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I feel that I think to much in my relationship with my husband,

I feel that...
I feel that I think to much in my relationship with my husband, he will be talking with maybe his trucking partner or someone else making arrangements for all of us and I get in my head that he can do better without me or maybe he actually doesn't want me there but I know its not true. but than he does things that don't help, like stop wearing his wedding ring, I see most of the truckdrivers wear them, when he gets in the truck he takes it off saying it gets hung up on the boxes and now for the past 2 weeks he took his ring off at home and never put it on, he said he took it off when we went on the boat not to lose it but he never bothered putting it back on even after I asked him about it, now when he goes out on the road to work with his partner, he really doesn't want to bother calling me anymore, and if he does he is usually than talking to his partner where I usually tell him I will let him go since he is busy, he doesn't seem to want to be bothered with me anymore but than he tells me its all in my head and that I thinking stupid again, and also when he is home for the to days we spend every minute together without fighting or bickering we are just like a loving couple and now the lastest thing he doesn't want to call me anymore he would prefer to text me when he has time instead of calling he says that way his partner wont hear what he says and we wont argue on the phone in front of him. I sometimes feel like he doesn't appreciate me that he is just using me for a maid service that he doesn't think of me as sexy, he is constantly looking at porn (videos on computer, dvd and magazines) he has recently got more interested in sex, he bought pills, the first day they work good keep a good stiff hard on for 3 days and the next week when he took it they didn't even work, what should I be thinking, I feel so depressed and miserable like he doesn't love me any more that he is just using me, but I do love him from the bottem of my heart. there was one time when he came home said I didn't turn him on anymore, I suggested maybe finding another women and having sex with my knowledge, I mentioned to him that I would ask a friend of ours he got very excited and said to make sure he wasn't in the house when I asked but I know he was hoping, to this day I will bring up that reaction and to this day he will always say that it was all me and not him which was not true, he likes to have people talk to him about there problems but he wont have me talk to him about my problems he says that they continue on, I asked to to read some of my counseling notes of what I told counslers and what they told me and when he started reading he might see a part about him get mad and stop reading now when I ask him he changes the subject or ignores me, what should I think about all this
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Answered in 8 minutes by:
7/5/2013
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified

Dr. Norman Brown :

Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart. Well, you've said quite a bit.

Dr. Norman Brown :

The fact that you're a loving couple for 2 days when he's home off the road is a really good sign.

Customer:

we have been married for 17 years

Dr. Norman Brown :

I was just going to ask that. I've been marriede 27 years and I know that pasion comes and goes in marriage.

Customer:

what can I do about it, it really bothers me, but not to the point of leaving the marriage

Dr. Norman Brown :

I think the txting is a good idea (tho it's illegal in some states because of distraction from driving) because it's really wierd to be talking to your wife with your buddy right there--or to your buddy with your wife right there. Husband/wife conversations are best kept completely private, because the feeling within a marriage needs to be contained so it keeps its power of "we-ness."

Dr. Norman Brown :

If the "it" that bothers you is his viewing of porn, that is a serious problem in many marriages.

Customer:

oh it would never be when he was driving, but I miss him so much that I like to hear his voice, I have asked him to at least send me a quick text or message before he goes to bed, that is the first thing I look at when I get up to see if he had called, and nothing,

Dr. Norman Brown :

Now the part about suggesting he could have sex with another woman was a really BAD idea. Some men will cheat without permission from their wives, and onlhy need permission from their buddies. For a wife to invite her husband to have sex with someone else is opening a door that I think you should close again.

Customer:

the porn doesn't really bother me, I was just describing everything, I miss him and like to hear from him, so now I cant even hear his voice, I can only read his messages when he decides to text me

Dr. Norman Brown :

Porn viewing can be very corrosive IF it takes away from his desire for you. But if it doesn't do that, you don't need to worry about what fantasies he may entertain at times during your love-making, anymore than he needs to worry about what fantasies you might entertain at times when you're making love to increase your own excitement--and the final approach&take-off to orgasm is an inward-focused experience for both man and woman. That's why it's so unusual for couples to be able to make orgasms happen simultaneously.

Customer:

he tells me that all he wants is a loving wife well that is all I want is a loving husband doing little things to let me know that he is thinking of me, and I mean little things things that would not take up to much of his time and he cant even do that, if we do tal it may be for 10 15 mins because I end the conversation because he would be driving, I understand what you say about texting is good because its between us but how do I overcome missing him, I keep myself busy but I still think of him and miss him and when I hear from him it fills a void for me

Dr. Norman Brown :

I assume you are raising children, and that would make it harder for you to find things to do when he's gone that are so NOVEL and fascinating for you that you forget to think about him--except perhaps when you're lying down to sleep, or slowing down to eat your dinner, or when you have a thought or feeling that you really wish you could share with him right then.

Customer:

no children

Dr. Norman Brown :

It is unfortunate that so much of your time must be spent apart, and it's wonderful that he WANTS to spend the two days with you all the time. The natural solution to your problem of missing him is that you need to find work, artistic project(s) and/or personal development that you can pretty much ONLY do when he's not around, that is you need to have a life that you Look Forward to when he's going to be away on the road. My wife makes jewelry that she sells on the Internet. I love to write--thoughts, stories, poetry, music.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Have you read the recent book Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander, MD? In this neurosurgeon's experience of heaven while he's in a coma for 7 days he is guided somewhat by a young woman he's never met, who is somehow his connection to the God that is everywhere around him, but not anywhere near his size or even visible. This is exactly what Carl Jung found to be two of the main "archetypal symbols" of the human personality: A man has a female image inside of himself that guides him toward the divine presence within and all around him, and this person also "mates" with him to produce his creative offspring. So this female side is NOT his earthly wife, but a spiritual being, and she generates his creativity and the psychospiritual personality development that arises and leads toward the divine nature in us all.

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
1,207 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

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