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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi My partner of 8 years left 3 months ago, after I asked

Customer Question


My partner of 8 years left 3 months ago, after I asked him to go. He had been distant for a while, yet told me everyday he loved me, we never argued always laughed. we always talked about how lucky we were, we had been friends for 30 years. I had 4 children from a previous marriage that he totally adored. I had got us into debt, but he never talked about it. Since he left I have heard that he had been having an affair, although he has not actually told me.
A week after he left he asked to come and collect some stuff from the house, I was warm, friendly and so were the children, I said nothing about knowing. (even though his sister had plastered things all over facebook).
I since then have asked him to come and get his last few belongings and he was quite snotty with me, we have not had contact since.
He has stopped talking to the children, he has been really cruel in what he has been saying trying to blame me.. we have a house, mortgage together but yet he has disappeared, he doesnt see our friends.
My partner had been cheated on many moons ago and it devestated him, I cant believe that he would hurt and betray me in this way. My man has never been able to talk about his feelings, I was always the strong one. I used to ask him if he was happy, we had a good life, but since his 43rd birthday he kept saying he was getting old, and became very miserable... I am so confused I love him so much.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am sorry for your pain and regret. Your partner was perhaps going through a crisis of depression which you could not bear and despite the fact that he was doing his best, you sent him away.

He probably needed your support and was not cheating on you. He was a good family man.

You took that family away from him by asking him to leave. It is natural that he has to distance himself from the children. You should not expect him to do otherwise. It is a matter of self-preservation and not meanness on his part.

You cannot blame him for trying to fill the big hole in his life. He is dating, or seeing someone; calling it "having an affair" implies he may be cheating. He has nobody to cheat on.

By plastering this information on Facebook his sister is probably doing it to stick up for her brother. She is probably very upset with you for having asked him to leave.

If he feels that you have stabbed him in the back you cannot expect him to be cheerful, as if nothing happened. He is very hurt.

If you want him back you will have to make amends and apologies and somehow make it up to him. He will be wary of you because he now knows what you are capable of, and he does not want another trip "under the bus".

If you do manage to get to talk to him (and I know it is hard because he is not a talker), you might try to go to a relationship counsellor with him. You might even start yourself so that you understand how this happened and how you can prevent it from happening again with him - or with anyone in the future.

I shall keep the both of you, and your children (who have suffered from this as well) in my prayers and wish you the wisdom and calm perseverance it will take to fix this.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
What I had not explained was that my partner had not wanted sex with me for 14 months. I loved and looked after him. I always asked in a nice way if everything was ok. He had every opportunity to open up to me. I loved him unconditionally always had done. He knew that. I never once looked for anyone to fill my void I always believed my husband/partner would know that I was here for him to come to when he was ready. When we had the disagreement. He said that he was only happy at work. He was cold and had just emotionally shut off from me. I want him home so badly. But I don't know what to do. Help me please. I don't want to ring him, I just don't know what else to do.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear friend

Thank you for telling me the rest of the story - the very significant part of it. It seems that he fell out of love with you and perhaps was having an affair on the side.

He did not have the courage to leave you and perhaps pushed you into asking him to leave. A spurned woman can only take so much until she reacted.

If you hadn't asked him to leave he might still be there, and still trying to get out of the relationship. You gave him the opening he was lookin for and now he is gone.

The only way you can know for sure is to contact him. You are very afraid of rejection, but you must find out. One way or the other the truth will set you free.

If you don't you will just remain in limbo - in misery. Bad news is better than constantly worrying about bad news. Who knows? He might respond positively.

The ball is really in your court now and you should make your contact. I will keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,'


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