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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi! Thank u in advance for ur insight. its harder to see and

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Hi! Thank u in advance for ur insight. its harder to see and understand when one is looking on the inside, verses a non biased opinion from the out. I want to ask u to help give me insight on what the dynamics are responsible for this type behavior from a man I dated 3 mos. so here goes.
Background, we are both 51, keep ourselves up, he has been married twice, and divorced, me once. Both of us have what kids today call " have it going on" . Meaning we both keep ourselves fit, and still " look good" we both hang out, and have friends, younger, some older. I know, it sounds like Vanity, and it is. We both were attracted to each other, mentally and physically. In other words, had a lot in common, and very social.
I am a hospice nurse, he is an executive that commutes from Florida, to Colorado every week for work. Then we live 1.5 hrs apart in south Fla.

I met him online over a year ago, talked on the phone, several times, but never made def plans to meet. Every few mos. out of the blue, he would text to see how I was. Either he or I over the course of a year, was dating someone, then we just so happen to hit it right, where we both were not dating anyone. I sort if gave him the ultimatum,either we meet, or get over it!
He came to my town, we met, had a blast right off! In a abt 2 weeks, he texted wanted to go out again. I liked him, but honestly was rebounding from the last guy. I didn't put a whole lot of effort in, but agreed.
Went out again, had a blast! mainly spent time talking, getting to know a little more about each other. The days that followed, we texted, sent funny things back and forth etc.
After a month, of seeing each other,I was upfront, and said I liked to be honest, and shoot straight from the hip,and said exactly what I was hoping to attain, and that was a real relationship based on honesty and respect.
He was likewise honest, and said he didn't feel he was in the position to be in a real relationship, becuz of his travels with wrk, and having custody of his son on weekends.
He added he wasn't on any dating sites anymore either.
One minute, he was saying, hey I'm available, the next, why he wasn't. He also stated how much he liked me as a person, was incredibly( his words) attracted to me, and thought we had so much in common. I thanked him for his honesty, but told him, I liked him too, felt the exact same thing, but that's not what I wanted. I ended things in a nice way.
Abt two mites later, I'm "out there" on a date with another man, when I get a text from him, asking what I was up to? I was taken aback, then a little angry, after I had ended things only days before.
At that point, I told him to bugger off, per text . Next day, another text, same thing, ignoring what I had said. I knew this was an educated man,who should know better, unless for some reason, he had thought abt it,and decided to give it a go. He eased his way back in, with humor.
He comes back to My town,we go out, he sends pictures of his kids, text me or called every morning, weekday or weekend. And no he was divorced, I cked the vital records.
Anyway, we clicked, said one time he thought we were genetically the perfect fit and match.
Blah blah.
Now we r at 3 mos, and I'm wondering why he hasnt asked me to come up to his neck of the woods, even though no exclusivity was ever mentioned.
And I noticed him starting the hot/ cold thing. Although he texted or called on Sat. Eve s when I was going out with friends,I could get in touch if I wanted to.there wasn't that hours thing where he didn't respond.Most weekends were spent with the son, or going to the beach house.
This last weekend, he was going away for golf outing,with buddies, when I proceeded to tell him, I didn't feel he was making me a priority, which he apologized for, and said he knew that, but with wrk, family vacation, and shoulder surgery next month he couldn't see how it was fair to me, as it wouldn't be much of a relationship.He said he didn't see things changing in the next few mos. I ended it again, now angry I felt he had led me on, and lost respect, as he knew what I really wanted.
Two days go by, he texted me from Vegas, sent more pics like I had never ended things. back to doing, what I started complaining about, which was connecting emotionally then disconnecting. needless to say, I didn't respond, for days, when on Tuesday, I had enough!
I asked him what was wrong with himself, and said how dissapointed I was in his character and lost respect for him. While attending business meetings, he texted back saying he wasn't able to have a normal relationship, much less a long distance one, that we had a real connection, and hoped we cud remain friends," if that was what was needed" and at the very least, to keep in touch.
I knew exactly what that meant, and declined the offer on both saying I needed to go,
To which he ended saying have a great night on ur hot date?..
Insight plzz!!
Hello. It sounds to me as though this is a man who is used to getting what he wants when he wants it and doesn't have much ability to understand how his actions are effecting another individual. I might guess that this may be the reason that his marriages ended in the past as well. His priorities come first, his feelings come first and that's that. He probably genuinely has no clue at all that he is doing this and that his inability to have a connection with someone deeper than for his own needs completely eludes him as being a problem.
Another thing to consider is how vastly different men and women are and how each sex handles situations. Women hold on to things, look into every detail of actions and try to attach meaning to it, analyze it all and try to determine logic to it all. Men don't work in this way. They looks at things very linear and in the moment. To him, whatever happened on one day does not effect the next day or the next week and it is forgotten about. He looks at the fun you both had and remembers it because it made him feel good. After you ended things, the seriousness or finality of it had no bearing on him. How you looked at the ending of the relationship, he looked at it as much less of the ending of a relationship and more of like, I'll see you later kind of mentality. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is, he has no idea what he is doing to you. He doesn't understand that his actions have the consequences that they are even though you have explained it to him, it just isn't getting through. It's just his personality. He has probably never been made to face problems that he causes in his past. I would guess his childhood consisted of a mother who was overprotective of him and shielded him from blame.
For some reason, I was forced to end my answer where I did, so I will continue if You give me a few minutes...
So, I am guessing by your question that you have already decided to end it with this guy and are just looking for insight into his behavior after the fact. I think you are right to do this because at his age, I do not see much of a change in his behavior without some significant work on the relationship which may involve counseling if he is not able to gain understanding with your help and probably a lot of frustration.
If you do decide that you would like to retain a friendship on some level with him, at least now you have an understanding of his pattern of behavior.
He was probably honest with you up front from the beginning about not having the time or ability to have a relationship. For whatever reason, maybe a moment of emotional weakness, he determined that maybe he could try it out, but regretted the decision. He felt too guilty or just felt like it wouldn't matter too much if he just continued his normal daily behavior and priorities and hoped you would just stick around at his convenience. Putting effort into a relationship may not be something he has ever done.
In my experience, this is what I would imagine is going on with him. I'm certain that in his mind, you are the one who is confusing him and you are the one who made the mistakes. This is typically the response from someone who deflects responsibility and I feel this is the type of person he is.
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