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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I walk in the house

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I walk in the house and I came home to the phone message that was insulting from my friend. she was calling to find out how my doctors appointment went. Then she said "when you wanna talk you are available but if then if your jaw hurts you can't even find the time to call for 5 minutes?" it was a very attacking judgemental and I wasn't even home. I just received a diagnosis and couldn't deal with it and I called her back and I raised my voice. She was yelling back at me and I made my point and hung up.


In the past she has displayed b

ehaviors shifting from extreme care to devaluing me and wanted to break up a relationship. She told me things that are in a judgemental tone, but I find are not true. This time I wasn't as patient as I was in the previous times. Then I receive these emails telling me that I don't want to listen to what she has to say and that I think I am perfect and I have a big mouth. Again that was insulting but I did not reply with the same style as her. I told her I care about her even if its what I don't want to hear but it's more about leaving me a message that was insulting not about what I don't want to hear. I told her it was judgemental that she said I have a big mouth and that I think I am perfect. Then she writes back again and said I let her have it last week when I was in pain which is not true I may have been irritable but I was not insulting and I even apologized for being irritable. Then she find so many things wrong with me maybe we should say goodbye I've overlooked plenty with you and I'm in a hell of a lot of pain I can handle this anymore I've given up of myself to you when we both reached the end of the line maybe its best we just say take care I can't handle it anymore I said nothing to hear you open your mouth to me the way you did I didn't deserve that either I'm to alone in this just like you I'm in heavy duty pain I have 25 years over you and my daughter did didn't open her mouth to me the way you did and you made me feel like a piece of junk and I'm very hurt you know nice guys always finish last I never come out winning I have enough already I keep hearing your screaming in my head all night I am very hurt.

Okay we'll both of us are overwhelmed and chronic pain that's a given as we both have an illness. This most recent email felt like she was trying to extract care was manipulative and was playing the victim. In fact, I didn't even respond to anything she said other than my response was we are both very hurt and I don't think we can talk about this objectively until some time passes. I then said take care and good night. In all the years we have been friends, I have never raise my voice to her however I have put up with her insults on random times in the past and I've always handle it with patience as I told her. Yet, in the e mail, she seem to continue with her judgments and I felt that was completely inappropriate and counterproductive. I didn't say this because I didn't want to continue the back and forth. I only told her that we are both hurt and we need to stop for now. It's no surprise that she talks about breaking up the friendship because this is what I mean by going from one end of the spectrum to the other either extreme care or wants to break off a friendship. I understand she is in chronic pain like myself however I also feel that she has emotional instability. I know that she can be scary because anyone unpredictable is scary. Her own daughter told her she is afraid of her and I also know that she leaves insulting messages to her own daughter, she has been otherwise a supportive friend and has a lot of care and is very much from the heart. but these moments which are and random, are never really predictable. and she is been supportive to me during this time when I'm going through so much and my husband is very unsupportive with my health issues. My question is am I accurately reading this situation correctly because I tend to doubt my own perceptions and how do I handle this going forward?

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
It sounds like you are accurately responding to her emotional tirades. Your friend may have some emotional problems that are causing her to be hurtful. Even pain alone can cause a person to have a situational depression or just plain irritable. Both can change However it seems that her emotions have been erratic for a long time. In that case you have to ask yourself if the cost of the relationship is worth the benefit. If it is not then you have to consider whether you are more upset than happy. You have to experience sufficient positive energy than she is giving you. Don't have a relationship for the sheer benefit of making her happy. I think if you reviewed your own cost you will decide if this is beneficial. I would approach her once more with rational conversation then go from there as to what to do. Your instinct will tell you if it is time to end the relationship
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for response, as I lost sleep over this which is ironic as I should probably be losing sleep over all of my health issues, and not her.

Usually her calls are difficult and long winded because she likes to speak about pain and dwell on it. I feel that this is her primary way of getting attention. I don't doubt the seriousness of her condition or my own however my way of coping is to distract myself from the pain. I told her this that I don't like to dwell on the pain. I tried to say it in a nice way.

The upside of our relationship is she is pretty much the only one who understands what I go through because she lives it also and she can be extremely supportive. in particular since my husband isn't interested and self centered.

I will take your recommendation and wait for the appropriate time to have an objective conversation and will try to trust my instinct with regard to making a decision.

Thank you once again