Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
A 24 yo male chose to intern with me for his PA clinicals. I am a male pediatrician in my 70s. He was a patient in my practice but I was unfamiliar with him. To my surprise, I gradually developed an extreme & intense liking to him and dreamt of a sexual relationship. I approached him about my feelings and he responded that he is heterosexual (with a girlfriend) but wanted to maintain friendly relationship with me. I was of course very upset I when I got home and caught me when he called. He reassured me that he was happy we were friends and that he didn't think of me less. BTW, he often calls me and sends me emails. He often invites me for dinner but I have felt very uncomfortable because of my feelings for him as I want a more intimate relationship. I think of him eternally and his presence in my office made my day everyday. Now he is gone and my yearning for him has intensified. I have gotten more depressed as well. I want to rid myself of my emotions but am having a difficult time doing it.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I can hear the intensity of your feelings for this man. I also hear your acknowledgment that he is heterosexual. But the longing still exists.....
Have you been in relationships with men before or is this your first longing?
As you say he filled your every day by being in the office.
I hear a yearning with a deeper connection with another....please tell me a bit more about you so we can work through these feelings.
I see you are offline so I will wait to hear from you to talk more.
I was seduced by a male 21 yo 40 years ago and had a relationship without anal sex. Am currently married and still in practice.
Always attracted to good-looking men.
Do you still feel deeply connected in your marriage or are you longing for that closeness with another
See many of them in my practice but have never approached or molested any of these teenagers.
My marriage has been platonic for a while.
I am happy to hear that. Do you feel that your urges are more in line with something inappropriate or you desire to have a relationship with another man.
I don't feel my urges are are appropriate and feel the desire to be close to another male like my intern who is very caring and concerned about me.
I mean inappropriate
thank you for that clarification.
Although there is this ocean of age difference
It sounds to me that you have had these feelings for many years and as they remain pretty much unexplored your desire is for that closeness with another man.
I can hear the loneliness as well now that he is out of the office.
Have you thought about seeking out a relationship with a man...maybe more in line age wise that you would connect to on the level you desire?
i imagine your wife is unaware of this in you?
I have always tried to repress these libidinous promts my whole life.
yes I can hear that and that must be incredibly difficult for you
And I also hear that it is more than just the sexual aspect of it but for the deep closeness that you might share with another man
Very very difficult. Especially when I examine a well-endowed and handsome teenager
we are talking about men or underage boys?
Let me tell you that
the male teenagers who prefer to see don't seem to notice my inclinations. Most of them stay in the practice through college. Good for my pocket but disastrous for my psyche!
if we are talking about urges for underage kids then i will be suggesting that you get into treatment. I am a bit confused when you say teenagers.
Don't get me wrong -
I don't entertain my thoughts except for those 18 yo and older.
yes but if the urges are there for younger boys then I am still recommending you seek some help to sort through this
OK, I can get along with that. But my current situation is causing me enormous emotional angst.
Can we just how to handle that from now on?
I understand. These urges seem a bit inappropriate and so it is disturbing your psyche as you are left unfulfilled.
unless you truly understand the reasons behind these urges you will be left feeling devastated.
When you are not connecting with your wife and that relationship has been platonic then it shows me there is a lot of stuff for you to work through. This sounds different than you coming here to say you would like to meet a man of appropriate age.
And since you have the seduction in your history many years ago, it strongly suggests these feelings have not been worked through and continue to drive you now.
I still don't un derstand why the 24 yo has affected me so intensely. He's around giving me calls and sending me emaila which I would wish now he stops doing.
He feels friendship for you and respects you for your stewardship in your practice.
I would like to switch my mind off thinking about him but am havening a tough time.
it is intense for you because these urges and feelings are intense.
hard to switch it off just because you want to....the way to do that is to truly understand all of the issues behind all of it that lay buried within you for many years
So you're suggesting psychoanalysis?
Or supportive psychotherapy....anything that will give you a safe place to explore these feelings.
I am sure you have many you can turn to, but I can help you locate someone if you would like my help.
This forum here can only go so far and I want you to have the place to explore all of this and not be bottled up inside
I have accepted his friendship and still frequently invites for dinner
but I have started I have started to refuse those invites because he drives me crazy.
I can see how difficult it is for you to focus here and not revert back to his friendship or your feelings....again indicating to me the need for a deeper exploration of all of this.
would you like help in locating someone?
I feel creating distance from will help me forget the situation.
maybe from him but not from these unexplored feelings and they will continue to be there for you
Can I help you locate someone for you to see for therapy?
I live in northern Westchester county, NY. Do you know anyone there?
Can you give me a minute? I am familiar with that area and need to look up some colleagues to see if they are in the area still. I am still online while I am checking for you
what town up there?
Somers, Bedford, Mt. Kisco, Katonah, Yorktown
You definitely recommend him knowing my problem? And what
or how do I handle the intern regarding the friendship?
I believe you begin by placing a call and having a consultation to see how you feel and if you feel safe enough to explore whatever you need to explore.
I think that keeping a bit of distance and keeping it professional is a good way to go as you mentioned above. it wont take away your feelings magically, only working through them in the right space will give you that opportunity
So no more dinner dates or driving around in old convertibles that we both like?
it sounds to me that those moments are difficult for you so why put yourself through it.
work through it as i suggested....that will get you the best chance of feeling okay about all of it
You are a smart man and have treated people for your career so you know what is needed to care for yourself
I hope they still accept new patients. My patients are expressing difficulty getting a therapist.
I am hoping too. If not come back to me here and we will look again.
I hope the therapist you recommended are still accepting patients.
Let me know if they arent
so in the meantime take care of yourself and please call the therapists. Please follow up with me if you need to.
If you would take a moment to offer a rating of my time with you I would appreciate it. My goal is always excellent support.
White Plains, New York 1060
one more for you
Are you able to provide that rating for me now?
when you provide the rating you will get a transcript of our time together so you dont have to write these names down
How do I follow up with you?
when you want to come back put for CoachjenK only at the beginning of your question and it will come to me