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Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Ive been dating a women for over a month now. Her and me knew

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I've been dating a women for over a month now. Her and me knew each other back in High school. We were only friends back then. Well after we graduated, i lost touch with her. Well, I saw her again probably 4 years ago. We chatted for a while and i did not know of her again until we connected on social network were we had contact again. We text each other and then made a date to see one another. Well, we saw each other again after many years. She looked very pretty and well kept. I greeted and hugged her and soon we left to dinner. Well we made a real connection and since have been dating. Now i like her very much but sometimes i feel she wants to be left alone. I'm not sure why. She has told me she likes me very much and can see me being married with her. Well every thing in the relation seems good, just that feeling when i call her, she's not wanting to talk to me. I'm not sure why? I feel like some times she does not want to be with me. But then she will call or text me that she misses me or that she wants to see me. Well she recently about 8mo ago was engage to get married, but has cheated on and call off the engagement. She tells me she does not want to be good anymore bc it got her no where. I tell her now that she has me and she should not think like that. It takes a while to sink in but she agrees. Well what might be causing these distance spurs between us and will this relationship really last? I don't want to loose her.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA. I have read tyour question and am so sorry that you are in distress about this. Can you tell me why this woman is the one and only one for you? and moreover if she is posing "distance" between the two of you, does that make her more desireable to you? Let me know and in the interim, so sorry for your pain and all my warmest and best wishes to you. Cathy

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I think she is the only women for me because we get along very much. We have many things in common, though she tends to be more outgoing than i. This distance makes me kind of upset and miss her.
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for responding to my post. I see that you are in love and that is a wonderful thing. I hate to be the one to tell you that she is not the only one for you. I so hate telling you this that you have no idea, that said...........if you want her you have to make hero believe that she is not the only one for you, in other words you have to let her know that you are "stable" and can survive and even thrive without her.
And yea I so know this is exactly what you do not wish to hear right now, but the thing is that relationships are the exact opposite of everything else we try in life. In all other ventures, the harder we try and hold on the better we do but when it comes to love? Completely different approach and that approach is that the more we let go the better chance we have of securing a relationship. I know that is hard to hear and even unbelieveable but that is the way to go, because here is the thing.........the object of our affections (in your case this girl) senses that you are obsessively in love with her and she is the "only one" and frankly while she is not the only one, she reads your behavior as desperate and obsessive (and trust me everyone in love is desperate and obsessive) but in this case, while you are SURE and she is not so SURE she is reading you in exactly the way you do not wish to be read. Back off, leave her not text, call, email, run into "accidentally" and when you change your behavior she will get curious and try to contact you (unless you have scared her off too much already) when she does contact you, be pleasant and polite but also be too busy to speak to her........You might say something like......."Oh honey how nice to hear from you but I am so busy right now I have to get back to you later" and then of course do not call her back for several days. The thing is that you need to show her that you are not obsessively infatatuated with her and that you mean the real deal and you can not do this if you are behaving in an obsessively desperate (in love) way. This always works so long as you have not gone "too far" and I am just so so sorry you are going through this. All my best and such warm regards XXXXX XXXXX on this. I know this is so so tough, but yea, you can do it. Let me know how this works out. C
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