this was probably the worst place in the world to go. If I could predict the future, I would have booked a trip to Hawaii or Tahiti. This was always my trip, and contained many things that she would never do on her own. On the 7 day boat trip, she was not able to contact her family, no internet, walking through animal poop all day, trying to fall asleep on a boat that was literally walking sideways. I like those things, and she loathes them. She was very stressed and I could tell she tried to get me into a few silly arguments that I managed to avoid. At one point she said she was extremely hurt because she had never been so ignored by anyone before, referring to me on the trip. I'm pretty sure the boat made her delusional because I certainly didn't. I did my best to read her body language and because she wasn't inviting of any affection, I did not follow in her footsteps like a puppy. In fact, I am more proud of myself for the way I acted those 12 days than anything else in my life. I truly did my best. I truly did my best. I was understanding, friendly, funny, had the patience of a Saint. I was literally the best version of myself every minute of the trip.
The conditions were also tough on me, but knowing they were far tougher on her, I held it together. I really feel a lesser person would have just blown up on her and cursed her out. By the time we got back, I had completely accepted that the relationship was over and I was fine with that (she also made sure that I heard her refer to my as her ex-boyfriend). I developed the mindset that she didn't deserve to be with me, and I certainly didn't deserve to be with someone like that. So by the time we landed, I had moved on emotionally and mentally. She said she would contact be about giving me the check for the trip, and I was pretty confident we would never see each other again. Which I was fine with.
Since then she has gotten in contact a few times. Asking how I was doing, wishing me a belated birthday (yep, she seemed to even forget that). She also said that she felt we left things awkward and that she felt very bad about how things went on the trip. To me, what things aren't awkward the last time see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. She asked if I wanted to get together to talk. I agreed, not because I really want to, but mainly because regardless of everything, I will not give her any reason to place any blame on me. So I didn't hear from her for a few days (she forgot my birthday and said sorry, she's been in her own little world). She got in touch yesterday saying she was getting the vibe I didn't want to talk to her. I replied that I never said that, and she shouldn't judge my vibe based on text messages. She asked if I was available on Thursday, andI told her I might be going on another week long trip, and she said please let me know when you get back or maybe we can meet before on Tuesday.
I honestly am done with trying to predict what shes feeling or thinking, maybe you could get a better read. I don't know what she wants to talk about, if she wants to be friends (which I will politely decline) or she just wants to talk to clear the air for her, so she doesn't feel bad. After all, its been 6 weeks since she initially said she wanted to break up, and now she finally wants to talk. Though given, that trip was the last time and place to have any type of relationship talk. I promised myself after the trip I would not contact her under any circumstances, and that if anything happened at all (whether big or small) would have to come from her. To me, when I dropped her off that was the last time I'd ever see her, but now she wants to get together. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions or advice?