Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

Hi There! Im in a close and intimate relationship with

Hi There! I'm in a close...
Hi There!

I'm in a close and intimate relationship with a very attractive and sweet woman, only my second such relationship and I'm 50-ish. She's younger than me and has had many boyfriends in the past, but never married. About three months after we met and started getting serious I found out that she was in a hotel room with another guy—she claims he's an ex-boyfriend. Then a few months later I went on a trip and found out that she had gone out with two other guys while I was away--she claims they are “friends.” I saw one of these friends leaving her apartment one night. I don't know any of these guys--they may be just “friends” but I don't know for sure. Another time she told me she was “shopping” when in fact she was apparently with some guy at a bar. There may have been many more incidents like these, I'm just not sure, but I know that she communicates with other male friends and ex-boyfriends.

I have given her the benefit of the doubt, cut an awful lot of slack but needless to say this has really caused a lot of mistrust and angst. I have continued to see her and we've now been hanging out for two-and-a-half years. We usually see each other only about three or four days a week for a few hours but I think we have some really great chemistry, we like each other and have fun together. She has told me directly that she is not interested in getting married or living together.

I would like to go on another trip and visit my brother and I'm worried that she will see other guys when I'm away. She has told me that she wants the freedom to see other guys “for coffee” and when I question her about it she says that I sound like her parent and makes me feel guilty for asking questions.

So I need some advice. What do I do about the mistrust? What about her desire to see other guys for “coffee”? And what do I do when I ask her questions, like what she's doing and who she's with, and she then scolds me for sounding like her parent?

Thanks.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 9 minutes by:
6/26/2013
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,879
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Verified
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

If you are bothered by your girlfriend's relationships with these men, there is reason to do something about it. When you are in a relationship that is exclusive, that is you are just seeing each other, then it is fine to assume that you are the only person your partner is interested in. But if your girlfriend is seeing her ex's and other men, that is a message that you are not the only one in her life.

While it is fine for your girlfriend to have male friends, she needs to include you as part of her relationships with them. And at this point, she is not. She is seeing these men on the side and while you are gone, which sends the message that these are separate, possibly intimate, relationships.

It is ok to talk to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with her actions. Tell her it's fine to have relationships with men, but that you prefer she sees these men with you around. And if she tries to scold you or basically tell you that you have no right to tell her what to do, then you may want to reconsider this relationship. She is not as invested in it as you are or want to be.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate










May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any other questions, please let me know.

Kate
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Well what if she doesn't want to include me as part of her relationship with other men? What if she wants to have coffee with an ex-boyfriend or male friend to "catch up" and doesn't want me around?

Then you need to decide your comfort level with that situation. She is not considering your feelings here and that is not good in a relationship, at least one where you want any substance. So you can either start dating others and see her when you want, or accept her terms and just try to ignore the behavior as much as you can. It is not easy, I know. But unless she is willing to change, she is not giving you much choice.

Kate
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Thanks for your reply. I'll ask one last question.


 


I would like to focus on the issue of mistrust. If I'm going on a trip, because of past experiences I'll be constantly wondering and worrying whether or not she's seeing other guys while I'm away. What can I do specifically to solve this problem? How can we build trust, assuming she's willing to cooperate?

If she is willing to cooperate, then rebuilding trust is easier. She would have to give up her male relationships and be willing to allow you to contact her anytime you are away. It would take time, but it is very possible to regain trust. But if she is not willing, then it will not be possible to rebuild trust. You cannot trust someone who puts their own needs first and doesn't focus on your needs at all.

Kate
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Great answer, thanks. I'll give a 5 for that!

Thank you! I am glad I could help. And thank you ahead of time for the high rating. If you do have any difficulty rating, just let me know.

My best to you,
Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,879
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Verified
TherapistMaryAnn and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Can I ask a follow-up question on a separate thread?

Yes, that is fine. You just need to remember to rate the answer, just as you did on this thread.

 

Kate

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

When I start a new thread with you do I have to pay again? Or will it be covered under this thread?

You would need to rate again with a new thread.

Kate
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I just asked you another question on another thread. It's a similar question with a slightly different angle--probably the way I should have asked it to begin with--so if you can answer I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5,879
5,879 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

TherapistMaryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

5,879 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
A girl I was dating broke up with me via text. She wants to
A girl I was dating broke up with me via text. She wants to stay friends. We only dated for 2 months. I care for her. I don't mind staying friends as I had not developed any serious emotions. How do I… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
Yea i just want to know if my finance is talking to
yea i just want to know if my finance is talking to different girl … read more
Schuyler
Schuyler
1,944 satisfied customers
I am having serious problems with my adult (35) daughter,
I am having serious problems with my adult (35) daughter, who is married (husband not working) and has a child, 2 1/2. I had a bad marriage/bitter divorce and this adult daughter (who was 18 then) sho… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
We talked before about my situation and i just wanted to
Hey so we talked before about my situation and i just wanted to give you a update on whats going on now.So since the last time we talked me and her saw each other. We ended up spending an entire weeke… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I was dumped about 4 months ago. After the first 3 weeks we
I was dumped about 4 months ago. After the first 3 weeks we were trying to talk it out and then I said that I wanted him back. Then he stopped communicating with me all together. I saw him at a party … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I dated this guy for two months and I thought it was going
I dated this guy for two months and I thought it was going great until he stopped trying to make plans to see me. When we did make plans he almost always cancelled on me or had some excuse. So I asked… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
Kind of new with this but do you usually get that feeling
Kind of new with this but do you usually get that feeling something isn't right with that person from the git go when they have the stalker tendecies? I mean i was stalked before and it was a pretty s… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
5,879 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I broke up because he was unfaithful. We
second opinion] My boyfriend and I broke up because he was unfaithful. We decided to restore our relationship. I broke up with him again and he thinks he did no wrong and dont understand that it wasnt… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I have three hours of audio from a disagreement between
Hi, I'm Luke. I have three hours of audio from a disagreement between myself and my son's mother Jamie. We need help. I haven't been able to properly ask for advice from friends and family because she… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master of Science Degree
7 satisfied customers
I've been married for 10 years 2 kids under 9. My husband's
Hi I've been married for 10 years 2 kids under 9. My husband's family has been extremely abusive verbally to me and controlling. They go over my husband and he doesn't want to see people for what they… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I'm in a distance relationship that is falling a part.
Hi I'm in a long distance relationship that is falling a part. Actually its engagement not relationship. I'm 27 years old Iraqi woman and he's 37 years old Egyptian man, we met while working for Inter… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2,
My daughter won't let me see my granddaughter, who is 2 1/2, for the last six months. My time up until then with the baby was very restricted by them. They brought the child to visit family living nea… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks
My boyfriend has been working 2 jobs for the last 6 weeks (he's got the second job only to help his family) Before that our relationship was amazing... but now he's tired and stressed all the time. He… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone,
How do you know if you are in love or if you love someone, and how do you know if they love you? (Hypothetical). I have felt love - romantic love, and love of family, or friends. Can you tell? If you … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
169 satisfied customers
I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I
Hello. I started dating a man I met online, about 3 months ago. I insisted on taking the physical aspect slowly, since I do not take that lightly He has been compleunderstanWe talk every day and he te… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no
What does it mean when a married man is saying he had no idea what he was doing he wasn't trying to hurt you he didn't know what an emotional affair meant or was and I had to explain that was what was… read more
Dr Ted Manos
Dr Ted Manos
Self Employed
MD
762 satisfied customers
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3
My question is - I have been dating very casually for 3 years a man who comes and goes. We only see each other once a month or sometimes not even. We have a great time together however it is going now… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
How to get a leo man back. Well, i like a guy once ive been
Well, i like a guy once ive been knowing him for so long and i tried to see if he was ready for a relationship … read more
Mary Baker
Mary Baker
Owner
BA
6 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x